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January 17 - January 21, 2024
All the things waiting for me to deal with them, waiting sullen and restless and resentful, are just going to have to keep on waiting.
I’m only one person, one girl, seventeen and still in high school. I ought to be doing my homework and falling in love. I ought to be dreaming of college and life after this place, but I can barely get past the mailbox at the end of our drive. How much can you give to a place before it swallows you whole?
Isn’t birth just another name for destiny? Your family name the border between you and the rest of the world?
Because I’m not content with one small corner of the world being all that I’ll ever see. Because it is an ambitious person’s nature to flock to where the world’s beating pulse is. Because there should be no harm in admitting that the world’s pulse is certainly not here, but I haven’t once been able to say that aloud without the people around me thinking I’m looking down on them, and perhaps—God, deep down perhaps I am, but why must I be punished for wanting more—
I’ve always been the type to have too much faith in myself.
“Why are you hurting yourself just to leave?”
or I could accept the strangeness.
It wants me out desperately; it wants me to stay just as badly. Hurt me, scratch me, hurl terrible words that mark my skin; then embrace me, claim me, demand that I take it for my own and never leave it.
I hate this sometimes, this playacting at adulthood when we’re still just kids. Maybe I still want to go out and play in the snow.
Trust Simon to cheat on her using the wrong you’re.
Jules, hand lolling out the window, tried to remember the last time they’d really talked, had a conversation that scraped below surface level. She couldn’t.
They were so afraid of change, so afraid of becoming new people, they’d shackled each other to the corpses of who they’d been before.
And wasn’t that the worst part, every time? How the love and the caring stayed, even as everything around it rotted?
Apparently, it was no sophisticated business, summoning devils.
“We aren’t friends. But we were.”
“I’m pretty sure the monster in the woods is scared of me.”
“It will only grow here. Your rage. There is so much in the world to be angry at.“ A cool breeze against her cheek. “If you let me have it, it could be so much easier.” “It’s mine,” Jules said. “You can’t have it.”
Monsters are made, angry girl. They aren’t born. I was like you once. My anger imprinted on the world, knit me into it once I passed from humanity and into something different.”
Life is too fragile to get attached to. One day you’re there, and the next, you’re not. Summers here have a way of teaching you that. In summer, everything always teeters on that knife’s edge of living and dying.
We all know that in some places, the dead don’t stay dead.
It’s almost unbearable to have vulnerability met with silence.
He probably assumed that these were his trees, that this was his forest, and that I, by way of being on his property, was also his.