Kindle Notes & Highlights
Since the pathological man will never change, the next step the woman takes is to try to change herself to make the pathological relationship easier to cope with. Disaster can be the only outcome when a woman tries to conform to a pathological and abnormal relationship.
But the most important thing I’ve learned is that the “why” of his disease is less important to you than “what” you are going to do about your situation.
Remember from earlier in the chapter that a dangerous man is any man who harms his partner’s emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual, or financial health.
Her tale, so typical of women who pick dangerous men, begins with a woman of higher than normal intelligence but with a heart bigger than her knowledge of pathology.
Add to this a big heart, an abundance of patience, and an ever optimistic attitude that everyone will grow into their full potential, and Tori was a sitting duck for dating a dangerous man.
But in order for you to change your pattern of selecting dangerous men, it is crucial that you accept responsilibity for the fact that you chose to get involved with him. It was a mutual decision, made between two consenting adults. Refusing to see this will keep you repeating the same behaviors you are seeking to stop.
You find clues to his character through your discovery of a lie, an undisclosed past, or other red flags, but you repeatedly give him the benefit of the doubt, all the while increasing your risk for personal harm.
Women who were physically or sexually abused as children, who were raped as adults, who came from homes where one or both parents were addicts, whose parent or parents had a serious mental illness, or who had traumatic foster care experiences are at particular risk for getting involved with dangerous men.
Having “been down this road before” made women believe they would avoid becoming ensnared, and yet the very fact that a woman is willingly dating a dangerous man means she is already ensnared. Just what do women consider “entertainment”?
denial. We are not victims; we are volunteers.
They may not realize that the individuals most likely to attempt suicide are those diagnosed with borderline personality disorder
I have learned the hard way that loving a narcissist is the most futile thing you can do. Loving anyone who has a pathological condition that can never be made better and will only get worse is pretty futile. But I did learn the warning signs. If I ever meet another man with this disorder, I will run!
You cannot heal what is wrong with this dangerous man.
Verbal abuse includes calling you names, threatening you, degrading you, swearing at you, and intimidating you with language and volume.
They fail to live by the one-strike rule. One hit, one fear-inducing gesture, one episode of ugly and degrading language—one anything that causes her to wonder if he could get violent—and she should be out of there.
If you don’t know how to get out of relationships efficiently, you shouldn’t get into them.
In these cases, silence equals consent, and staying equals compliance. Women with weak boundaries fail to verbalize and take action on what they need. They stay quiet and hope “somehow” it will all work out. Women with poor boundaries commonly nurse fantasies of healthy relationships that magically don’t require any work. But the message your silence sends to a dangerous man is that you consent to his inappropriate behavior. That’s why developing good boundaries is so crucial for women who want to avoid dangerous men. An ability to confront unhealthy boundaries and behavior in the beginning of
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