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People come when they want to, leave when they feel like it. My job’s just to wait for them.”
People stop by, have drinks, listen to music, talk, and go home. People are willing to spend a lot of money to come all this way to have some drinks—and do you know why? Because everyone’s seeking the same thing: an imaginary place, their own castle in the air, and their very own special corner of it.”
“But you don’t know how empty it feels not to be able to create anything.”
Things that have form will all disappear. But certain feelings stay with us forever.” “But you know, Hajime, some feelings cause us pain because they remain. Don’t you think so?”
If I never see her again, I will go insane. Once she was out of the car and gone, my world was suddenly hollow and meaningless.
no matter what, come back home by two a.m. Two a.m. is the point of no return.
I lay silent, with eyes closed. I’d had sex with her, all the while thinking of another woman, and the guilt was getting to me. I lay there, silent eyes closed.
“I’m sure tomorrow will be much better,” I told her. I wanted to believe that too. When I opened my eyes tomorrow, the world would be new, and every problem would be solved. But I couldn’t swallow that scenario. For I had a wife and two daughters. And I was in love with someone else.
I didn’t feel like I was in my own body; my body was just a lonely, temporary container I happened to be borrowing. What would become of me tomorrow I did not know.
I’d sit beside her, and we’d talk. I don’t know what my employees thought of this, but I didn’t care. It was like when we were in grade school and I didn’t let what my classmates thought about the two of us concern me.
Anyhow, during the couple of hours we were together, we hardly stopped talking.
As we walked side by side, I wondered what
feelings she held in her heart. And where those feelings would lead her. Sometimes I looked deep into her eyes, but all I could detect was a gentle silence.
I felt again like a helpless, confused twelve-year-old. I had no idea what I should do, what I should say. I tried my best to stay calm and use my head. But it was hopeless. Everything I said and did was wrong. Every emotion was swallowed up in that radiant smile. Don’t worry, her smile told me. It’s all right.
The photograph brought a pain to my chest. It made me realize what an awful amount of time I had lost. Precious years that could never be recovered, no matter how much I struggled to bring them back. Time that existed only then, only in that place. I gazed at the photo for the longest time.
“What’s so interesting about the picture?” she asked. “I’m trying to fill in time,” I replied. “It’s been twenty-five years since I saw you last. I want to fill in that gap, even a little.”
“I guess it was better I didn’t meet you then,” she said, and smiled. “Saying goodbye at twelve, meeting again at thirty-seven … maybe this is the best way for us, after all.” “I wonder.”
“Shimamoto-san,” I said, “that’s impossible. I never would have been impatient with you. We had something very special. I can’t explain it in words, but it’s true. A special, precious something.”
“I’m not some great person,” I continued. “I’m not much to brag about. I used to be pretty crude, insensitive, and arrogant. So maybe I wouldn’t have been the right person for you. But there is one thing I am certain about: I never, ever would have been fed up with you. That, at least, makes me different from other people you knew. In that sense I am indeed a special person for you.”
“Hajime,” she began, “the sad truth is that certain types of things can’t go backward. Once they start going forward, no matter what you do, they can’t go back the way they were. If even one little thing goes awry, then that’s how it will stay forever.”
Loving her, and being loved, was the only way I could hold myself together.
Just like with people, with bars there’s a time to leave them alone and a time for change. Being stuck in the same environment, you grow dull and lethargic.
The more I remembered, the stronger the memories became.
Sometimes I’d wake up at two or three in the morning and not be able to fall asleep again.
I was struck by a violent desire to confess everything. What a relief that would be! No more hiding, no more need to playact or to lie. Yukiko, see, there’s another woman I love, someone I just can’t forget. I’ve held back, trying to keep our world from crumbling, but I can’t hold back anymore. The next time she shows up, I don’t care what happens: I’m going to make love to her. I’ve thought of her while I’ve masturbated. I’ve thought of her while I’ve made love to you, Yukiko… But I didn’t say anything. Confession would serve no purpose. It would only make us miserable.
Once again a pang of regret swept over me for not having called out to her. I had nothing to tie me down then, nothing to lose. I could have held her close, and the two of us could have walked off together. No matter what situation she was stuck in, we could have found a way out.
“For a while is a phrase whose length can’t be measured. At least by the person who’s waiting,” I said.
“Lovers born under an unlucky star,” she said. “Sounds like it was written for the two of us.” “You mean we’re lovers?” “You think we’re not?”
“Shimamoto-san, I don’t know anything about you,” I said. “Every time I look in your eyes, I feel that.
“Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I’m gazing at a distant star,” I said. “It’s dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago. Maybe the star doesn’t even exist anymore. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything.”
Pretend you’re happy when you’re blue It isn’t very hard to do
“Shimamoto-san,” I said, “after you left, I thought about you for a long time. Every day for six months, from morning to night. I tried to stop, but I couldn’t. And I came to this conclusion. I can’t make it without you. I don’t ever want to lose you again. I don’t want to hear the words for a while anymore. Or probably. You’ll say we can’t see each other for a while, and then you’ll disappear. And no one can say when you’ll be back. You might never be back, and I might spend the rest of my life never seeing you again. And I couldn’t stand that. Life would be meaningless.”
“I love you,” I told her. “Nothing can change it. Special feelings like that should never, ever be taken away. I’ve lost you many times. But I should never have let you go. These last several months have taught me that I love you, and I don’t want you ever to leave me.”
In the whole world, there’s only one person who can do that. You. Only now, when that thirst is satisfied, do I realize how empty I was. And how I’ve been hungering, thirsting, for so many years. I can’t go back to that kind of world.”
“I love you too, Hajime. You’re the only person I’ve ever loved. I don’t think you realize how very much I love you. I’ve loved you ever since I was twelve. Whenever anyone else held me, I thought of you. And that’s the reason why I didn’t want to see you again. If I saw you once, I knew I couldn’t stand it anymore. But I couldn’t keep myself away. At first I thought I’d just make sure it was really you, then head home. But once I saw you, I had to talk to you.”
“But if you’d never met me, you could have had a peaceful life. With no doubts or dissatisfactions. Don’t you think so?” “Maybe. But I did meet you. And we can’t undo that,” I said. “Just as you told me once, there are certain things you can’t undo. You can only go forward. Shimamoto-san, I don’t care where we end up; I just know I want to go there with you. And begin again.”
“I’m not blaming you,” she continued. “If you love someone else, there’s not much anyone can do about it. You love who you love.
Our bodies had become one, yet in the end she refused to open up her heart to me.
We were like childhood friends who happened to be living under the same roof. There were certain words we couldn’t speak, certain facts we didn’t acknowledge.
“Do you want to leave me?” she asked. “Yukiko, I love you,” I said. “Maybe you do, but I’m asking you whether you want to leave me. The answer is either yes or no. I won’t accept any other.”
“Yukiko,” I said, “I love you very much. I loved you from the first day I met you, and I still feel the same. If I hadn’t met you, my life would have been unbearable. For that I am grateful beyond words. Yet here I am, hurting you. Because I’m a selfish, hopeless, worthless human being. For no apparent reason, I hurt the people around me and end up hurting myself. Ruining someone else’s life and my own. Not because I like to. But that’s how it ends up.”
