Grotesque

by Natsuo Kirino

I used to find my worth just knowing a man desired me, but not now; not only has my income shrunk but I realize that I have to search farther and wider for a reason to explain my existence in this world.

Captured. A woman to be consumed by men. Unless I accepted my fate, I could never be happy. Again, the word freedom floated up in the back of my mind. I was fifteen years old. And in an instant I had become an old woman.

I’ve never once in my entire life been in love with a man. Yes, I’m a human being who has gone through life just fine without ever experiencing that hovering lump of passion.

A woman who does not know herself has no choice other than to live with other people’s evaluations. But no one can adapt perfectly to public opinion. And herein lies the source of their destruction.

In order to induce the process of decay, water is necessary. I think that, in the case of women, men are the water.

I was seized with a feeling of desire, soon to be followed by disgust. Desire and disgust. These two conflicting emotions always accompanied my thoughts of men.