Hexed (The Iron Druid Chronicles #2)

by Kevin Hearne

The Japanese wanted me to mess with the Chinese, and vice versa. The old Russian gods wanted me to stick it to the Hungarians. The Greeks wanted me to knock off their Roman copycats in a bizarre manifestation of self-loathing and internecine jealousy. The weirdest by far were those Easter Island guys, who wanted me to mess around

Holy rivalries... are the best kind of rivalries

But everyone—at least, it sure seemed like everyone—wanted me to slay Thor as soon as I had a free moment. The whole world was tired of his shenanigans, I guess.

What Zeus gets left alone? That man needs some killing

“These people don’t care about proper. You can tell them they’re trying to use an adjective as an adverb and they’ll just stare at you like you’re a toad.” “Their educational system has suffered serious setbacks, I see.”

I know this is making fun of my generation but I enjoy it

“Gods Below, you compose your sentences in blank verse? No wonder you can’t carry on a half hour’s conversation with a sorority girl! They’re used to talking with frat boys, not Shakespearean scholars!”

Honestly it sounds like a major improvement

“No, Leif, I’m sorry. One reason I’m still alive is that I’ve never gone toe-to-toe with a thunder god. It’s a good survival strategy, and I’m going to stick with it. But if you’re going to do something like that, I recommend avoiding Loki. He’ll pretend to be on your side, but he’ll spill his guts to Odin first chance he gets, and then you’ll have that entire pantheon coming after you with a wooden stake.”

add these to the rules of myths and legends

My neighbor raised a shaking index finger to point at the saguaro. “That moving cactus … and the big bug … and you, you spooky bastard. What are you?” I stuffed my hands in my pockets and grinned winningly at him. “Why, I’m the Antichrist, of course.”

That is how you do it

“I bet it was just like that, Mr. Druid!” Coyote finally managed to gasp. “Them priests would come on up to the soldiers and say, ‘In the name of the Father and the Son, here’s a cracker, now go kill some fuckin’ Indians!’ ”

The historical acuracy of that is higher than it should be

<Ever notice how Apache Boulevard is a lot like Mos Eisley? “You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”> When Oberon says things like that, it takes all my will not to dive into a Star Wars nerdfest;

Science cannot close the fist of reason around the miracle of consciousness any more than I can turn my sword into a light saber.”

The nerd fest slipped out

They’re good, dog-fearing cats.”

Oh the puns

He’d been known to do that in several stories told about him: Get the white man to agree to a course of action, then take off at the critical moment and make him look like a fool.

I mean it might be deserved

These poor Skyline—what are they?” I couldn’t think of their mascot, and I turned back to their marquee sign to check. It said HOME OF THE COYOTES, and I swore in Old Irish with such prolixity my father would have been proud. Coyote was already laughing and putting distance between us. He knew I’d be annoyed at being tricked, and I was. “Not in your house, eh? Did one of the Diné even die back there?” I challenged him. “You lied to me about that maiden gettin’ eaten, didn’t you?” “Yep, only white people died.” Coyote grinned wickedly. “But I didn’t wanna let you wait aroun’ until one o’ my people became his breakfast, because I do have some o’ my people at this school and I did wanna protect ’em.”

Ya that god needed to protect them. They gave him so much patronage

“Well, y’know, I just couldn’t resist doin’ it the way I did it. You know how people are always threatenin’ to shove this or that up someone’s ass, but they never really do it? Well, now there’s a new story gonna be told ’round the fire: ‘How Coyote Shoved an Arrow Up a Fallen Angel’s Ass.’ Can’t wait to hear myself tell it! An’ don’t you worry, Mr. Druid, I’ll make sure to include how I got the best o’ you!”

Not the first story like this to come out of pre-colonial america

“I am not joking. People occasionally die from their exertions, which we clearly cannot allow. And, besides that, the Bacchants will significantly increase their numbers if unchecked, and you will have a bigger problem the longer you wait.” “Well, wait a second, you said before that these Bacchants have been in Las Vegas for years.” “That is correct.” “Well then, why isn’t Vegas all jacked up? Oh.” “Yes?” “I think the question answered itself. I beg your pardon.”

That is just a perfect line

It’s a resort town with much of its real estate occupied by golf courses and egos.

I'm surprised there is space for the golf courses

am the last man on this plane who worships you in the old way. I gave you full rites on Samhain just a few nights ago.”

These gods should really love him

Brighid’s eyes flashed with a blue flame, and I wondered if she had learned to do that just so she could compete with the Morrigan’s red flashes. Maybe I should try to figure out how to make my eyes flash green so I could freak out the baristas at Starbucks. “No, you foolish mortal,” I’d say as my eyes glowed, “I ordered a nonfat latte.”

He is ready to be king

“What about bows and arrows and other martial arts stuff like sai and throwing knives and such?” “Why, do you have any of that floating around?” “The garage is full of it.” Hal cursed in Old Norse for a moment, then switched back to English. “Damn it, Atticus, you need to get yourself a bat cave or something for all of your shady shit.”

My gods these conversations

You don’t offer werewolves treats if you want to keep all your appendages. They think it’s undignified and degrading to be offered a treat. <Well, the moon must have addled their brains when they were thinking that one through, because I don’t see a downside to treats. Honestly, Atticus, it’s like they have no regard for the Canine Code.>

The WEBTOON Zom com is coming to mind

Dropping a werewolf into a witch fight is like dropping a tank into a snake pit. The snakes might have fangs, but the tank isn’t going to feel their bites. Likewise, the witches could cast spell after spell at Hal and he’d just say, “Stop, that tickles”—right before he tore out their throats.

Oh hell yes!

The rocket-propelled grenade—one of several—was there. And so were a crate of standard fragmentation grenades, several crates of automatic weapons, and handheld surface-to-air missiles. There were also a dozen flak jackets hanging on the wall.

Oh my god i need to know his backstory now

“You killed my father,” he snorted in a basso profundo rumble. “Prepare to die!” “Inigo Montoya? Is that you?”

Please tell me this was intentional

and it was the brunette who’d killed Perry,

She must die

realized with horror that she’d shot off my left ear, and in my adrenaline rush I hadn’t realized how bad the wound was. “The gods damn you, look what you’ve done!” I cried as she fumbled with her second clip and I charged, drawing Fragarach. “If I want to grow this back I’ll have to endure the most terrifying sex imaginable! Gaahhhhh!

The cure may be worse than the disease

The answer to enemies who heal annoyingly fast is always, always decapitation. That is why swords will never go out of style.

charged me all at once, forgetting entirely about Klaudia. She hadn’t killed any of them yet, after all, while I’d been responsible for quite a number so far.

This is why you need to watch your agro

was tired of these constant distractions and the alarming rate at which I seemed to be losing my ears,

Cant wait for the cops to deal with this again

<So is that it?> Oberon asked, sniffing at the plant. <It looks kind of lonely, sitting there alive all by itself when everything else is dead. All that work and you hardly made a difference.> “This is just the beginning, Oberon,” I said aloud so that Granuaile could hear. “It’s an important first step.” <Should I pee on it to make it feel at home?>

Nice to add the bit about how they fix the fall out