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Brad most definitely wants to be tapped. Maybe not fucked-tapped. Not yet, at least. But perhaps our dicks could tap together? A little meet-and-greet? That’s a thing, isn’t it? We could do our own bench grinding. Oh, fuck. There goes my brain again.
“I’m ready to make acquaintance with your balls now, if the three of you would be so kind.”
I slip my fingers beneath it, dropping down to a crouch as I tug the material down over his cock. It bobs once freed, waving almost proudly, as thick as I’d imagined and perfectly straight. I give the top of it a small tap, watching it dip a mere inch before popping up again. “Hello, Greg,” I whisper. “I’m Brad. It’s so very good to meet you.” Joey makes a choked sound above me. “Did you just…give my dick a handshake?” “It’s only polite,”
I’m happy to report your cum gutters are in perfect working order. Ten out of ten, would jizz on them again.”
I kinda want to shack up with my gym-bro in a till death do us part sorta way realization.
Now c’mon, Joey-roo. I need you to bench me into the air and call me Baby.” Joey blinks at me for several seconds before saying, voice questioning, “Dirty—” “Dirty Dancing, dude! Yes!”
I decide, despite the limitations of my body, I’m going to try very hard to have Joey’s babies.
“Ready, sailor?” “Aye aye, Captain,” I reply with a grin. “Raise ye flagpole and prepare to be boarded because this seaman is ready to ride.”
“No sexy talk, Joey-roo. There are parentals about, which means I don’t need to be sporting a kangaroo-induced boner.” “Is that different than a regular boner?” he asks curiously, dragging me out toward the boat. “Far more trigger happy,”
“Here. Suck.” I raise an eyebrow, but Brad simply thrusts his finger closer to my face. “Suck me, Joey.” “You should…maybe consider rephrasing that.” Brad’s forehead wrinkles. “Put my finger in your mouth, suck off the cream, and tell me if I did good.” “Oh good Lord,”
Easy peasy. Insert and squeezy.
“Birdie! I need your help.” “What’s that echo?” he says. “Are you…are you in the bathroom?” “Sure am.” There’s a beat of silence. “Please tell me you didn’t call while taking a shit.” I snort. “No, dude. Of course not. I’m just about to anal douche for the first time, and I don’t know if drippage is a concern. But tell me fast because this water is quickly losing its just-under-lukewarm status, and you know how I don’t like to be cold.”
can’t believe I’m raising a baby bi.
“Holy shit,” I mutter, wrapping my arms around his neck as he carries me toward the bedroom. “That was impressive as fuck, dude. Is it just my loins, or is it hotter in here?”
“All I will ever do is worship you,”
“I will make you feel good. Only good, bub. There’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t give to you if it’s within my power to do so. Whatever you want. Whatever you need, it’s yours.”
Hello, Greg. You’re looking very handsome today. Have you always been this…robust?”
“Practicing?” “My BJ skills.” “On what?” I ask, more curious than anything. I flip the lube open. “Popsicles,” he says, giving me another lick. “A couple bananas. One cucumber.” Oh good God. “So I’m fairly confident I can get at least half of your dick in my mouth,” he says. “But I’m gonna shoot for whole.”
“I should have told you that you make me happy. And that I’m so grateful you trust me in this way.” “Joey,” he mouths, no sound accompanying the word. “I should have said you make my life brighter, bub. That every day you’re in it is better simply because it has you.”
I fling open the door to Jason and Cas’s apartment. “I took a quarter of a dick!” My best friend sets down his fork and turns to face me. Cas keeps eating. “Not a quarter-sized dick,” I clarify. “It was a very large dick. Or, well, not huge. Little above average? Perfectly sized, in my opinion. Greg is a great dick. My point is Joey fucked me. A little bit. And I liked it.” Understatement. Pretty sure I’m a cock slut now. Who knew? Jason sighs, the weariest sound I’ve ever heard in my life.
“So,” I say, grabbing a container of fried rice, “how are we all feeling about snowballing? ’Cause it sounds hot.” Jason throws his hands in the air. “I was eating.” “And I’m curious about sharing jizz through the tender magic of kissing. What’s the big deal?”
“Lemme smash this pita and hummus, and then we’ll get back out there to sell our bodies. Our services. We’ll sell ourselves for charity. Frick. You know what I mean.”
I don’t think he realizes just how easily he draws people in, like the smell of cinnamon rolls or, ooh, one of those big sunflowers you can’t help but stop and stare at. And holy freaking shit. I’m his bee! “Hey,” I whisper to him as the master of ceremonies gives his closing speech. “Pst. Joey. Joey-roo. Wanna pollinate me later?” He turns to me slowly. “You know,” I hedge, bouncing my eyebrows. “With your stamen. I’ll do a little”—I wiggle my fingers—“and you’ll give me your sunflower seed.” Alex leans around Joey to stare at me. “Maybe we should discuss our…stamens later?” Joey suggests. I
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Alex is a meddling meddler who meddles.
“Oh my God, wait. Can we get those candy penis necklaces again? The ones you passed out at Cas’s going-away party? Those tiny dicks were delicious.” “Honey, I’ll get you all the dicks you could ever eat,” Alex says solemnly. “I mean…I can fit a lot in my mouth, dude. So careful with your promises.”
“I’m pretty handy with a tape measure, if you haven’t noticed.” “Greg and I are both well aware.”
I’m hoping desperately that this month Joey and I spent together will be the first of so many more to come. I just have to ask if he wants the same thing I do. A lifetime of bennies. A partnership. Love. And I think I know just how to do it.
“Ooh, the ‘sexy bitch’ one,” he says excitedly, his previous woe forgotten. “No, wait. The tie-dye. No. ‘Cool dad.’ Definitely that one. You’re a total DILF, dude.” “I’m…not even a dad,” I point out. He pshts. “Not yet, maybe.” I’m pretty sure my heart stops.
I don’t want them. Any of them. The only person I want, the only person I’ve wanted for months now, is you.” “Joey,” he says again, but the words are already spilling out, and there’s no stopping them. “None of them have your green eyes, Brad. None of them will feel the same wrapped around me at night. None of them are capable of being what I need because I’m already in love with you. I love you, okay? So no. You told me not to settle, and I’m not settling for anyone but the man I love. I’m not giving you up without a fight, got it?”
thirty days isn’t nearly enough time for me. Not when it comes to you. I’d like to share all your days if that’s something you’d like, too. I can’t promise to always get things right. I mean, case in point right here. But I can promise I’ll always do my best. Because you’re worth it. You’re my baby kangaroo-roo. And, if you’ll let me, I’ll be your boomer.”
Oh. My. God. “I fucking love you,” I tell him. Brad beams. “I love you, too, man! Does this mean we’re gonna be dude-bros for life? Two halves of the same man-sammie? You can be my bro-nilla milkshake, and I’ll be your—” Brad makes a startled noise when my lips press to his,
“Wait,” I tell him, pulling in a breath. “I need to grab something.” He squints at me. “Is it rope?” “Not…rope. No.” “Did you find the handcuffs?” I go still. “There are handcuffs in my house? Where?” Brad scoffs. “Yeah, like I’m telling you that.” “What—” I stop and shake my head. “Nope. No. I’m getting sidetracked. Just…wait for me in the bedroom?”
I’m slow to push my bedroom door open, a little terrified about what I’m going to find. As it turns out, it’s Brad, nude and kneeling on the bed, a fanny pack in his grip that he’s dragging along one open palm like one might a flogger. We both stop dead when we see one another. “Holy,” Brad wheezes. “You… The tool belt, and… Naked. Joey… You’re a slutty carpenter.” “What are you doing with that fanny pack?” I have to ask. He throws it off the bed. “Nothing. Not a fucking thing. Get over here and drill me, dude!”
“Treat me like your throne, king, and sit on my motherfucking face.”
“Fuck. You’re so pretty. I can’t wait to find your prostate, then poke the ever-loving fuck out of it.”
“I’m going to make you really happy,” I tell him hoarsely. “You already do.” “I’ll give you as many Joey-blowies as you want.” “Is that—” “A Joey-specific blowjob, yes.
“Fuck, Joey.” “Yes, you are,” he pants. Goddamn it, I’m going to walk with this man down the aisle. “Oh, holy fuck,” I gasp aloud. “There’s no way I’m not going to think about this during our wedding.” “What?” Joey asks, his eyes flaring wide. “What?!” I shout. “Fuck, I’m gonna—”
I never had a solid grasp growing up of what it meant to fall in love. I didn’t have parents in my life or many role models to show me what a healthy relationship looked like. I didn’t have many people who stuck around, period. I’m not sure I could have dreamed up Joey Delgado even if I tried.
I guess in the end, I really crushed this whole wingman thing, didn’t I? I found Joey his guy. The one who will love him for all he is and all he will be. And, as it turns out, I found my person, too.
Are you excited for your coming-out party this weekend?” “Oh, fuck yeah,” Brad says with a grin. “Edible phalluses have been procured, porn stars have been assembled, and I’m ready to grind away on your hammies. Or your quads. Any preference on whether I’m in back or in front?” I snort. “You can have any side of me you want, bub.” “Oh, shit. That’s hot. If you happen to see a ‘Property of Brad’ fanny pack show up in your closet, don’t worry about it, okay?”
I’ve felt lucky every day since meeting this man, and I know I’ll continue being the luckiest person alive. Because of him. All because of him. “Joey,” Brad says in amusement, snorting as he holds up a piece of chicken with his fork. It’s covered in syrup from his waffles. “Look. This chicken strip looks like a peen, dude! It even has two balls, see? Well, maybe one and a half. Something definitely happened to the second one. But still.” He wiggles the chicken a bit. “Think I can get it down in one bite?” Yep, that’s the one. I’m going to spend the rest of my life loving that man. I can’t
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If you want, you could wear me out so thoroughly later I’ll have no choice but to sleep right through the night.” His lips twitch. “And how would you suggest I do that?” “Uh… Was that not obvious? Sexual intercourse, my dude. Your penis. My sphincter. A happy little meet-and-greet with our friend, Mr. Lube. I sure wasn’t talking about the gym. And what? Why are you laughing?”
Although, just to be clear, I’m not sharing you with anyone. You’re my exclusive kangaroo. No one’s getting all up in your pouch except for me.” He shakes his head, even though there’s a smile on his face. “My pouch is all yours.”
“Joey is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. He’s my other half in a way I didn’t know was possible. It’s not that he completes me. We just…work together, like we were always meant to find one another and become something bigger than our individual wholes. Which…sounds weird when I say it like that. I’m not talking about holes, like our—” “Yeah, no, I got it,” Jason says quickly. “I just love him,” I go on. “Different than how I love you, but just as meaningful. He’s going to be the person I live with. Start a family with, maybe. He’s going to be there in the mornings as I
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“You’re so fucking hot, dude. I’m gonna ravage you later. You don’t even know. My tongue is going to be in places you didn’t even know it could reach.”
“This list is quite possibly the best thing I’ve accomplished in my entire life. Because, as it turns out, it was ten ways to accidentally fall in love. And every step led me to you.”
“I thought I was finding myself,” I tell my husband. “But instead, I found you. So here’s to Joey Francis Delgado-Bradley.” I lift my champagne glass off the table, and behind me, I can hear our guests doing the same. “To my husband. My gym-bro turned bestie turned partner. My confidant and supporter. My great love. Here’s to a lifetime of bennies and laughter together. I love you, my Joey-roo.”
It’s strange to think back to the day I met Joey. When I felt like a lone bee in search of some sort of companionship. Turns out I didn’t need a flower at all. My ideal partner came with thick-as-fuck hammies and the perfect kangaroo pouch for me to sink right into, aaand shit. It got weird again.
Maybe our road to get here was full of twists and turns. But I’m thankful for every single step that brought me closer to Joey. I married my friend. My kangaroo. I guess now all that’s left to do is be ridiculously happy together. Big. Fat. Check.
