The Weight of It All

by N.R. Walker

Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come.

Just to be clear on one thing, my now ex-boyfriend is the same age as me. And when he called me an old man, he wasn’t having a dig at my age. He was having a go at how I lived my life. I didn’t go out clubbing, I didn’t go for runs through the park, I didn’t want to go hiking on weekends.

I saw how Graham saw me, and I saw why he left me. I was overweight. I did look old. I was a fucking mess. So yes, that, the very lowest point of my life, was the day my life changed.

“Graham… Graham is the new Voldemort. We don’t speak his name out loud anymore.” Reed’s look of worry was soon a smile. “Oh.” He nodded sagely. “And this is the Voldemort you want back?” “No. Yes. Well, maybe. It’ll take more than gathering up a few Horcruxes, I’m afraid. Unless you can call running on a treadmill a Horcrux.”

“I’ve never actually seen the movies or read the books. Though I know who Voldemort is.” I stared at him then leaned in like it was top secret. My voice was just a whisper. “So, you’re the one?” “I’m the one what?” “The one person on the planet who hasn’t seen the movies or read the books.” Reed laughed this time. “Yes, that would be me.”

You know that song ‘the knee bone’s connected to the whatever bone’?” He nodded and I sighed. “Well, my mouth isn’t connected to my brain.” “No filter?” I shook my head. “Birth defect. Suffered from it all my life.”

He stood in front of me and put his huge hands on my shoulders. “Henry, look at me.” I blinked rapidly and tried to shake off my shame. I looked him right in his pretty eyes, feeling every part of Beauty and the Obese Beast. “Is this where you sing ‘A Tale As Old As Time’ and I give you a library?” He quirked an eyebrow and fought a smile. “What?” “Never mind.”

I did my best David Attenborough impersonation. “Ah, modern, yet archaic torture devices in their natural habitat. Not a particularly threatening species unless you’re an overweight thirty-five year old who hasn’t run since high school.”

Then holy shit, the treadmill beeped and started to tilt. The platform rose up, and sweet mother of God, I was going to die.

“Looking good,” he said, his usual smile firmly in place. I fully intended to reply with some intelligent and witty comeback, but walking up a non-existent hill for five minutes left me incapable of breathing and talking at the same time.

Reed clapped his huge hand on my back. “How was that?” I held my hand up, still too out of breath to speak. So I nodded instead and managed a few one-syllable words. “Not. Good. Exer. Cise. Bad.” He laughed again. “You pushed through it. You did really well.”

Reed clapped his huge hand on my shoulder. He was really rather touchy-feely. “Come on, on your feet. You’ve got more in you yet.” I put my hand up, still trying to catch my breath. “One sec. My lungs are broken.” He snorted out a laugh. “Come on, get up.”

Fuck. It was like climbing stairs while holding ski stocks or two Gandalf staffs. Thou shall not pass was too bloody right. I’d never make it in Middle Earth because two minutes on this frickin’ machine almost killed me. Fuck going to Mordor. I couldn’t even go around the block.

“Ugh. Jesus Christ. And this is supposed to be good for me?” “You’re doing great,” he said quietly. “First time’s never easy.” “Yeah. That’s what he said.” He stared at me, then barked out a laugh. “I see what you mean about the no filter.”

“Hi, it’s Reed, from the gym.” He cleared his throat. “Sorry for calling you at work. Hope that’s okay. Just calling to see how you’re doing?” “Oh my God, I’m dying.” “I’m sure it’s not quite that bad―” “I think there’s a high chance I could have SPS, which is a rare disease but not unheard of.” “SPS?” “Stiff Person Syndrome.”

“Henry, you’re not dying. What you’re experiencing is called ‘delayed onset muscle soreness,’ and it’s completely normal.” “Well, I’m stuck in a standing position at my desk, and my PA thinks I look like a T-Rex because my arms can’t extend all the way out.” Now he laughed louder. “Well, your sense of humour is still fully functional.” “Oh great, so my cause of death will read, “Died a horrible painful death from a broken body. Sense of humour still fully functional.”

“How you feeling?” Reed asked. “Like I’ve been set on fire, thanks for asking.”

“Okay, now get down on the floor for me.” I collapsed in a panting, sweating, aching heap. “Thank God.” Then he made me do cruel, cruel things like leg lifts, leg holds, bridges, and planking. And to finish, we did torso twists and sit ups. I mean I only did about thirty seconds of each, but good fucking Lord! And I signed up for this shit?

“You did real good today, Henry.” He spoke to me―and to all his clients, I presumed―like I was the only person in the room.

If he doesn’t love you at your worst, then he doesn’t deserve to love you at your best.”

“Oh God no! It’s not a pay rate thing. It’s a ‘me being a filterless idiot’ thing.” I pulled into a parking spot at the markets and turned off the engine. “When I first started there, Gr―” I stopped short of saying his name. “I mean Voldemort suggested I not talk to people up front. You know, wait until they got to know me and liked me before they heard some of the things that come out of my mouth.”

There’s a lot to be said about being the overweight unattractive guy. Kind of invisible, or more to the point, no one sees me as a threat, so I kinda sneak through, ya know? But now people are used to me not saying much, just keeping to myself, and it’s too late to change.”

I’m quieter at work, but I’d imagine the majority of people in corporate finance don’t fly their freak flag at their place of employment.”

I looked back at the guy in question and had to admit I wasn’t surprised. I mean, he was buff but really over-muscled, and whereas Reed looked the picture of health and fitness, this guy could be the poster boy for “Why Not to do Steroids.” I shrugged one shoulder. “His muscles look so fake he could pass as a balloon animal.”

Rihanti, Lena, and I both stared at him. It was completely gross and completely not related to what we were talking about and very much how most of my conversations ended up. I realised that maybe Kadin and I had more in common than I first realised and made a mental note that I liked him now and would make an effort to be awkward with him together.

I already blabbered on like an idiot in front of them. Though I think Kadin and I might be able to contend for ‘Australia’s most awkward conversation’ contest. He seems nice, though, despite the dog-food sandwich comment.”

“I take it you and Anika had a little chat.” “Yes. She’s bringing BBQ starters and lighter fluid to your place on Saturday morning for a ritual burning of what he left behind.”

I stared at her. “Is that another compliment? Because we’ve just been through that.” She walked to her desk. “You mispronounced thank you.”

“Here he is,” Reed greeted me cheerfully. “I wondered whether you would show today.” The lady at the counter with Reed, who I now knew to be Emily, smiled at me. “Reed told us about the hashtag Pray For Henry.” I nodded. “Did anyone hold a candlelight vigil for my brain cells that died?”

“The last thing she remembers is me standing on a table and singing ‘Drink With Me’ from Les Mis.” Reed laughed, and I cleared my throat. “Though I’m sure she’s lying.” He was grinning now. “Mmhmm.” “‘Can You Hear The People Sing’ is by far a better a song to sing while standing on a table. I’m pretty sure I’d have sung that. And it’s so obvious that ‘Empty Chairs’ is only a song you sing at closing time.” Reed threw his head back and laughed. “So obvious.” “See? Everyone knows that.”

“Yeah, you’ve got it pretty easy.” “Except when it rains.” “What do you do when it rains?” “Get wet.” I snorted. “Nice.” “Well, see, they have these new inventions nowadays called umbrellas.”

“So, where does a six-foot-three body builder buy his jeans?” “JeansForGiants.com normally, but they were all out of the body builder’s fit.” Now it was me who laughed. “That’s unfortunate.”

I had to admit, going jeans shopping with Reed wasn’t exactly a hardship. Except for the sales guy, who just about fell over himself trying to help him. Some bottle-blond twink with twigs for legs and zero shame pounced on Reed like a Chihuahua trying to hump his leg.

“Oh, you’d look great in these,” Chihuahua boy yipped. He looked Reed up and down and grabbed a pair of jeans from the display and gave them to him. “These would fit you like a glove.” I wasn’t sure if he was going for seductive, but the deliberate finger stroke on Reed’s hand made me want to smack the kid on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

“Don’t apologise. It’s not your fault the twinky Chihuahua tried to hump your leg.” Reed finally started to smile. “Chihuahua?” I nodded. “His full pedigree kennel name is Shameless Bottom Needs a Muscle Daddy, but he gets called Chihuahua Boy for short.” Reed stared at me for a second before he burst out laughing. Like really laughed, really loudly.

The jeans were tight, clearly outlining the muscle definition in his thighs and calves, not to mention the pronounced bulge in his groin. If it were possible to spray on jeans, these were it. Mr Platinum Droolerboy was two seconds away from stripping naked and launching himself at Reed. Jesus, did he just purr?

I didn’t really want this to become a bottom-bitch fight, but I had this guy beat. I mean, I had fifteen years on him at least: I had mastered the “back the fuck off from my man” look when this kid was still in nappies.

“Does your mum honestly think he’ll be at the Nespresso store because he’s on the ads on TV?” I laughed at that. “She does. She’s even written letters to complain that it’s false advertising. Which is horribly embarrassing. But according to her, he’ll only be there on Sundays. God knows why. Actually, I think it’s a religious thing.” “I can see that,” Reed said. He clearly thought the whole thing was funny. “The Church of George. Makes perfect sense to me.”

“I like Anika,” he said. “I don’t. And just so you know, I’m now in the market for a new best friend because she just got fired. I’m so sorry about that. She has no filter, which is ultimately why we get on so well, but―” “Henry?” “Yes?” “It’s fine.” “Ugh. Today’s been horrible for you. First Colin and James, then my mother and sister, then Anika. All I can do is apologise.” “I actually had fun today. It certainly wasn’t horrible. Awkward, maybe, but not horrible.”

We got on well. But more than that, we were productive together, and I really liked that.

“And you’re really going to make me do the Bay Run?” “Yep.” “You don’t have to be so cheerful about trying to kill me.” He chuckled. “You’ll be surprised how easy you’ll do it.” “What? The dying part? Sure, that’s easy. It’s the running part that’s hard.”

I don’t remember there being one point where things changed. It wasn’t bad, and we never fought. We just got complacent. I can see that now. I can see why Graham wanted out.” “And what about Reed?” “I don’t know.” “What don’t you know?” Anika’s brow furrowed. “Because I’ll tell you what I know. You spend a lot of time together. Outside of the gym. You hang out together, you talk on the phone for over an hour. You smile more now than I can remember seeing for years. You look happier, Henry. And it’s because of him.”

“I think he likes you, Henry.” I shook my head. “Not possible.” “Why not?” “Have you seen him?” “Actually no, I haven’t. Looks don’t matter, Henry.” “They do when you look like him. Guys hit on him all the time. Like today! God, I thought that sales guy was gonna drop to his knees in the change rooms.”

“I thought I had my Mr Forever with Graham, but as it turns out, I spent the last six or so years deluding myself. You know what’s worse than being alone?” She squeezed my hands. “What’s that?” “Being with someone and being alone at the same time.”

“I didn’t realise how alone I was when Graham and I were together. Until he left and I actually was alone, and truthfully, nothing was different.”

“You need to decide if you want to act on it? If you want to wait? If you’re happy to just let it go? Only you can answer that, Henry.” “What would you do?” She looked at me like I was crazy. “If that picture you showed me was Reed, I’d be climbing him like a freakin’ tree.”

“If you say size doesn’t matter, I’m gonna call you a liar liar, pants on fire.” I laughed at that. “Well, you’ve clearly never had anal sex with a man endowed with a horse dick.” Anika snorted. “Oh, I’ve had anal sex with a guy who has a huge dick. I just wasn’t the one who bottomed.”

Sean rolled his eyes, and Anika kissed my cheek. “Love you, Henry. And for what it’s worth, I think you should take a chance with Reed. And if it doesn’t work out, then at least you get to have great sex with a guy with a horse dick.” Sean dragged her to the front door. “I’m considering limiting your consumption of wine when you two are together.”

I was excited for the weekend. I hadn’t looked forward to something like this in a long time. Sure, I’d enjoyed weekends with Graham, but we rarely did anything together. The lustre had been lacking in our relationship for a long time. I could see that now. And it was strange that I no longer felt sad or hurt by Graham’s decision to end it. I was hurt by his words, and I was hurt by the cruel way he thought me so undeserving of an adult conversation instead resorting to pointing out my weight and how I chose to live my life. A simple “this isn’t working out” would’ve sufficed.

And as I watched him, doing what he clearly loved surrounded by people he called friends, I figured out what was his one and only fault. Me. It was me that was wrong here. And I realised, with a stab of hurt and foolishness, that I was kidding myself if I thought for one moment Reed could be interested in me.