Troubled Waters

by Zee Reneé

“You can be lonely, but you don’t have to be alone. There’s a difference. It’s folks that love you.

The gesture made me realize that the new season of P-Valley still hadn’t aired, and I was getting fucking annoyed with waiting on their slow asses.

😂😂😂

Them niggas mad ‘cause I killed they cousin the other week. I’ma kill they mamas, too, then what them niggas gone do?”

“You wanna be Lil Wayne so bad. Nigga got seven locs and a possible. That’s crazy.”

My brain ran ninety miles per minute. I felt like the word I had just learned two weeks ago. Violated

😩😩😩

“Yo third toe crooked. Mutha’fucka bouncing left to right and hitting the shoulder lean, damn. You broke that bitch before or sum?”

My stomach was full of butterflies on some cute shit. Even when I showered, nigga was in that bitch whistling and shit, just happy as ever. I don’t know what the hell had gotten into me, but I wasn’t going to fight it. I replayed our kiss, doing a little break dance at the thought.

I just wanted to take care of this for you. When I dropped you off that night, I noticed that the shit looked terrible. The front and the sides were uneven, and it pissed me off.” Kylo used a rag to wipe the sweat from his forehead. “How much he was charging you?”

Some people looked like God was in a rush when He made them, but Kylo was thought out. Sculpted. Kylo was beautiful and the gap between his bowlegs let me know he lacked no good thing. I planned to call Nova myself and thank her for birthing one so fine. Shit ain’t make no sense.

If it’s benefiting you, I’ma take care of that shit. It might seem small to you, but the smallest shit makes the biggest difference. The definition of worthy is having or showing the qualities or abilities that merit recognition in a specified way. So, to answer your question, yes. All the good shit, you’re worthy of it.”

“What do you need from me? How can I make it better?”

You can only be hurt when somebody fails to meet the standard you hold them to.

Here I am thinking I’m finally finna hit a senior citizen and this nigga gone give me a list of therapists. Mannn, I started to toss my water in her fucking face,”

you.” “Nah, I really mean that shit, Cen. It goes beyond just the surface. The more I get to know you and your heart, the more intrigued I become.

“You’re so sweet, Kylo. A gentle giant. Every second we spend together, I cling to it, never wanting it to end. At this point, both of us are just floating in the deep end, and I’m okay with that ‘cause I’m fucking with you, too.”

“Why all y’all music so fucking fast and repetitive? All I hear is shake ya ass shake ya ass shake ya ass. Ooooooo, bounce bounce bounce,” he tried to mimic. That shit was hilarious. “Yeah, Mykel. Give ‘em hell, Mykel. Fuck Mykel! That stupid ass shit.”

“Unc, you might have to put this bitch on a leash! This is a no pet household and this mutha’fucka look like she’ll bite my ankles. Y’all go ahead and head out.”

“You’re worthy of it, baby.

I love when he tells her she worthy

“Fuck respect. A nigga be wanting you in my space. Crawl in my fucking skin. Invade my privacy every time if that means I get to be close to you,”

Yassssss

“Locked in with you and I love it here, like the bitches be saying.

Black men deserve healing, too. We ain’t gotta be strong all the fucking time. I know you won’t but let me know how it goes. Need me to go with you and just sit in the car, I got you. You a hell of a friend and brother to me, so I’m ten toes behind you, Sauce. Go be free, my nigga,” Ro pointed his head at nothing in particular.

RO is real ass friend

“Oh, you coming in early tryna joce, huh? With your 2T leg having ass,” he pointed. I hollered, looking down at my skinny legs. “I’ma make yo ass cry out this bitch!”

Not the therapist roasting like this lmao

When I’m around yo goofy ass, I feel fruits of the spirit…love, gentleness, goodness, self-control, faithfulness, happiness, patience, peace…. joy. All nine of them, not just one. I feel it all over me. I feel you all over me. You in my head already but fuck…you are making this mark in my chest that’s traveling to my heart. I’on know if I like it. I’on know if I’m ready, but when I see you smile, the shit gives me a boost as if to tell me to…. prepare. When your lips touch mine, I never want to leave. It’s fucking me up. You fucking me up. You got a nigga confused in the best way.”

“I promise. I’an no lying ass nigga. If you stank, I’ma say you stank. If you musty, I’ma tell you that you smell like fucking onions. My point is, I’m a man of my word and I’m telling you that I’an gone fumble you, Cen. On Nova.”

“Your heart. It’s so pure. The way you love has no limits. I’ve seen how you love others. The way you love your family is…oh my gosh. It is so beautiful. You lost a lot during your childhood, but you are amazing, and I pray that you realize that for yourself. If you could see yourself the way I see you, Kylo, you’d never feel self-doubt again. You are one of a fucking kind.

“I always said I’ll mop the ocean dry and drag my coochie across the concrete before I ever propose to a man, but damn! You the type of nigga that make me want to reconsider.

how’s your heart?” I laid my hand on her chest. “How are you healing from that shit?”

Kylo is so honest. I feel like if he cheats on me or something, his ass gone come home and be like, tell me why I just cheated on yo ass,” I mocked his voice,

That shit makes my dick hard every time I witness you pull the trigger. Fine as fuck, can shoot the pistol, make me happy, my people love you,” Kylo listed out on fingers, “I mean, damn! A nigga is satisfied. What you doing tomorrow at twelve? You tryna go to the courthouse?”

Nova chuckled. “I did, and I don’t regret it. Honestly, if that bitch was alive right now, I’d kill her a million times over again. Yes, I’m the mutha’fucka that killed your mother, sweet girl. Now, come see me ‘bout it. Safe travels.”

Boy, on Nova. From out the womb ‘til about three weeks old, I looked like Jeepers Creepers son. They ain’t let me bake long enough when I was in that bitch. That can’t be me,” I shook my head in disgust. I didn’t even want to see the pictures of me again. One time was enough.

This shit past a liking. Nigga be excited when yo name pop up on my screen and shit. Just smiling and looking dumb as fuck. Got three emojis by yo fucking name, like what the fuck? Who am I becoming for you?”

“Nigga, these instant ass, microwavable ass grits. Then the bacon gooey. I’m chewing these strips like some well-done ass steak. Nigga been chewing on one slice for ten minutes. The eggs taste burnt. The pancake taste like ass sauce. The shit just nasty. The sausage and pastries good, though, but overall, you get an F for effort. F for fucking this shit up. F for fuck no, don’t ever cook again. But thank you, ‘cause I am grateful.”

“I’an going out like no bitch. You pussy ass niggas know how I get down! Untie me! Face me like a nigga! I’ma kill y’all ass with my bare hands then I’ma fuck yo mama! On Nova, nigga.”

Why the fuck would you do that shit to me, nigga? I’m your fucking son?” I fumed, punching Carter’s pad so hard that his swole ass lost his footing. Carter had no words, he only continued catching the hits with his pads. “You beat Nova outta jealously. You knew what you couldn’t do with Kai, so you chose the weakest link at the time. Try that shit now.” I punched again. “The most fucked up thing you could’ve done was try to rape me. Drown me first, beat the fuck out me to the point…Argh!” I fired off punch after punch. “I’m in this bitch bleeding while you held my head under hot water. To make the shit worse, while I’m borderline near death, you tried to backdoor yo own fucking son, literally. I wish yo mama would’ve swallowed you. Each time I suffer, I got to start remembering how yo body looked against that cold floor. You were the first dead body I’d ever seen, and it makes my adrenaline rush when I think of how you didn’t die instantly. You suffered for one minute and five seconds. I know ‘cause I counted. That still ain’t enough. I wish you could suffer every day like I do, both mentally and physically.”

Black men could cry. Black men could feel. Black men could be depressed. Black men could have moments of weakness. Black men needed a shoulder. Black men could heal, just like everybody else. So, fuck it, a tear a day keeps the pain away.

“Babbyy, I been waitttingg, my whole lifeeee, and bitchhh you finna diiieee!” I sang. “Or whatever Beyoncé said.

“Who did the body? He looked like himself,” Harlee fanned her face.

My best advice for people that are struggling is to hold on. I know what they did. I know how they hurt you. I know that person may have left you alone, but you’re here. You’re not your past. You’re not a failure, nor a mistake. God got you. Wait and trust Him. Keep trusting. Keep fighting. Keep pushing. Know that you’re here for a purpose and on purpose. You got this. You are so strong. You. Are. Loved.

“If a river was liquor and I was a duck, I’d swim my way down and drink my way up! But a river ain’t liquor and I’an a mutha’fuckin’ duck. So, we gone take these shots, and get fucked up!” They all chanted.

My favorite part of our story is that God had already written it, stamping that our love is a good thing. My favorite part of you will always be how you love. You transcend. Your love is safe, intentional, boundless, and oh so passionate. You came in and put me in my soft girl era and I never want to leave. I never want this feeling to end. Like a puzzle piece, you fit right into my heart, my life, my soul. I love you, Kylo.”