Troubled Waters

by Zee Reneé

I cried for little Kylo who only longed for a relationship with his daddy. I wept for the little black boy that didn’t feel heard and was forced to act out in different ways to express himself. For the little black boy that was written off as Autistic or deemed as having ADHD, because to them, we can’t be happy or hyperactive. They didn’t like to see us have joy, peace, or happiness without a fucking label.

“Sit the fuck down and wait,” I advised Frank who was my Peppermint Angelfish, while I sprinkled worms in the tank for him. He didn’t let them last long before he was taking them down, almost biting my hand in the process. I thumped him, sending him flying deeper into the water. “Just for that, you ain’t eating nun else, fat bitch.”

unimpressed. “Oh wowww! You just wasted my fucking time, nephew.”

“What? He show me that same stupid ass flip every time. He ain’t do shit. That’s what’s wrong. Parents need to be honest. I’ma tell my kids like uncle Jerome did on Snowfall. Get the fuck out of here with that dumb shit, lil’ nigga,”

“You know that ain’t me, but I’ma do it. Been a year and she still ain’t fucking with me. I gotta fuck. You see her ass, nigga? I know the back shots go crazy. Shit gotta sound like Jackson State drumline when they play Southern. I’ll wear her elderly ass out. Release some of that pressure before she get the shingles.”

“Fuck out my house, Nugget. Take her on a date minus wanting to fuck on her.” “If I take a bitch out, she gone fuck. Suck a nigga dick or sum,” I whispered like the song and did a little dance. Kai hollered and I couldn’t help but join in on the laugh as we dapped up. “A favor for a favor, my nigga.”

“You can be lonely, but you don’t have to be alone. There’s a difference. It’s folks that love you. I’m here. If you feel yourself falling in too deep, you know I’ma pull you out every chance I get.

“Be wise, and if you ain’t know, I’on take well to threats, so fuck with me, baby girl. Show me sum.”

“You wanna be Lil Wayne so bad. Nigga got seven locs and a possible. That’s crazy.”

“You not my fucking son. Always remember that, with your dumb ass. I’m finna really make yo ass cry. Since the beatings ain’t working, I’ma fuck some sense into you. Open up for me, baby boy,” he chuckled as he mimicked Nova. My brain ran ninety miles per minute. I felt like the word I had just learned two weeks ago.

“It ain’t that much love in the world. A man should never lay hands on you or vice versa, unless y’all playing or you fighting back. If he has to be physical with you to get his point across, that’s a grown man who lacks communication skills. You know you deserve better, Pri. Leon is not it,”

With each hit, the fish flew further down in the water and Kylo followed them. He was leaned all over in the tank, beating they ass…with a straw.

“You go on your side of the tank, and you go on the other! Frank, you ain’t eating a bitch ass thang for two days!” The fact that he was dead ass serious did it for me and I don’t know if I was tripping, but it was like the fish were really listening to his commands. I palmed my sides as I laughed.

Kylo switched tabs as I took in the words he just spoke, as well as the ones on the computer screen. Best Toe Reconstructive Surgeon in New Orleans. I hollered as I realized he was on a surgeon website and playfully mushed his head. He was cracking up. “Let me see yo toes, then, since you talmbout mine!”

“Yeah nigga, and my shit smooth. All my shit straight and I got a nail on my pinky toe! My sister keep my shit right.” “So!” I laughed with him as I threw my right foot onto his lap. “My feet beautiful! Just ‘cause one toe crooked don’t mean nothing.”

“If I wanted to fuck you, I’d have you stretched out across this couch on all fours with a handful of them pretty ass curls on yo head, whimpering my name. That ain’t what I wanted to do. I just wanted you to know that you were safe. To answer your question, the look in your eyes told me that you weren’t ready to be alone and I wasn’t ready for you to go. The Bible says it ain’t good for man to be alone and I’ve never heard anything truer. An idle mind is the devil’s workshop, and I know that shit all too well, so I had you to stay with me. You full. You had a good laugh. You got a toe doctor and now you got me.” He stood from the couch, stretching his limbs. “Now, let’s pull up on yo bitch ass uncle.”

“Running the streets is not my end goal. Freedom for me would be a fresh start toward the life that’s in my head. The one that feels so close to me that I can nearly reach out and touch that shit. I want a soft life. A stress-free life filled with true happiness, surrounded by people that I love. I keep hearing you say all of this about family. It’s only been a few hours, and you’ve mentioned your people more times than I can count. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, because it’s so damn beautiful. You glow when you mention them. For me, I’on have that. I just want better days, away from shit I’ve never wanted, away from people that mean me no good. You know?”

“First, you can do anything you put yo mind to. If mutha’fuckas ‘round you stressing you out to the point where you can’t do the shit you wanna do, then they gotta go. You a grown woman, Cen. You gotta move like the boss you are in all aspects of yo life, not just when it comes to this street shit. That shit gotta apply to your personal life, too. If you take out the titles, you gotta know who the fuck you are without that. Strip yourself bare until you find you.”

Application is a struggle. You can have all these plans, but when it’s time to apply, it’s so easy to get clueless.

Jazmine will eat anybody up on the mic. Anybody. Y’all niggas don’t know Stuttering, Excuse Me, and Mascara. Nobody fucking with her.”

“Pay me with your time.” He reached out, moving some of my curls from my face, lightly pushing them behind my right ear. “Clear your schedule. Let a nigga spend the day with you. Your presence will be all the payment I need, for now at least.”

“Of whatever the fuck I do for you. No need to take note of it, either, ‘cause anything that comes from me is from the heart. If it’s benefiting you, I’ma take care of that shit. It might seem small to you, but the smallest shit makes the biggest difference. The definition of worthy is having or showing the qualities or abilities that merit recognition in a specified way. So, to answer your question, yes. All the good shit, you’re worthy of it.”

“Didn’t we go over this already? I’on play no middleman shit. If I call the shot, then nine times outta ten, I execute that bitch, too. I’on like repeating myself and talmbout dumb shit, Innocent. I’m fucking with you, ‘cause I’m fucking with you. There ain’t no ulterior motive. If I had to sneak and butter mutha’fuckas up as a set up to die, it’d never work. I’m too much of a lunatic to pussyfoot around. If I had a bounty on yo’ head, you’d be good and stankin’ by now.”

“Yeah, ‘cause I’ll pull up on yo lil’ ass, that’s why. Fuck we need to text for? Bring yo ass outside. I’m on that type of time.”

“Besties is crazy.” “For real, though. I heard what you said ‘bout not having sex yet and shit. Know that I will wait for you mentally, emotionally, and physically. I love sex, don’t get it fucked up, but contrary to belief, I am a patient man. Whatever we working toward can be beautiful, with or without me blowing yo back out. Now, this is some shit I’an ever done, but for you, I am willing because you are worthy. A nigga will catch arthritis in my wrist from jacking off before I rush you into fucking. I can wait, so take yo time, love.”

“Damn!” Kylo palmed his chest as he fist bumped the lady with his free hand. “Unc, you might have to put this bitch on a leash! This is a no pet household and this mutha’fucka look like she’ll bite my ankles. Y’all go ahead and head out.”

“Oh nigga, I forgot to tell you. Innocent tryna hook you up with her cousin.” Ro’s left eyebrow raised. “How much she weigh?” “From the neck up, she looks like she Cen size. I only seen her on Facetime, though.” “I’m good then.” I laughed my ass off. He loved him a plus-size woman and it wasn’t a fetish; it was what he was genuinely attracted to.

When I’m around yo goofy ass, I feel fruits of the spirit…love, gentleness, goodness, self-control, faithfulness, happiness, patience, peace…. joy. All nine of them, not just one. I feel it all over me. I feel you all over me. You in my head already but fuck…you are making this mark in my chest that’s traveling to my heart. I’on know if I like it. I’on know if I’m ready, but when I see you smile, the shit gives me a boost as if to tell me to…. prepare. When your lips touch mine, I never want to leave. It’s fucking me up. You fucking me up. You got a nigga confused in the best way.”

“I apologize. I’an mean that shit. Be patient with me. Bear with me. We learning this shit together.” “I make you feel fruits of the spirit, like in Galatians?” “Book five, Cen. Yes. Everyday. Every single one,”

“The one you specifically make me feel is joy. It’s crazy as hell, ‘cause I’d been praying and asking God to give to me a sense of peace. The moment I changed my prayer to joy, He blessed me with you. It was the same day I met you at the dice game, when I beat yo ass.”

“We don’t book flights, baby. We just call the captain and hop on that bitch. No commercial, private only. You are precious cargo and I’ma treat you like that every trip and every single day.” Innocent pecked my lips again, pulling back so she could look me in the eyes. “You promise?”

“Your heart. It’s so pure. The way you love has no limits. I’ve seen how you love others. The way you love your family is…oh my gosh. It is so beautiful. You lost a lot during your childhood, but you are amazing, and I pray that you realize that for yourself. If you could see yourself the way I see you, Kylo, you’d never feel self-doubt again. You are one of a fucking kind. I’m blessed to have you as my first bestie with benefits, ‘cause you got the bar set so high,” I lightly pinched him and we both chuckled. “So fucking high, and I love it here, still. Flaws and all. But I said all that to say, I’m here.”

“Jesus, I come before you asking you for healing. Your Word says ask and we shall receive, so we receive healing over Kylo. Heal his mind. Heal his heart. Release his inner child, God. Allow him to accept the love that you have made freely available for us. Allow him to be free. Heal my baby, in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

“I always said I’ll mop the ocean dry and drag my coochie across the concrete before I ever propose to a man, but damn! You the type of nigga that make me want to reconsider. Thank you, thank you! Is this fo’real?”

“Yeah well, we crossing shit off your bucket list every day you with me. When we first met, I told you that you were going for everything you want in life. I meant that. Life for you will seem like an adventure daily and I’ma make sure of that. So, tell me all yo dreams and I’ma turn every single one into your reality.”

“I’ma be yo first and yo last everything. Welcome to death row, love.”

“I..I don’t know what’s happening to me. What do I do?” “You having an orgasm, love. Your body is listening and responding. Keep rolling these thick ass hips on me and look yo nigga in the eyes while you nut.” Kylo kissed my nose, groaning from the pleasure he was also feeling as I rode him through my clothes. “It’s always okay to cum for me.”

Just like Kylo’s favorite Levert song goes, Baby, I’m Ready…

“You quoted patience to me that day, but the real definition is capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset. Nigga ain’t know I had this much patience until I started fucking with you. I’m waiting on you. I want you to be comfortable, not pressured. I can go find me a thick bitch on Twitter to get my nut. We good, baby.”

Innocent had the kind of body you had to learn. I only knew how to fuck these hoes, and while they say I did it well, my goal was to only get my nut off. Standing over Cen made me want to cater. To nurture. To hold. To devour. To make love to, some shit I’ve never done. This moment we were preparing to share was indeed our first time.

My nut shot out like no fucking other, and I didn’t bother coming out of this amazing shit. A nigga was ready to pack my suitcase and move the fuck in right now.

“On Nova, Innocent, I’ll kill you if you even think about giving this shit away. You belong to me.”

“I was sex-trafficked from the age of fourteen through sixteen. By him,” she whispered. “There was a woman who was Post’s connect before I got in the game. The way he paid her was by offering up me and Capri. Olive. That’s her name. Olive had a fetish for young girls, not too young, but not legal, either.

“My heart has been on ice for so long. I didn’t intentionally put it there, life’s experiences did. Then you swoop into my world, and it starts heating up, like a fucking kettle. I’ve never felt what love really was, but you and my heart are acquainted. There is no denying that, so to answer you, my heart is the best it’s ever been.”

“Candy apple, carmine, crimson, maroon, ruby, scarlet, vermilion,”

“Huh? What’s that?” “Shades of red, love. These all the colors I’m finna paint the world behind you, fuck the city. Niggas better round up they front-line finest ‘cause nobody is off limits. Ten mutha’fuckin toes down behind you, Innocent.”

Cen wanted to stay at her own place tonight and while I wanted to fight her on it, I had to understand that she needed space. Understanding still didn’t stop me from having a fucking attitude, because what you mean you need space? All this room in my house? I could’ve slept on the porch while she slept in the bedroom. I needed her close to me, in my fucking skin at all times, but to be fair, I shut the fuck up and granted her request.

“But seriously, he does shit without me even having to ask. Kylo is the kind of man you dream about, but when God sends him to you, it doesn’t feel like your reality. He is the kind of man that you know without a doubt that was heaven sent. He makes me feel like I don’t deserve him, but every day, he reminds me that I am worthy of all the good things. I love it.”

wanna make sure you ain’t hurting or need sum I can provide for you. Ain’t too much out of my reach and you know that.”

“It ain’t shit, ‘cause you worthy of it, love. I know you like a nigga rubbing yo fine ass down and shit ‘cause you fast in the ass. Don’t worry, I still got you. I’ll rub you down then dick you down,” he moved down my body to lift my shirt,