Troubled Waters

by Zee Reneé

The gesture made me realize that the new season of P-Valley still hadn’t aired, and I was getting fucking annoyed with waiting on their slow asses.

We were meant to be in community, holding and supporting one another.

When I’m around yo goofy ass, I feel fruits of the spirit…love, gentleness, goodness, self-control, faithfulness, happiness, patience, peace…. joy. All nine of them, not just one. I feel it all over me. I feel you all over me. You in my head already but fuck…you are making this mark in my chest that’s traveling to my heart. I’on know if I like it. I’on know if I’m ready, but when I see you smile, the shit gives me a boost as if to tell me to…. prepare. When your lips touch mine, I never want to leave. It’s fucking me up. You fucking me up. You got a nigga confused in the best way.”

“I make you feel fruits of the spirit, like in Galatians?” “Book five, Cen. Yes. Everyday. Every single one,”

“The one you specifically make me feel is joy. It’s crazy as hell, ‘cause I’d been praying and asking God to give to me a sense of peace. The moment I changed my prayer to joy, He blessed me with you. It was the same day I met you at the dice game, when I beat yo ass.”

“A woman that sees your pain and doesn’t shy away from that shit, is a keeper. Hold on to her feisty ass but don’t forget to love yourself while you’re loving her. Sometimes we give so much to others that we fall on the backburner. Regardless of what others may feel about you, I know your heart.

Don’t allow your grass to die while you’re watering others. Innocent can water yours, but certain weeds need to be dug up and replanted by you and you only. Real soul work.”

For the first time in forever, a nigga was looking forward to what else the day held. Mentally, life was being sucked out of me, but Innocent was replenishing the fuck out of my soul. She was a breath of fresh air, and I loved the fuck out of her.

“I’m not excusing what happened in the slightest, friend. However, when you are in a battle with your mind, you will do whatever it takes to find some release. Dealing with mental illness doesn’t come with a rulebook. This ain’t no shit parents sit down and talk to you about. If we being real, if you went and told your parent or guardian that you were depressed, they would look at you and say, ‘Go take yo ass in that kitchen and depress them dishes’.”

The truth is mental health is an open playing field with millions of traps you can easily get sucked into, or be triggered by the smallest things. If you are imbalanced spiritually, mentally, or physically, everything else goes downhill. When the devil gets in your brain, encouraging you to do some shit, sometimes, you just go along with it. It makes you feel like somebody, or something, hears you.

Many days, I wake up with tears in my eyes and boulders on my shoulders. Barely awake and the first thing on my mind is her. Then, when I feel that ache in my chest, I’m reminded of my pain, and I say yeah, I’m still here. That reality just hurts. I think it hurts even more because we were blindsided by the death.”

“There is no grief without love.

“Love doesn’t change, especially when it’s true. Like I told her, time apart is what y’all need. Sometimes, we get so wrapped up in our spouse that we forget to nurture ourselves. You can’t love her and not yourself and vice versa. You’re pouring from a broken glass, Bean and your cup will never get full doing that. Do shit that keeps the love alive during this time. I know you still feel her, so hold on to that.”

Mental health didn’t have a look, and nobody was exempt from it. It wasn’t taken seriously until it affected them or someone they loved and sometimes, not even then. People didn’t understand that we didn’t pick depression or anxiety, the mutha’fucka chose us. A smile didn’t mean you were okay, just as isolation didn’t mean you lack happiness. My advice was to educate yourself so you can help those who need it or shut the fuck up.

“If a nigga’s penis is less than two inches, that’s not a dick, that is a peter wacker!”

“I love it like this. Puffed out in a pretty ass curly afro. You ain’t gotta always tame black hair. That’s what the world wants you to do. Fuck the world and what they think. Wear that shit the way it grows out your head, wild and free. That’s the beauty of hair. Nah, fuck that. That’s the beauty of black hair.