Hounded (with two bonus short stories): Book One of The Iron Druid Chronicles

by Kevin Hearne

<Gnomes?> Oberon asked. <You mean those white-bearded guys people put in their front yards for me to chew up?> No, not garden gnomes. Those didn’t show up until after World War II. These are real gnomes from the Old World. They’re quite rare. If you try chewing on them, they’ll chew back. Oberon stopped and cocked his head to one side. <You’re telling me those are gnomes pretending to be dwarfs pretending to be elves? Are you trying to play Six Degrees of Bilbo Baggins again?>

Try to bear it with patience, Oberon. I’ll buy you a steak when we’re finished. <No fooling?> No fooling. You did a great job alerting me to the gnomes, so you can have a filet wrapped in bacon if you want. <Just one? I smelled five gnomes. Doesn’t that mean I should get five filets?> I smiled and bound myself to the form of a great horned owl. It was one of four animal shapes I could take, and ideal for surreptitiously observing skulduggery on a late-autumn night. I don’t think the gnome-filet exchange rate is one-to-one. <Don’t get cheap on me now, Atticus,> Oberon said as I took wing.

The parties did not shake hands and wish each other well. Goibhniu casually took a step toward the fence and stretched out his hand, dangling the golden flask out into space. This, apparently, was a signal. The gnomes shouted “Rathskeller!” in a decidedly un-elvish register, ceased all pretense of being Santa’s helpers, and sprinted off the stage, much to the confusion of Santa and much to the trauma of all the good little boys and girls.

And toilet paper! Let me tell you, people go on and on about what a great idea electricity was, but I’m going to put toilet paper right next to the wheel and say those are the best ideas anyone’s ever had. Scoff at it if you will, but try living for two millennia without it and then we’ll talk.

<Can I watch something with swords and arterial sprays of blood? I don’t want to watch any more romantic comedies or those teen angst flicks you like.>

“No, that’s only part of what I do. As the earth is bound to me, so I am bound to it, and I must answer when it calls. It called me here to set it free.”