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And eventually a woman needs a man who’s willing to put down the game controller and pick up the damn dry cleaning without being asked six times.”
“When you’re in a relationship, isn’t part of the fun being able to tell the other person what they can and can’t do?” “Yeah, when you’re the woman.”
“I always thought at some point I’d be the best version of myself and that things would come easier then. But nothing is easy. There is no best self. It’s all just hard work and sweaty, painful practice.”
Gabe was statue-still. Eyes open and unblinking. He was sweating profusely. Her father was glaring at Elanora like he wanted to stab her with his invisible knife and fork. Someone farted. Her money was on Fred.
“How do you know I’m not mad?” “My balls are still attached, and this is a ball-dismembering offense.”
Riley spun around and slapped a hand to his face, squeezing his cheeks together. “You’re sooo cute when you’re confused and pissed off.”
“Why aren’t you mad?” “Oh, come on. What were you supposed to do? Call them up and say, ‘Hi, Mom and Dad. I’m seeing someone. She’s a psychic, and she talks to dead people. She got me shot last month in the fountain, and she lives with a bunch of old weirdos who fart all the time and can’t remember the Wi-Fi password. What’s new with you?’”
Riley was convinced the woman was Satan and had been called back to hell for a management emergency.
“Listen closely, you no-talent, couldn’t-deliver-an-orgasm-if-your-life-depended-on-it turd waffle.
She tried to boop him on the nose Bella-style but missed and poked him in the mouth.
“Hey, guys! It’s me, Drunk Riley. Nick says I can read his mind. So I guess go ahead and show me whatever is going on in there. I’m guessing it has to do with sex and lawn care.”
“Climb in here and make me.” Nick hung up and started to crawl again but paused when he heard something up ahead. It sounded like a fart. Smelled like one too. “Mrs. Penny?” he called. “Pipe down!” an elderly voice hissed.
“Real funny, boss. Hey, wanna hear something even funnier?” “Sure. Why not,” he said, grabbing her by the ankles and wondering how he was going to get the leverage to pull her backward if he was stretched out flat like a tapeworm. “Pull my ankles,” she said. Nick gave them a hard tug, and Mrs. Penny let out a loud fart. He smacked his head off the top of the duct. “Ow!” “Hehe,” Mrs. Penny chuckled. “Pull my ankle. Get it?”
“Death strips away everything we think is important only to reveal what actually is important,” Elanora said. “All souls remember their truth once the distortions of life begin to fade.”
The important lesson is to not wait for death to make you a good soul.
“Gotta dream big, Thorn. Otherwise, you’re not dreaming. You’re just planning.”
