Snake Oil Bullet (Harmony Black, #8)

by Craig Schaefer

No part of this book was created using generative AI. Craig Schaefer and Demimonde Books are actively opposed to the use of generative AI in the arts, and have pledged to never use it.

“This, ladies, is what happens when someone grows up on a steady diet of cyberpunk sci-fi novels and the Matrix trilogy on repeat and decides to put their passions to work. Don’t let the BDSM getup fool you. She’s scary good at what she does and she commands top dollar.”

Jessie was smiling. Harmony wasn’t good at facial expressions. She knew from long experience, though, that Jessie had different kinds of smiles. There was the genuinely friendly kind, the I’m going to tear your liver out with my teeth and eat it kind, and the one Harmony liked least: the one her best friend wore when she had a truly dangerous idea.

selling them his zombie juice. They want to see it work on a test subject before they hand over the cash. Providing their own cadaver cuts down on any potential trickery.” Jessie shrugged. “Either that, or this is a very weird sequel to Weekend at Bernie’s.

Well, you look like a lesbian in denial,

“Kevin, we’re eastbound and Jessie has mounted the enemy vehicle. I need you to keep the police out of our way. Do we have drone coverage of the traffic ahead?” His voice crackled in her ear: “Give me one second to adjust trajectory and…wait, did you say mounted?” “Unfortunately, I did.”

Jessie nodded past her to the open belly of the plane. “What’s up, and why is Marco puking at the edge of the hanger?” “Oh, nothing big, just Doctor Frankenstein deciding she’s gonna conduct an autopsy on my plane. Y’know, when I agreed to fly for Vigilant, I didn’t realize y’all were batshit crazy.” “To be fair,” Jessie said, “ten minutes of talking to me should have made that clear. Most people figure it out even faster than that.”

“What’s the first thing any serious magician learns?” she asked. “Easy,” Kevin said. “There’s no such thing as vampires.” “Second?” April saw where she was going with this. “That magic offers very few easy shortcuts, let alone miracles.

“Also,” Jessie added, “let’s be real: it’s not like West’s zombie juice is out of the alpha-testing stage, and that’s being generous. The bodies he brings back are tough as all hell and can take a beating, but they make Frankenstein’s monster look smart.” Kevin cleared his throat. “He is smart. In the original novel.” She turned her head slowly, arching one eyebrow. “Nerd,” she said, “I require breakfast. And a dog whistle. Go. Now.” “A…dog whistle?” “I’ll explain when you get back.”

“And how much paid time off do most people even get?” “We get paid time off?” Kevin said, perking up. “No,” Jessie said, “I’m talking about normal people, not us.”

Harmony called up toward the cockpit. “Aselia, is the Hemi ready to travel?” “Depends,” she called back. “You gonna break it again?” “Probably,” Jessie yelled. Harmony stared at her. She spread her open hands. “What? I don’t lie to my friends.”

“Harm, the hippies are the ones who became the venture capitalists.” “Cynical.” “But correct. When push comes to shove, the people who shout the loudest about their principles usually don’t really have any. Give ‘em a taste of money and power and all that talk about peace and love goes straight out the window. Hard to put a flower in the barrel of a gun when you’re making bank off Boeing and Raytheon.”

“Hate it when you’re right. Okay, we leave the guns. But if anybody draws on me in there, I will wolf out and start eating faces.” “I’d expect you to.” Harmony took out her glasses, slipped them on, and checked her face in the mirror. The pinhole camera was perfectly concealed beside a stray blonde curl. “You do sound a little excited at the prospect, though.” “Hon,” Jessie said, “I’ve been in the mood to eat somebody’s face since we landed in San Francisco. C’mon, let’s go be journalists.”

ELIZA

“You know she was flirting with you, right?” “Oh, I…I don’t think so.” “See?” The locks clicked. “Most of us work hard to cultivate game. You have accidental game and you don’t even pick up on it. Face it, Harm, you’re lesbian bait.” “I…don’t think I’m gay, though?” Jessie rolled her eyes. “That just makes it so much more annoying. C’mon, let’s hit the road.”

“Do not,” April said in their earpieces as Jessie fired up the engine, “seduce the reptile.” “Aunt April is a woman of strong opinions.” “I am. And while I have some observations, I’d like to hear yours first.”

“Go on, girl. Rizz her up. I’ll keep my distance, but I’ll stay in sight just in case you need me.” April spoke over their earpieces, her voice flat. “Do not ‘rizz her up.’” “You don’t even know what rizz is,” Jessie muttered. “I know you shouldn’t be doing it.”

“No,” April said. “His operation looks clean, at least as clean as anyone can be charging two thousand dollars for a ‘kidney detoxification weekend’ involving vitamin-infused kale. Utterly shameless.” “Maybe he’s got a really good recipe.” “Jessie, did you know that there’s already a miracle substance that cleans and regulates your kidneys as long as you take it regularly? It’s called water.”

“My dude,” Mercury said. “My guy. My main man. You’ve killed more people than the plague.” Santiago shrugged. He tapped two fingers to his sternum. “Yeah, but like…I got Jesus in my heart.”

Jessie grabbed Harmony’s sleeve and yanked her back, hard. “Excuse me,” she said, “I need a word with my fellow agent.” She pulled her to the corner of the shack, hauled her close, and put her lips to Harmony’s ear. “Yell yell yell, grumble snarl etcetera,” she whispered. “Now stand back and look duly chastened.”

“Because,” Nadine said, “you are facing off against a genuinely skilled opponent, and I intend for you to win. Distractions and doubts will only weaken you.” Her voice dropped to a silken panther’s purr. “You are mine, Harmony Black. No other will have you, and in the end, you will bend your knee to me and me alone. If some upstart thinks otherwise, it will be my great pleasure to correct them.”

“I strongly suggest you disguise yourself. Puppy, however, does not disguise well, not with those eyes of hers, or her insolent attitude. She would serve best as remote backup, ready to respond with heavy firepower in case your investigation becomes a provocation. Move with stealth and purpose, and then…we take them down.” “‘We?’” “Am I not on the team? Please don’t say I’m not, darling, you’ll hurt my feelings terribly.”

“Excuse me, I’m sorry, but this area is off limits to—” Jessie grabbed Harmony by the collar hard and yanked her into a kiss. Their lips met, smoldering, a rush of animal heat that flushed Harmony’s face beet red and poured downward from there, a shivering waterfall of warmth that made her toes curl. It was over as soon as it began, Jessie breaking the kiss to smile awkwardly at the new nurse who stood in the doorway.

“Did…did you two just make out?” Kevin asked. “It was one quick kiss,” Jessie said. “When we make out, you’ll be the last to know about it, I promise.” “I like how you said when instead of if.” “Kevin, don’t be horny on the comm. That’s an order.”

“That man,” she said, “should not exist.” “Are we talking about billionaires as a concept, or…?”

“If it’s empty, we’ll slip in, toss the place gently, and find out whatever we can dig up.” “And if it isn’t?” April asked. “Improvisation is the soul of necessity.” “That is not a real proverb,” April said.

Harmony pushed herself back to her feet as Jessie trotted up, wiping the back of her hand across her mouth. Her eyes were bright, glittering in the shadows, her face was a ghoulish mask of blood spatter, and she grinned like a jackal. “What?” Jessie said, catching the look on Harmony’s face. “Are you…you?” “I’m always me,” she said, showing her wet, scarlet teeth. “Never felt better. C’mon, they gave us a ride, let’s take it. I’ll drive, you’ve got shotgun. Well…pistol. Whatever.”

“Who’s your favorite captain?” “Janeway,” Jessie said.

“Ooh. ‘He.’ You know, it’s impressive that he even got to the dungeon. Not a lot of people can hang in my weight class. He cute?” “He’s too young for you.” “Oh come on,” Kevin’s voice crackled through her earpiece. “Damn it, I’m never going to get a goth girlfriend. Never.”

“Do I look like I’m screwing around?” Kevin barked at him. He shoved his badge into the man’s sweaty face and yanked it away fast. “Does this badge say I’m the firefighter in charge of playing games with idiots? Listen pal, we’re looking at a class three which is precisely seventy-two seconds from turning into a class five, and you know who’s gonna be held responsible for that? You. In fact, this needs to go into the official report. What’s your name, so we can call your family and tell ‘em you won’t be home for the next twenty years due to your ass being in prison?”