Power Forward (Chicago Thunder, #4)

by Jodi Oliver

“Thanks for listening.” Another silence. “I… I better go and nap ahead of our game tonight, but, uh… I’m here if you need someone to talk to. Or… you know, send more random facts about jellyfish.” I can hear the smile in his voice. A bark of laughter escapes me. “Hey, don’t diss. Jellyfish are cool.” “As long as they stay the hell away from me and my kids, sure. I’ll think they’re cool with a thick pane of glass between us.” My smile is so fucking wide my cheeks hurt. “Thanks, Jax. I hope you have a good game tonight.” We hang up, and for the first time in years, there’s a spark of happiness ignited inside of me.

“Have fun.” Mom winks at me over Isabela’s head as she heads toward the family room. “Make sure you take photos of all the costumes, especially Ethan’s.” She lets out a contented sigh over her shoulder. “That man is beautiful. It’s unfair, really.” For as long as I can remember, my mom’s had a soft spot for Ethan. I don’t blame her—he’s a good-looking guy.

Same, Mrs. Wilde

I almost choke on my beer when I spot Zach’s boyfriend, Carter, dancing with Elliot. Carter’s dressed in a tight white dress that leaves nothing to the imagination, a pair of white Air Jordans, and a Princess Leia wig. Zach stands to the side in a Han Solo costume, watching his boyfriend dance to a remix of ABBA’s “Gimme Gimme Gimme” with a loved-up smile on his face. “Dude! You came as Bandit!” Elliot hoots after he’s finished dancing, tapping his cup against mine. “I fucking love Bluey.” “Thank you!” I say, casting a glare at Peyton. “I’m glad someone appreciates my effort.”

“Dude. You’re accepting praise from the guy who came dressed up as his crush,” Peyton quips, pointing to Elliot, who responds by flipping him the bird. I take in Elliot’s navy tactical pants and matching navy T-shirt, then notice the Chicago Fire Department Engine 3 emblem on his chest and grin. “Got yourself a T-shirt, huh? How long did it take you to ask for that?” Elliot’s crush on the lieutenant started last year during the annual Chicago Thunder family fun day when the local fire department was invited to bring along an engine and ladder. It was more for the kids, but Elliot, being the lovable guy he is, got really excited over the fire trucks. But his anxiety can often prevent him from putting himself out there, and while we tease him like we would a little brother, I always make sure he knows our teasing is playful because sometimes he struggles to differentiate. “Fuck you both very much,” Elliot huffs. He throws back the remnants of his beer before mumbling, “I got it the other day.” Peyton and I struggle to hold back our laughter as Elliot walks off in Blaine and Alex’s direction. “I fucking love that guy,” Peyton proclaims, and I wholeheartedly agree.

ELLIOOOOOOOOT!

Speak of the devil, and he shall appear. Hayden stands in the archway to the kitchen, a bottle of champagne in one hand and what I assume is a bottle of whiskey in the other. And wouldn’t you know, he’s wearing a Chilli costume. Chilli, who’s Bluey’s mom. Bandit’s wife. They are a couple. Peyton’s head snaps my way, amusement dancing in his blue eyes. “This is hilarious. Did you plan this?” I shake my head, stunned speechless. Hayden watches me cautiously. There’s a tense line in his broad shoulders. His eyes focus on mine behind his black frames, a silent question flashing through them: Are you going to freak out? And that’s the thing. Maybe I should freak out because why is he here, wearing that? Does he know the significance of this? Of what it means to me? Or is this some kind of weird coincidence? I took a photo of me and the kids earlier before I left, but I haven’t shared it anywhere, so it’s not like he could have orchestrated this intentionally. “Hey,” he rasps when he finally pulls himself away from Peyton and Blaine and every other one of my teammates who monopolizes his time. Jealous? Ugh, fuck off, conscience. “Hey,” I echo, suddenly feeling raw and exposed.

I’m going to throw up.

The fucked-up thing is, even after everything, I want him. Badly. When my gaze meets his again, the glint in those slate-gray eyes tells me he’s witnessed me checking him out, and a smirk kicks the corner of his mouth. I lick over my dry lips. I can almost taste him and the whiskey on his tongue. This is bad. So very, very bad.

He places his empty glass on the counter behind him and turns to look at me. With his eyes locked on mine, he runs his thumb over the corner of his mouth, and then he’s moving. But he doesn’t come my way. He walks right past me and heads toward the stairs, quickly glancing at me over his shoulder before making his way up. I clench my fists at my side. Frustration replaces the heat coursing inside me. Frustration that his reappearance in my life is making me question everything. Before I can think better of it, I make sure the coast is clear and take the stairs two at a time.

Oh ho ho.

His gaze drops between us, and he takes a deep breath. “When I saw you that day at Zach’s apartment, I noticed your daughter had a backpack with these characters on it. Then you posted the other week on your Instagram about how watching this show with your kids is your favorite part of your morning.” I blink at him. Okay. I wasn’t expecting any of that. I should be pissed that he’s been keeping tabs on me, but the blood filling my dick tells a different story. I open my mouth to respond, but he cuts me off. “I… I guess I wanted to be part of your favorite morning somehow.” He chews the corner of his mouth with his teeth. “All I know is I can’t stop thinking about you.”

I can’t stop thinking about you either. I can’t tell him that. I can’t let him know that since he has come back into my life, I’m suddenly off-kilter. I can’t go down this road again. I can’t let him in like I did before. I have my kids to think about now. They are my biggest priority. But I also can’t ignore the undeniable connection between us that’s still there. It’s tethered and frayed, but it’s still there, hanging on tight. All I know is tonight, I might be making the biggest mistake, but I can’t bring myself to care. So, I throw caution to the wind and worry about the consequences later and slam my lips against his.

He deepens the kiss, and there’s no way on earth I can stop the moan that escapes me. The edge of the vanity digs into my ass cheeks from the weight of his body pressing up against me, but I’m not going to complain. I don’t want to break this moment. Not when I’ve finally got Jackson in front of me. Not when I’ve finally got his lips on mine again. His body pressed against me, enveloping me in his heady scent.

“I’m so fucking confused.” “About what?” “You. Me. This.” He waves a hand between us. “I don’t want to want you again. I can’t risk falling into your hands only to get hurt, Hayden, because I barely survived the last time. I have my kids to think about now.” “I don’t want to hurt you,” I admit quietly. Quite the opposite, actually.

Oh, they are going to make me weepy, I know it.

Baby steps. “It took me a long time to realize that I had married Zara for the wrong reasons. Years, in fact. It was during one of my therapy sessions that I realized it had always been you, but I screwed up big-time. I needed to make sure that I wasn’t that same guy who broke your heart. I needed to work on myself to make sure I was worthy of you before I tried to reach out. The way I ended things with us wasn’t okay. I was scared and immature. I believed the negative voices in my head telling me you would be better off without me, but that’s no excuse for the way I treated you.” He stares at me, brows still slightly furrowed, but there’s a new emotion in his eyes. Empathy. His voice is soft when he asks, “And how long has that been? That you’ve been working on yourself before reaching out?” “Six years,” I manage, dropping my gaze to the floor. I can’t look at him when I tell him this. I can’t bear to see the pitying look on his face when he finally knows the truth. I can do this. “It was after Zara found me trying to end my life.”

“Cas,” he whispers, voice cracking. I dip my head again. Shame coats me like a shroud, like it always does every time I have to say those words out loud. I’m aware of Jackson standing up, but I’m not prepared for when he steps in front of me. His fingers grip my chin, and he angles my head up to face him. My eyes lock with his. “I’m glad you’re here,” he whispers with a shaky voice. “Really fucking glad.” My face goes hot. “Yeah?” “Yeah, I am.” His tongue darts out to swipe over his bottom lip, and then he takes a deep inhale. “I need time. I’m not saying no, but I can’t say yes right now either. It’s not just my life anymore, Cas. It’s Ryan and Isabela too. I’ve put them through so much fucking shit with the divorce and moving to Chicago that I can’t risk bringing any more chaos into their lives. Not that you would be chaos, but any new relationship would be a change for them. And I need to figure things out in here—” He taps his head, then his heart. “—and here first.”

😭😭😭

“Can I still speak to you?” A soft smile crosses his lips. “Yeah, you can. I’d be disappointed if you didn’t enlighten me further on random facts about jellyfish every morning.” I huff a laugh, suddenly feeling sheepish. “I hope you’ll tell me the story about them one day.” “Yeah. I will,” I say quietly, then let go of his wrist.

“This is iconic. I never would’ve guessed you’d come in Star Wars theme.” “It was my idea.” Carter grins, ignoring my sarcasm. “I can’t wait for him to be punching into my hyperspace later.” He wiggles his brows suggestively and thrusts his hips while Zach groans and drops his face into his palm. I choke on my drink, and the others burst into laughter. “Thanks for that visual,” I deadpan. “You’re welcome.” Carter beams.

💀💀💀

“You should have heard some of the things he was saying earlier about us,” Alex pipes up. He’s in a Pikachu onesie, similar to my costume, and Blaine has come as Ash from Pokémon. “It’s not my fault you come in such innuendo-worthy costumes,” Carter retorts. “You literally asked us if I smack my balls against Alex’s face and pretend to catch him,” Blaine points out. “And? I don’t see the problem with that.”

Excellent comment, Carter. Top tier.

My phone vibrates ten minutes later as the door to my hotel suite closes behind me. I slip it from my pocket, and my heart lurches at the sight of Jackson’s name on the screen. Jackson I meant what I said earlier. I’m glad you’re here, Cas. You’ve always been important to me. No matter what happens, I want you to remember that. I raise my hand, shielding the smile that threatens to split my face in two. I don’t think Jackson fully understands how much those words mean to me. Especially coming from him.

And like I told him, it’s not as simple as saying yes or no. My heart sings for him like it has for no other, but it’s bigger than the two of us now.

Zach is one of the quietest guys I’ve ever met, and often, he gets shit on the ice because of his size. He’s at least six foot six and weighs over two hundred and fifty pounds. Guys usually want to fight him because of it, but Zach doesn’t fight. Isabela refers to him as a gentle giant because he is exactly that.

“Did you see me out there?” he asks once he’s finished shaking his hair like a wet dog. “I sure did. You were on fire.” “I know! Fuck me sideways. I was like, bam, pow, kapow!” He mimics blocking shots with his glove and blocker. “I don’t even know how I haven’t let one in. I’m super impressed with myself. Five gold stars to me.” “Didn’t you tell them to get off your lawn at one point?” Kendrick chuckles, squirting water into his mouth. Elliot laughs. “Yeah. I mean, get outta my crease would’ve made more sense, but hey, same thing. The crease is my lawn, and they are not welcome on my lawn.”

No one speak to me when Elliot’s book appears.

“You’re doing a great job, Olsen.” Peyton slaps Elliot on the shoulder pad. “Keep up the good work, dude.” “Will do, Cappy.” “Yeah, don’t call me that.” “Why not? It has a cool ring to it. Captain Peyton. Cappy Peyton. Peyton Capybara.” Peyton slices his hand through the air. “Automatic veto. Denied. Rejected. Not a chance.” I snort a laugh, gaze bouncing between them. “Peyton Capybara. Wait until I tell the kids that.” Peyton whirls around, pinning me with a glare. “Don’t you dare. I want to be the cool uncle.”

🤣

I quickly pivot on my skates, clearing the neutral zone. Dallas’ defensemen are hot on me, but I skate up the right side and take another wrist shot. The puck sails into the top left corner, scoring the first goal of the game. “Thank fuck, Jackie!” Peyton hollers, crowding me against the boards. “I was gettin’ worried there, eh. Thought it was gonna be an overtimer.”

Jackie. Cutie nickname.

“Are you still feeling low about what we spoke about in Boston?” I ask. “Yeah.” He stops in front of a door that isn’t mine and lowers his voice. “Do you think I should talk to Blaine?” I think it over for a minute before I reply. Since Hayden’s and my relationship went up in flames over shit communication, I’ve always vowed that communication is a nonnegotiable. I had the same conversation with Zach when he and Carter were having problems at the beginning of their relationship. And obviously, Elliot’s relationship with his twin brother isn’t the same as mine and Hayden’s or Zach and Carter’s, but it still requires a level of communication surrounding emotions. And clearly, this change in their relationship since Blaine’s marriage is impacting Elliot on a much deeper level than he realizes. “Yeah, I do. He can’t make something right if he doesn’t know about it. He’s still very much in the honeymoon phase. Not that I think he and Alex will ever be out of the honeymoon phase because that’s just who they are, but you know what I mean. Having a husband is new to him. He’s navigating a new path in his life, and maybe he’s oblivious to how this is affecting you.” Elliot nods, a tired smile tipping his lips up. “Thanks, Jackson. You’re a really great friend.”

My face splits into a wide grin when I read Hayden’s text. Hayden You are fucking incredible, Jax. You watched the game? Hayden Of course I did. Game-winning goal, baby! You never cease to amaze me. I feel my face heat at his compliment.

I always wanted to impress you. Hayden Yeah? Yeah. I remember the first time I met you, and I thought, fuck, this guy is so hot. Hayden Do you still think I’m hot? Fishing for compliments? Hayden Always <fishing emoji> Yeah, I do. The gray hair suits you. Hayden <shocked emoji> I’m not going gray, fuck you very much. Aging like a fine wine. Hayden *Looks up the best anti-aging skincare* I’m kidding, but also not. You’re still hot, Cas. Hayden Seems we had the same thought because I thought you were the hottest guy I’d ever seen. Were? Ouch. Hayden Fishing for compliments, are we Jax? Okay, okay. You got me. Hayden Yeah, that’s what I thought. And yeah, the thought still stands. You’re still the hottest guy I’ve ever seen. But you won’t be if you don’t get some sleep. You’ve got an early flight tomorrow, and you know that altitude change is gonna kick your pretty peachy ass. Oh, coming for my ass now too? Hayden <zipped lips emoji> I’m not falling for that bait. I snort out a laugh into the pillow. Shit, my cheeks ache from grinning so hard. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed this until now.

😏

Stop. He’s going to go to Chicago.

“So, I’m gonna make some calls while you go get something to eat and take a nap. We’ll speak in a few hours.” There’s a long pause, and when he finally speaks again, gratitude is palpable in his voice. “Thank you, Cas. You still have the ability to stop me from getting stressed-out.” A grin spreads across my face. “Don’t thank me just yet.” He ends the call, and I change into jeans and a hoodie. I grab my laptop from the living room, putting it in my bag before going around and locking up the house. Then, I’m dialing the number to the private jet company I use as the door closes behind me.

😭😭😭

“Hayden?” I ask, raising my hand to rub the back of my neck. “What are you doing here?” He shrugs slightly. “You called, so I came.”

STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!!

I called because I needed comfort, and he was the first person who came to mind. “I… I didn’t call expecting you to fly all the way from California.” His confidence slips as he lets out a nervous laugh, shifting his duffel to his other hand. “Yeah, I know, but I want to help. I wasn’t doing anything, and I figured… why not. So let me help you. Let me be here for you.” I don’t know how much time passes as I stare at him. I can’t believe he did this. For me.

He LOVES you!!!

She doesn’t take her eyes off him as she nods. “I hear you like Bluey.” Hayden smiles. “Me too.” There’s a flash of excitement in her eyes before she shyly hides half of her face under her blanket. I grin, knowing the reason why Hayden likes Bluey lights something up inside me.

Ryan’s eyes flick back to Hayden. “You played hockey?” “Yeah, I did. I played in the pros for twelve years.” Ryan nods approvingly. “What position?” “Forward. Center.” “Me too. Well, I’m right wing, like my dad.” Ryan points to me, and the pride that blooms in my chest threatens to crack my ribs when he says, “I wanna be just like my dad when I grow up.” I ruffle his hair. “You will be better than me, bud. I promise you that.” “I always wanted to be like your dad too,” Hayden admits. My head snaps to him. “You did?” “Yeah, you were, and still are, magical out there. How many times have you won fastest skater at the All Stars? Pretty sure you’d still leave ’em for smoke if you did it now.” I dip my head, feeling my cheeks flame under his unexpected praise.

“What time have you gotta go?” Ryan asks. “In about twenty minutes.” His assessing eyes take in my ratty old T-shirt and sweatpants, and then he raises an eyebrow. “You’re going like that?” Hayden laughs. “I knew it. Your kid is awesome.” Ryan’s grin is sleepy. “Obviously, I’m not going like this.” I roll my eyes. “I was checking on you and your sister before I get ready.” “We’ll be okay, Dad. I’ll look after Iz.” “Hayden’s gonna look after you both.” His gaze goes to Hayden. “Can we watch the game later?” Hayden looks at me with questioning eyes. I give a small nod. “Yeah, of course we can. Your dad better bring home the W for us, right?” Ryan nods and looks back at me. “Yeah, you better win, Dad.” “Yeah, I will,” I say, and I have to bite back my smile from taking over my face.

“Jax, wait.” I stop in the middle of the hallway, coat halfway on, and turn around to face Hayden. He stands there holding out a plate. I take it from him, and a choked laugh escapes me when I see he’s made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the crusts cut off. My heart soars at the significance of a damn sandwich. “You remembered.” He nods softly. “I’ve never forgotten anything about you, Jax.” I press my lips together, emotion clogging in my throat.

I can’t handle this.

Fuck. I don’t know how I can resist him any longer. He dropped everything for me and flew across the country because he wanted to help me. He’s made me my favorite pregame snack, something he used to do for me all the time. The twin flames are burning bright again, and the pull to him is stronger than ever. Maybe it’ll be different this time. We’re older. Wiser. We’ve learned from our previous mistakes. Maybe before, it was the right person but the wrong time. But now… Maybe this time, it’ll be right, and we’ll have the kind of love story that’s in the books I read to my kids at night.

Yes. Yes it will be!

Bring back the win and continue to make your kids proud.” “And what about you?” I find myself asking. “What about me?” “Will I make you proud?” His eyes shine with so much adoration my breath hitches. “You’ve always made me proud, Jackson. You make me proud by simply being you.”

😭😭😭

“So, let me get this straight,” Zara says with a hint of amusement in her voice. “Jackson called you because he needed someone to talk to, and you took it upon yourself to call a plane and fly to Chicago so you could watch his kids?” I wasn’t quite sure what I was doing until I turned up on Jackson’s doorstep earlier. All I knew was I hated the sound of panic in his voice, and I wanted to take away his stress. I wasn’t thinking about how terrible I am with kids or how I can barely take care of myself when I’m sick, let alone two little humans. I haven’t even booked a hotel room for the night. I kinda acted and figured I’d think about it later. I’ve always been impulsive when it comes to Jackson. “Well, when you put it like that, it sounds kinda desperate, doesn’t it?” I groan.

“Maybe this was a mistake,” I mumble, running a hand down my face. “What if they need something and I can’t get up the stairs quick enough because I’m hurting?” She ignores my panic and focuses on the last part. “You’re in pain?” “Yeah. I had to cancel my session with Roberta and my trip to Seattle to see that ball player.” “Hayden,” she scolds. “If this was anyone but Jackson, I would be giving you so much shit right now. Please tell me you’ve taken your meds?” “Of course I have. I’m not that dumb.” She curses under her breath. “I swear, you stress me out so bad.” While I know she doesn’t mean it in a negative way, I can’t help but take it in that sense. I stressed her out with my pain. With my depression. I stressed her out to the point we got a divorce because I was too much to deal with. “I’m sorry,” I say, barely above a whisper. “Nope. Not doing that,” she snaps. “You know I don’t mean literally. I just worry about you.”

I glance around, not knowing what to do first. I pick up the TV remote with shaky hands and end up dropping it. There’s a light giggle, and I look up to see Isabela hiding her face behind her elephant. I can’t help but grin. Shit, I made her laugh. I made her laugh!

Yes you did, honey 🥹

She doesn’t take her eyes off me while she eats, and I can’t help but wonder what she’s thinking. Does she see all my flaws? Does she see that I’m pretty much shitting myself with anxiety because these two are the most important things to Jackson, and he’s the most important thing to me?

☹️

“Is Elliot your favorite?” I ask her. I already know the answer, but I’m trying to keep her comfortable. She looks at me out of the corner of her eye and nods ever so gently. “He’s fun.” I smile at her, and the corner of her lips tip up in a small smile.

Elliot is also my favorite.

“He’s always getting a penalty,” he tsks. “The dude doesn’t know how to be chill.” I bark out a laugh because being chill isn’t something that’s associated with Blaine Olsen. “It is one of Blaine’s worst traits.”

“Hey, Hayden. What’s your full name?” he asks, changing the subject. “Hayden Cassidy.” “I thought so.” He nods thoughtfully. “Dad has some of your hockey cards.” My eyebrows must skyrocket off my face with shock. “He does?” “Yeah, I wasn’t allowed to put them in my folder. I’ve been trying to collect all the seasons since the year I was born.” Well, fuck. Jackson’s kept some of my cards? To anyone else, it probably wouldn’t mean anything, but to me, it means everything. It means he’s still thought about me over the years. Thought of me enough to keep a piece of card for himself. I wonder where he keeps it. His bedside drawer, maybe? I have to hide my smile with my hand as the thought takes over.

AH!!! He has his CARDS!

“You have pictures,” Isabela says, voice barely audible. I glance down at where my tattoos are now visible. “Yeah, I have lots of pictures.” Her eyes light up with glee. “You like pictures?” She nods, and then Ryan answers. “She likes coloring them in. Ethan and Zach let her color in their tattoos because Dad doesn’t have any.” I look down at my arms. One sleeve is full color, whereas the other is black and gray, but there’s plenty there for her to fill in. “Do you want to color mine in?” I ask her. Wordlessly, she nods softly, then slides off the couch, still hugging her elephant tight to her chest. She doesn’t take her eyes off me as she walks around the couch and disappears down the hall, returning minutes later with a bag of markers. She climbs onto the couch next to me and unzips the bag, so I angle myself in the corner of the sectional, allowing her better access to my arm, and push my T-shirt sleeve up to my shoulder. “Have at it.” I grin.

Stop it.

The soft sounds of the TV filter down the hall from the living room, and my heart soars at the reminder Hayden’s actually here. I still can’t believe he came. Just rocked up with one thought in mind: helping me out. If there was a sign to tell me I needed to stop fighting this—whatever this is—between us, then him turning up on my doorstep during my time of need was it.

it’s the sight on the couch that has me stopping in my tracks. Hayden’s asleep on his back with Isabela curled into his side. Her head rests on his shoulder, and her elephant is tucked close under her chin. There’s a blanket over the two of them, and Ryan is fast asleep at the other end, his head tilting back against the cushions with his legs stretched out next to Hayden’s. Something swells in my chest at the sight of them. My kids are my everything. They are my entire world. And once upon a time, so was Hayden. Seeing him with them and how they must have been so comfortable with him to fall asleep… This means more to me than I can explain.

“Jax?” he croaks, sleepy gray eyes blinking up at me. “What time is it?” “Hey,” I whisper. “It’s just after eleven thirty. I’m gonna take Ryan upstairs, then I’ll come back for Isabela.” At the mention of her name, he glances down at where my daughter is snuggled up against him, and a gentle smile spreads across his lips. Guess she warmed up to him quicker than either of us expected.

“Would you like anything to eat?” he asks, turning his head to me. I step in close to him and breathe in his spicy cologne. “I can make you⁠—” I don’t let him finish. I cup his face with my hands and press my lips to his.

*squealing*

This isn’t frantic or desperate. I’m hungry for him, but in a way that I’m trying to tell him without words how much him being here means to me. Not just here in my house, taking care of my kids, but here. Literally. Living and breathing in my arms.

“Wow.” He lets out a ragged breath. His voice comes out in a whisper when he asks, “What was that for?” I loosen my hold, but I don’t drop my hands from his head. “I don’t want to fight this anymore, Cas,” I say, sweeping my thumb over his cheek.

“You’ve shown me how genuine you are about us. Like, fuck, Cas. You dropped everything and flew across the country to come take care of my kids without me even asking…” I shake my head. The back of my eyes sting with the magnitude of how much his actions mean to me. “Thank you.” His face softens. “I’ll do anything for you, Jackson. I know I don’t deserve it, but I⁠—” I quickly cut him off. “No, we’re not doing that. If we’re doing this, then this is a fresh start. What you did today means more to me than you’ll ever know.”