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November 10 - November 14, 2024
I desire a connection with depth. A touch that eclipses words. I need to be valued and fulfilled in a way that resonates deeply inside of me. I crave a genuine bond I can nurture without fear. Something worth sustaining. Worth the risk. I want romance that’ll sizzle. Fire that won’t burn out with the merest hint of a blow. Does that even exist? Will it ever grace my life?
When our souls go wild, sometimes the only thing we know how to do is bend the rules to experience the high that comes with it. Especially when the high feels pleasantly foreign. And so damn right.
“Healing means moving on. Healing means letting go.”
All that I’m forced to repress with Cianna is effortlessly maturing for Nyla. A testament to the fact that different individuals evoke various parts of you. Despite her insistence we are strangers, Nyla feels anything but unfamiliar to me.
Confirmation that when fate and desire collide, a multitude of opportunities expose themselves.
Our energies latch and I feel like I’m falling for her all over again. I’m holding on to another woman feeling warmth in my entire body, feeling complete to my core.
All I can think about is how I’ve lived my entire life with a desire to feel wanted. Finally, I feel that now and I can’t ignore what my heart feels for Nyla. What it doesn’t for Cianna.
“I’m not worried about him. I’m worried for him. I hate when he touches you. It releases something unrecognizable within me.”
Here’s the truth about my beliefs with time. It’s simple—I don’t believe time makes anything better. I think time offers us small periods to forget the pain and small windows that trigger us to remember what caused it. I despise when people say time heals everything. Because it doesn’t. You do not heal. You cope. You patch the pain with a band-aid. And it just makes it easier to pretend to forget it all.
Why she turned away from me and chose not to be my partner is a question that may forever remain unanswered.
And as difficult as it is to accept, I know one day, I will wake up and be okay with the uncertainty of our unraveling.
“We are overwhelming in such a beautiful way. Everything is so intense with you. You make me feel everything, all that I’ve guarded myself from. I know barriers exist between us, but I won’t let anything stop me from being with you. From seeing what this could be.”
“You’ve exposed me to what I could never put into words until meeting you, Ny. Something deep. Something magnetizing. You’ve shown me I shouldn’t have to fight to be seen. I shouldn’t have to fight to feel valued or wanted.” I nod my head. “With you, I don’t have to fight. I don’t have to question a damn thing. You see me, Nyla. You have acknowledged me, just as I am. Broken inside, doing my best to look intact on the outside.” My nose flares as my teeth pierces the inside of my cheek. I back away with a step. “I never asked for this shit. But I thank God for it. For you. I won’t let a thing
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This is the part where my world unfolds. This is the part where promises just made are quickly broken. This is the part where my questions get answered. This is the part where I realize no matter how hurt you are, there’s always something out there to top that hurt.
Things are starting to make sense. Well, not in actual sense, but I’m putting things together and while I’m trying to puzzle everything, my heart feels like it’s being struck with a hammer. I can now add something else to the list of all things that have destroyed me in life. Betrayal. Somehow this feels crueler than rejection.
My mind goes back to a place that feels warm and soothing like chamomile tea, inviting like acceptance, fulfilling like reciprocated desire and so much more.
“I’m human, Nyla. Asking for honesty doesn’t dismiss the fact the truth might still hurt.”
The world slows down and suddenly feels unreal. Am I dreaming? Possibly. Because right now reality feels like a nightmare on elm street.
