The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance – What Women Should Know

by Katty Kay

In the most basic terms, what we need to do is start acting and risking and failing, and stop mumbling and apologizing and prevaricating.

Women are so keen to get everything just right that we are terrified of getting something wrong.

Women who have reached admirable heights have not always erased the nagging feeling that they might be unmasked as incompetent pretenders.

With diligent effort, we can all choose to expand our confidence. But we will get there only if we stop trying to be perfect and start being prepared to fail.

Confidence is the purity of action produced by a mind free of doubt.

The propensity to dwell on failure and mistakes, and an inability to shut out the outside world are, in his mind, the biggest psychological impediments for his female players, and they directly affect performance and confidence on the court.

overthinking, people pleasing, and an inability to let go of defeats—three traits we had already realized belonged on a confidence blacklist.

It’s all such a waste of time and energy, these bouts of self-doubt we all engage in. Why do we do it?

The kicker is that a man in a room with mostly women talks just as much as he always does.

A hesitation. It’s a fear of failure, perhaps. Or a desire to do it perfectly. Perhaps it’s the result of habits formed over decades as the top student.

essentially, women feel confident only when we are perfect. Or practically perfect.

Underqualified and underprepared men don’t think twice about leaning in. Overqualified and overprepared, too many women still hold back.

constantly defining yourself through other people’s achievements is chasing fool’s gold.

confidence isn’t even close to all in your head. Indeed, you have to get out of your head to create it and to use it.

Confidence is linked to doing. We were convinced that one of the essential ingredients in confidence is action, that belief that we can succeed at things, or make them happen.

“Confidence is the stuff that turns thoughts into action.”

better to believe a bit too much in your capabilities than is called for, because then you lean toward doing things instead of just thinking about doing them.

Our memories, conscious or not, are informing what we decide to do next.

we pay a heavy social and even professional penalty when we act as aggressively as men do.

“When a man walks into a room, they’re assumed to be competent until they prove otherwise.” For women, she says, it’s the other way around.

Our own obsession with our physical appearance drains our confidence.

Unlike our male colleagues, women often would rather be liked than respected, which makes it harder for us to shoulder those tough workplace negotiations.

Women spend far too much time undermining themselves with tortured cycles of useless self-recrimination.

women have an instinct to dwell on problems rather than solutions:

Our intensive capacity for brooding, she maintained, can put us at risk of anxiety and depression.

perfectionism keeps us from action.

How often in life do we avoid doing something because we think we’ll fail? Is failure really worse than doing nothing? And how often might we actually have triumphed if we had just decided to give it a try?

Even if you make the wrong decision, she says, decide. It’s better than inaction.

Simply put, a woman’s brain is not her friend when it comes to confidence.

It’s the mental exercise of taking the time to create another explanation that can lessen the potency of the first thought. Eventually, reframing becomes a habit.

we do not mean you should unleash perfectionism. Think “good enough” as you conquer new frontiers.)

the people who succeed aren’t always naturals. They are doers.

“Say it with confidence, because if you don’t sound confident, why will anybody believe what you say?”

lack of sleep and exercise produces an extremely anxious brain. (We’ve tested and retested the theory, and there’s no getting around it.) And being close to our friends boosts our oxytocin levels.

not only does faking it not work as a confidence booster, but it almost certainly makes us feel less secure, because knowingly masquerading as something we’re not makes us anxious.

Don’t pretend to be anything or anyone—simply take action. Do one small brave thing, and then the next one will be easier, and soon confidence will flow.

Teaching a child to accept and even embrace struggle, rather than shy away from it, is a crucial step along the path toward instilling confidence. You are showing the child that it’s possible to make progress without being perfect.

Perfection is the enemy of the good. It’s also the enemy of confidence.

Do you have to be a jerk to be confident? No, thankfully.

expressing some vulnerability can be a strength, especially when it connects you to others. Dwelling on insecurities, and basking in self-doubt is not.

findings of a recent Stanford University study: Female members of Congress get significantly more legislation passed than do the men, and work more often with members of the other party.

When confidence emanates from our core, we are at our most powerful.

The Japanese word for purpose literally translates as ‘that which I wake up for.’ I think that’s it.”