The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance – What Women Should Know

by Katty Kay

Gaining confidence means getting outside your comfort zone, experiencing setbacks, and, with determination, picking yourself up again.

Failure is an inevitable result of risk taking, and it’s essential for building resilience.

Asians are all about grit, the hot new term in positive psychology circles for persistence and tolerance for hardship. In Japanese they even have a word for it—gaman. Roughly translated it means “keep trying,” and it gets plenty of use.

Carol Dweck

Confidence requires a growth mind-set because believing that skills can be learned leads to doing new things. It encourages risk, and it supports resilience when we fail. Dweck has found that a growth mind-set especially correlates with higher levels of confidence for adolescent girls.

I realize now from all the research we’ve done that the only way to get the confidence I need would be to give it a try. And Dweck’s work allows me to see this as a skill set to develop rather than one I innately have or don’t have.”

The trick is to recognize that the next level up might be hard, that you might be nervous, but not to let those nerves stop you from acting.

“No one ever thinks they’re born a leader, that this or that leadership position is perfect for them. It is always a stretch. We should just encourage young women to stretch more.”

The earlier you learn to take the risk of standing out, the easier it will be to stand up for yourself in a tense negotiation, demand the high-profile assignment that your male colleague will otherwise grab, or do all the other things that don’t fit with the stereotype of a docile, good girl.

“Confidence comes from stepping out of your comfort zone and working toward goals that come from your own values and needs, goals that aren’t determined by society.”

Listen more, talk less.”)

These ambitious women have taken a risk in exposing their weaknesses, but it definitely hasn’t kept them from succeeding; indeed it may well be part of the reason for their success: They are brave enough to be not only different, but to be themselves.

Refer to the article in the HBR about being yourself but with skill.

we have the power to recalibrate our confidence compass, and with it, our perceptions and our appetite for risk.

If we can embrace failure as forward progress, then we can spend time on the other critical confidence skill: mastery.

We would do well to remember that it’s not the strongest species that survives in the long run—it’s the one that is the most adaptable.

By contrast, living in a zone where you’re assured of the outcome can turn flat and dreary quickly. Action separates the timid from the bold.

If you aren’t confident asking for a promotion, practice making the case on a trusted friend; give her five ways you’ve helped the department. Small steps prepare you for taking more meaningful risks. It’s called the exposure technique.

The ability to make decisions big and small, in a timely fashion, and take responsibility for them, is a critical expression of confidence, and also leadership, according to all of our most confident women.

Even if you make the wrong decision, she says, decide. It’s better than inaction.

Do it, learn, and move on.

Another reminder that the people who succeed aren’t always naturals. They are doers.

Here’s the wonderful advice Peterson gave shortly before he died: “Say it with confidence, because if you don’t sound confident, why will anybody believe what you say?”

Micro-Confidence—Dos and a Don’t

Reality: Bosses clearly think employee is enormously valuable. She can easily ask for a promotion. In her head: She shouldn’t ask, or she might be fired.

Doing, working, deciding and mastering are gender neutral. But we’ve come to see that even when confidence is fully expressed, the style and behavior of that expression does not have to be a factory-built, generic display.

Indeed, we have to be heard, and we have to act, if we want to lead. Our instincts, if we can locate them, will help us greatly. We need to start trusting our gut.

It’s all about developing the confidence to do it my own way.”

A recent Stanford Business School study shows that women who can combine male and female qualities do better than everyone else, even the men. How do they define the male qualities? Aggression, assertiveness, and confidence. The feminine qualities? Collaboration, process orientation, persuasion, humility.

Confidence, and success, comes from playing to your distinctive strengths and values.

Dare the difference. That we like. “You have to be savvy about it,” Lagarde allows, “but you also, in a sense, have to be confident about the difference.”

Think Less. Take Action. Be Authentic.