The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance – What Women Should Know

by Katty Kay

Too many of the fantastically capable women we met and spoke with seemed to lack a certain boldness, a firm faith in their abilities.

But, if we don’t take risks, we’ll never reach the next level.

Confidence is the purity of action produced by a mind free of doubt.

We want to be completely on top of everything and we want to understand it all and we don’t want to be fooled by somebody else.”

I need to practice being overprepared. That'll definitely help my confidence.

Perfectionism was very much on our growing list of confidence killers

I think since I don't always prepare how I should, for me perfectionism would be good. I need to be a little more type A.

I’ve always said that we should not try to imitate the boys in everything they do.”

I should still be me, just more confident.

Half of the women reported feelings of self-doubt about their performance and careers, while less than a third of male respondents reported self-doubt.

What in our culture encourages men to be their best selves, but tells women they aren't good enough? I think it is the generalization of women are the listeners and carers, and men are the ones ones who are supposed to get the fancy, high paying jobs. Those generalizations don't have to be bad but we have to bee more than just that.

I actually have always sat at the front of the room. Maybe I have a bit of confidence within me? How do I bring it to the forefront?

Do men doubt themselves sometimes? Of course. But they don’t examine those doubts in such excruciating detail, and they certainly don’t let those doubts stop them as often as women do.

women will hesitate at key moments,”

When people are confident, when they think they are good at something, regardless of how good they actually are, they display a lot of nonverbal and verbal behavior,”

He mentioned their expansive body language, their lower vocal tone, and a tendency to speak early and often in a calm, relaxed manner.

Having talent isn’t merely about being competent; confidence is actually a part of that talent. You have to have it to be good at your job.

She told us that good leadership means being an efficient decision maker, and she doesn’t tolerate indecision in others.

I need to be more decisive in what I do. I'm always doubting whether I'm making the right choice and constantly go back and forth between choices.

The resonance of mastery is in the process and progress. It is about work, and learning to develop an appetite for challenge. Mastery inevitably means encountering hurdles; you won’t always overcome them, but you won’t let them stop you from trying.

What matters is that mastering one thing gives you the confidence to try something else.

I need to learn to master something for my own confidence boost. I'll have tho think about what, i think coding since i want to teach young girls that.

Self-esteem is what allows us to believe that we are lovable, that we have value as human beings.

I struggle with this.

Winston Churchill put the difference memorably: “A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”

I definitely struggle with this even though i am for all intents and purposes a cheerful person. What a paradox.

“Optimism is the sense that everything will work out,” she says. “Confidence is, ‘I can make this thing work.’ ”

Self-compassion dictates that we treat ourselves as we treat our friends.

Self-compassion: yet another skill I need to work on. I am very harsh on myself.

In our success-oriented world, we tend to think of failure as abnormal.

Neff patiently explained that far from being in conflict with confidence, or encouraging sloth-like behavior, self-compassion drives confidence—allowing us to take the very risks that build it. It is a safety net that actually enables us to try for more and even harder things. It increases motivation because it cushions failure.

In other words, try hard, become good at something, and develop self-efficacy—a belief that you can succeed.

Confidence occurs when the insidious self-perception that you aren’t able is trumped by the stark reality of your achievements.

Confidence is linked to doing. We were convinced that one of the essential ingredients in confidence is action, that belief that we can succeed at things, or make them happen.

“Confidence is the stuff that turns thoughts into action.”

The natural result of under-confidence is inaction. When women don’t act, when we hesitate because we aren’t sure, even by skipping a few questions, we hold ourselves back. It matters. But when we do act, even when we’re forced to act, to answer those questions, we do just as well as men.

One little nudge asking us how sure we are about something rattles our world, while with men, it seems to just remind them that they’re terrific.

Don't let negativity affect what I can or cannot do. This would've been helpful when applying to teaching jobs. I have a teaching license. I should be worthy.

Courage though, can be a critical partner to confidence, especially in situations where we are operating without the benefit of a confidence reserve, and we need to take those first, terrifying steps in order to start building it.

In other words—better to believe a bit too much in your capabilities than is called for, because then you lean toward doing things instead of just thinking about doing them.

We recognized an encouraging power in the concept of confidence as action, which, when taken, sows and reaps more of the same.

Confidence involves both emotion and cognition. Indeed it has a metacognitive component, because it involves our knowledge about our brain at work. In other words, it’s not simply about whether we can do a task, but whether we assess ourselves to be capable of doing that task.

well. So, life choices do matter, as much as, if not more than, what we’re born with.

Plasticity is the cornerstone of the idea that confidence is a choice we can all make. If we can permanently alter our brain makeup, then even those people born with less genetic confidence can develop permanent, solid confidence with the right training.

Elliott told us that cognitive behavioral therapy, a technique developed to help individuals create new thought patterns, is the most effective approach to making specific behavioral changes, but some of the most dramatic examples of a change in the brain’s function and structure have involved basic meditation.

Need to sign up for therapy, specifically CBT therapy, to help deal within my anxious thoughts like Rohit has suggested a lot. Also need to get back into meditation since it really did help.

Our memories, conscious or not, are informing what we decide to do next.

Ignore the bad, focus on the good. Make a conscious effort to remember good things.

We can’t fully control the experiences that will eventually become searing and unconscious memories. But just knowing how heavily our unconscious memory can weigh on future action means we have to build up plenty of positive alternatives, because they will matter.