Not Safe for Work

by Nisha J. Tuli

We spend the next hour debating and discussing. Evan cuts me off at least half a dozen times and takes credit for three of my suggestions. The other two don’t even flinch. After we confirm our solution,

“I said that wrong. What I meant was it’s hard to believe you’re an introvert because you shine in every room you enter.”

“There’s nothing unmissable about you. That’s all I meant. That there isn’t anywhere you could go where everyone wouldn’t notice you.” This is what he thinks? “And I’m apologizing for every idiot who has ever treated you that way.”

“Rafe, why did you draw me?” I whisper. The silence drags on so long that I don’t think he’ll answer, but then he says, “Because I draw things that are beautiful to me.” Inhaling a shaky breath, my hand slides to his chest, where I feel his heart beating in a steady, soothing rhythm. “Thank you,” I reply. For the way he’s holding me. For calling me beautiful. For making me feel safe in this moment.

Rafe moves closer, his lips so close to my ear that I can feel his heat and smell his skin. I reciprocate, standing up on my toes as I take my turn. “I think your drawings are the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen, and I had no idea you were capable of such… depth. You are bold and confident and have this way with people that makes them feel important, and I think someone must have told you that your art wasn’t special because how could you think it was anything but extraordinary?”

and worship it.” My heart stops. Literally stops. I hold my own funeral on the floor of a hotel ballroom covered in threadbare carpet, hideously patterned to hide a decade of coffee stains.

“I had to get good,” she says. “More deals are done out here than inside the walls of any boardroom.” I know it’s true, but I hate hearing it. It’s just another barrier standing in my way.

She guns the cart as we bump over the fairway. “I was also very interested in your test scores. Did you know that in a room of a hundred respondents, you are the only one who scored ‘listener’ as a leadership style?”

“As a woman of color, you’ll face even more scrutiny.” I draw my eyebrows together, surprised at her bluntness. “I know people who look like me prefer not to say these things out loud, but it’s true. And I realize that’s unfair, but you can’t overcome obstacles if you don’t acknowledge the doors standing in your way.”

Diane sweeps her pale blue eyes over me. “This is the way the world is, Trishara. You have to learn to pick your battles. Be a lion when it comes to business as you did with David and his son, but if you want to get where I am, you learn to smile, bear it, and look the other way when it comes to the other stuff. They’ll never respect you for that.” Her words thud to the bottom of my heart with an echo. “But don’t you want to make it better for the next generation? Don’t you want to change things so the women who come after you don’t have to put up with this?”

“That sounds nice in theory, but things don’t change, Trishara. You need to grow the thickest skin of all to succeed in this business.” I hate her words and these sentiments. None of this feels right. Is she truly just resigned to all of it? I shouldn’t judge her until I’ve been in her shoes. Still, she’s recommending me for the training program, and maybe she’s wrong. Maybe I can follow in her footsteps and try to change something for the better.

As she watches me, I understand this is my moment to decide. Who will I be? What will my future look like? Do I do as I’m told, shut up, sit down, pretend like nothing happened? Do I secure a spot in the training program and try to salvage this career? Or is it truly a lost cause? No. I can’t do this. I can’t pretend I’m okay with any of this. Diane isn’t the woman I thought, and I can’t have my soul whittled away any further. “I don’t think so,” I say. “You can take the training program and fuck off. Both of you.”

Hannah’s presence sucked up all of my tears, but my face is still flushed, and my makeup is still a mess. I turn to the mirror and try to clean up. “Yeah, some asshole made a pass at me.” Hannah tuts and places a hand on a slender hip. “Hmm. I guess you’re pretty for an Indian girl.”

Please consider this letter my formal resignation from the position of senior engineer at WMC, effective immediately. I do so without regret, nor am I leaving to pursue other opportunities. I do not wish you the best in the future, and I don’t want to keep in touch to discuss potential opportunities. Lose my number. You’ve stolen five years of my life, and I am done. Today, Paul Stuart propositioned me and said that if I had sex with him, he’d concede to voting for me for the executive training program. Diane Hart witnessed this scene and told me to look the other way. If this is how your executive team behaves, you don’t deserve me or any of the loyal, hardworking employees at this company. For five years, I have endured sexist comments and behavior, as well as countless racial microaggressions. I’ve continued to look the other way, and that was a mistake. Today, I will be silent no more.

I open it to discover a significant sum has been deposited into my account from WMC. I show Molly, and she cackles. “Blackmail looks good on you, Tris.”

“Tris, you are the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. You challenge me. You understand me in a way no one else ever has. You make me laugh, and you make me feel things I’ve never felt before. And even if you send me away, it will be worth it because then, at least, I’ll have finally told you that I love you.”

Then he winks. “With you, I’m always a million out of ten.”