Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine

by Gail Honeyman

WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME what I do – taxi drivers, dental hygienists – I tell them I work in an office. In almost nine years, no one’s ever asked what kind of office, or what sort of job I do there.

I do exist, don’t I? It often feels as if I’m not here, that I’m a figment of my own imagination.

AT THE OFFICE, THERE was that palpable sense of Friday joy, everyone colluding with the lie that somehow the weekend would be amazing and that, next week, work would be different, better. They never learn.

felt this

I feel sorry for beautiful people. Beauty, from the moment you possess it, is already slipping away, ephemeral.

That must be difficult. Always having to prove that there’s more to you, wanting people to see beneath the surface, to be loved for yourself,

Did men ever look in the mirror, I wondered, and find themselves wanting in deeply fundamental ways? When they opened a newspaper or watched a film, were they presented with nothing but exceptionally handsome young men, and did this make them feel intimidated, inferior, because they were not as young, not as handsome? Did they then read newspaper articles ridiculing those same handsome men if they gained weight or wore something unflattering?

i think about this all the time

‘Sounds like somebody had a bad experience in Santa’s grotto back in the day,’ said Billy, and then, thankfully, the phone rang. I smiled sadly. He couldn’t even begin to imagine the sort of bad experiences I’d had, back in the day.

☹️

It was a mild, pleasant evening, so we decided to walk to the hospital, which would take only twenty minutes. Raymond was certainly in need of the exercise.

this entire book is eleanor dragging raymond to FILTH plssss hahhahahah

Raymond high-fived him, after some initial awkwardness whereby Sammy had no idea why a podgy hand had been thrust in his face.

weak people, fear solitude. What they fail to understand is that there’s something very liberating about it; once you realize that you don’t need anyone, you can take care of yourself.

‘I thought I’d found the perfect person for me,’ he said, staring at the back of the garden. ‘Didn’t work out, though.’ ‘Why not?’ I said, although I could, in fact, think of many reasons why someone might not want to be with Raymond.

ELEANOR

I watched Raymond shuffle off. If he would only stand up straight, and shave!

i’m howling

Although it’s good to try new things and to keep an open mind, it’s also extremely important to stay true to who you really are. I read that in a magazine at the hairdressers.

but he was a man who was extremely resistant to routine (something that shouldn’t have surprised me). One day, he emailed me less than twenty-four hours after we’d met, to invite me for lunch again the very next day.

Dear R, I’d be delighted to meet you for lunch again, but am somewhat perplexed due to the proximity to our previous meeting. Is everything in order? Regards, E

I felt like a newly laid egg, all swishy and gloopy inside, and so fragile that the slightest pressure could break me.

We compromised with some improbably named ‘kitten heels’, which, contrary to what one might think, had nothing to do with cats. They were heels which were easy to walk in, but which were, nonetheless ‘very feminine’.

Grief is the price we pay for love, so they say. The price is far too high.

ugh

WTF Eleanor – didn’t know you were into that stuff? Not really my thing, TBH, but I’ll come along with you – it’s ages since I’ve been to a gig. Have you got tix? Why, oh why, could he not type in full and proper English sentences?

I had almost become inured to his illiterate way of communicating by the end of this exchange. It’s both good and bad, how humans can learn to tolerate pretty much anything, if they have to.

illiterate way of communicating 💀

There have been times when I felt that I might die of loneliness. People sometimes say they might die of boredom, that they’re dying for a cup of tea, but for me, dying of loneliness is not hyperbole.

cryin

People don’t like these facts, but I can’t help that. If someone asks you how you are, you are meant to say FINE. You are not meant to say that you cried yourself to sleep last night

😤

These days, loneliness is the new cancer – a shameful, embarrassing thing, brought upon yourself in some obscure way. A fearful, incurable thing, so horrifying that you dare not mention it; other people don’t want to hear the word spoken aloud for fear that they might too be afflicted,

‘What happened?’ I asked him. ‘Why are you in my house?’ He came into the room and stood at my feet. ‘Don’t worry. You’re going to be fine.’ I closed my eyes. Neither phrase answered my questions; neither was what I wanted to hear.

stop it rn

I wondered if that’s what it would be like in a family – if you had parents, or a sister, say, who would be there, no matter what. It wasn’t that you could take them for granted, as such – heaven knows, nothing can be taken for granted in this life – it was simply that you would know, almost unthinkingly, that they’d be there if you needed them, no matter how bad things got.

I stared at my hands. It was difficult, talking openly about these things, dragging them out for inspection when they’d been perfectly fine as they were, hidden away.

felt this

Eleanor—’ He shook his head, unable to find the words. ‘In the end, what matters is this: I survived.’ I gave him a very small smile. ‘I survived, Raymond!’ I said, knowing that I was both lucky and unlucky, and grateful for it.