Audre & Bash Are Just Friends

by Tia Williams

“Sparrow, there’s someone out there dying to love you. Don’t ‘fix’ yourself before they get a chance to fall for the real you.”

And I don’t believe in being mean.” He paused and thought about this for a moment, fingering his thin, silver necklace. “Meanness is too easy. People think being mean makes them seem edgy or unique. Kindness is more radical.”

“Everything changes. Nothing’ll be the same a year from now. But my tats will. They’re like reminders of things I loved once. Even just for a day.”

She ran before the tears spilled. Before she revealed anything about herself that she’d regret.

Besides, the unreal combination of her beauty, boldness, and (accidental?) meanness turned him into an idiot.

And, because there were a zillion clocks in Just Because, and he watched them obsessively—he knew that it had taken seven minutes to say yes to Audre.

“Listen, I hate you feeling insecure. I’m so proud of you! You’re the one thing in my life that I don’t have to worry about.” Amazing, thought Audre. So glad I can make your life easier. Ever heard of golden child syndrome, Mom? How about parentified child syndrome? Well, I have both. It’s an adultlike need to always be perfect. To never be a problem. To not cause chaos. To parent your actual parents. And guess what, Mom? When kids live under that kind of pressure, they usually end up suffering a mental breakdown, an ulcer, or both. So, thanks for that.

“I guess I’m fascinated by what lies beneath. Some philosopher said that unless you deal with your unconscious mind, it’ll direct your life and you’ll call it destiny.”

“You’re changing the subject.” “Maybe. But also, I really want to hear your speech. You need someone to be proud of you. I’ll be proud.”

What about what I want, thought Audre. Or what I need? I’m a whole person with a life, not an extension of you or one of the problems you have to juggle. It would be out of line to say this to Mom. But apparently today she was out of line.

It’s hard enough pretending that everything about you doesn’t throw me off! Your brain, your perfume, your bravery, even your arrogance. Especially your arrogance. And your crazy-beautiful skin and lashes and dimples that all blur together into an explosion of cute every time you smile. You have to stop saying it, because I’m just a guy, and my poker face is trash, and you’re fucking up my brain… and I momentarily forget that I shouldn’t be thinking of you as anything but a friend. And we’re becoming really good friends. And that it’s safer for you if we stay friends only.

“Right, and it was just a dare,” said Bash, wanting to save Audre from embarrassment. “We’re not, like, trying to find mutual pleasure at Target.” “Who dildo-dared you?” “Reshma Wells,” she sighed. Wilder burst out laughing. “Okay, see, that tracks.”

Success is what you decide it is, for you and you only-it’s tacky to force your idea of happiness onto someone else. So play the accordion like no one’s watching.

It was true, but she’d never actually said that out loud, to anyone. Is this what it felt like to be seen? To be understood without words? A warm, potent feeling surged through her. She quickly squeezed her eyes shut and opened them again, trying to chase away this sensation.

“He saw something that you don’t show anyone. It was a privilege that he ever got to be that close to you. To see you like that. Why didn’t he make you feel better? Try to help, or comfort you, whatever. Why wasn’t he good to you? You deserve that. And now you’ll always remember your prom like that. I wish I could correct all your bad memories, Audre. Erase them and give you better ones. If I see him again, I fucking promise you, if I see him…”

“Do you have to be getting an A-plus in life for her to love you?” “I don’t know. I’ve never not gotten an A-plus in life,” she said honestly. “Until now.” “Until me.” No. She couldn’t have Bash thinking that tonight’s blowup was his fault. This was about her and her mom, and years of a codependent relationship that functioned beautifully when Audre was at her mom’s service but imploded when she went her own way.

“I don’t want to be friends,” said Bash. Audre shut her eyes. The air went out of her, like she’d just absorbed a vicious punch to the stomach. “Why.” She said it like a statement, not a question. “You don’t understand what I’m saying. I can’t just be friends with you. I can’t kiss you without wanting to do it all the time. I can’t talk to you without wanting you forever. And if I hurt you, I’d never forgive myself. That’s why I need to go.” The connection went dead.

never didn’t know,” she responded, trying to steady her breathing. “But I remember my big sexual awakening. I had a massive crush on the lady elves in Lord of the Rings. They rode on these beautiful horses, and ate delicious salads, and lived in forests with waterfalls. They were so at one with the earth.” She didn’t even realize how Clio figured into this description. “But I didn’t want to be one. I wanted to marry one.”

You can’t un-ring a bell. And you can’t un-know the truth. So don’t chase it down if you’re not ready to face it.

Audre wondered who she might’ve been if she hadn’t been such a perfection addict. Who knows?

Maybe she wouldn’t be the kind of girl who freaks out about taking chances.

Bash wasn’t supposed to put down roots. To find a best friend who was also infuriatingly pretty. A girl who was his first thought in the morning and his last before drifting off to sleep. A girl who ignited his brain and his heart. He’d only known her for a little over a month, but Audre Mercy-Moore had become essential to his life. It was terrifying.

“But I was wrong. I was so stupid, Audre. I’m sorry I hurt you. I was just scared of… feeling too much.” He took a breath. “So, yeah, I ran. The way I used to run—sprinting so fast it was like I could warp time.” He stopped, regulating his breathing a bit. “I used to wonder why I was born with this talent. Like, what for? Maybe this is why.” She looked up at him. “What do you mean?” Bash peered down at his feet for a moment, trying to collect his thoughts. “Maybe every run before this one was practice. So that I could be fast enough to catch you before you went home.”

I had a few girlfriends. But all genders have had crushes on me, and honestly? Vice versa. To me, attraction isn’t about gender. Who I vibe with is just… who I vibe with. It’s who I’ve always been.”

“I don’t want to think about anything,” she whispered. “Then don’t. No one knows where we are right now. It’s just you and me.”

“Am I crazy, or was that… you, tattooing me… the hottest thing that’s ever happened.” “Why do you think I’ve been fantasizing about it?” His voice was a low rumble.

“You are a warrior, Mom. It’s like a flaming baton was passed down from mother to daughter, mother to daughter, and when it got to you, you blew it out. That’s your gift to me, and Baby Alice, and everyone who comes after us.”

The advice she’d given was logical. But it was also bullshit. Because there was nothing logical about falling for someone. It was sloppy, thirsty, embarrassing, uncool, irrational. All this time, she’d basically been advising people to put out a four-alarm fire with a water gun.

making the ‘right’ choices doesn’t guarantee you a happy ending. So, follow your own path. Take chances, be wild, make mistakes, get messy, be colorful. Be true to whoever you are.”

“I need to tell you something. But I can’t focus if you… when you’re close to me. You smell so good and look so pretty and you’re… so… so beautiful it hurts. You gotta sit over there.”

With that, it was official. Bash and Audre were definitely, absolutely, not just friends.