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Superfoods were the freaking worst.
was wrapped up tighter than Jason Momoa in size-small Spanx.
"Does that look like the lovechild of Zac and Chris?"
gotten lost in a world where an awkward college girl seduces her professor.
I even lit a candle that smelled like fresh apple pie.
I thought watches were the ultimate accessory. Sexy and functional? Yes please.
when Frankie Underwood would inevitably lure me to a sex dungeon and make a coat out of my skin.
I had worse problems than Aztec skin cocoons, though.
“Pink Ocelot,
Not in a Matthew Caldwell flaming penis way.
Damn, Raven Black, you saucy mistress.
Are you trying to steal a strand of my hair so you can make a Polyjuice potion?” “You’re a Harry Potter fan?” I asked. He really is my soulmate.
That reminds me of this book I read where this girl was having sex with her teacher and kept calling him Professor Hunter.”
I triple-checked the lock on the door to make sure Homeless Rutherford wouldn’t break in and lick all my beautiful shoes.
“Oh my God. Just bang Matthew Caldwell already and get it over with.” “He’s married.”
“Six months ago.”
And yes, I know that’s three halves.
Midtown Pudding Place? It’s amazing.”
I winked and aimed some finger guns at him. What in the ever-living hell is wrong with me?
We’re gonna bag you a billionaire vampire werewolf sex god.”
Playing a Player.
molly-whopped by a fake dong.
Fucking Nora.
I was a horrible sexual deviant!
I grabbed my purse and my deviled eggs and ran out of the restaurant.
Somalia last May
horrors of head lice and wanted to be proactive.”
real people pants.
Single Girl Rule #28: All girls should try at least one threesome. You’ll need to try it eventually.
“Excellent. Enjoy your sauna. If you’d like a lemonade or a sausage, just order through the app.” A lemonade or a sausage? What the actual fuck?
“He’s finally gonna bend you over his desk.”
“That must have been a disaster since horses can’t climb down stairs very well. #HorseFacts,”
“No. Why would we have two headliners? We aren’t throwing a music festival - we’re having a launch party.”
Because seeing how closely he resembled Liam Neeson immediately gave me hope that we would find her. And also hope that he would kill everyone involved in a totally epic action sequence and then say some badass line to make the kidnappers look like a bunch of little bitches.
to keep his mind off the departure of our recent houseguest.”
“Maybe they’re apology roses from Homeless Rutherford for always licking our pizza?”
“Then why would you want some inexperienced loser poking around your lady pipes?”
How can I tell them that I forgot how mouths work?
“There’s a rumor that James Hunter is the founder, but I’m not sure I buy that.”
Penny Hunter was basically my idol.
“Did you seriously get a secret bookshelf door and not tell me about it?” asked Madison. “I thought we’d promised each other that if we ever got one, we’d both install them at the same time.”
“Thanks for the closet full of clothes, big boy.”
“Yeah…I’m not going to do that.”
guy always being busy hanging out with his wife.”
the love of his life in every other text and gushing about how he was happier than he’d ever been in his whole life.”
Did he just refer to my breasts as udders?
“Shoe please.”
Would we have shaken hands? Hugged? Bowed?
