In my defense, liking people that way was easy and calm, and I wanted easy and calm. I wanted simple and drama-free and steady. Now, I’m wondering if I ever wanted that, or if I thought it would make me happy as a contrast to how torn up I always am about my other life stressors. I thought the balance to being in a constant state of anxiety was peace; but what if it’s chaos? Not fighting my own chaos or trying to tamp down my emotions, but leaning into it until I’m yelling and he’s yelling and honestly, it’s hot. Maybe liking someone should be this caustic, a long, slow, silent death.
