Cackle

by Rachel Harrison

You never realize how special it is to share a random inside joke until something funny happens and you have no one to tell. Then you realize how much of your life fades away without a witness.

“Fate is just another invention to trick us into complacency. Inaction. If one assumes that they cannot change their circumstances, they won’t try.

emotions become . . . less and less over time. I feel things. And at times, I feel them intensely. But there’s a perspective that comes with age. It’s all fleeting. I savor the joy. The sadness, I let it pass.

It’s astonishing how normal it is to love a creature you’re not supposed to love.

I never realized how much bullshit is bound to the bottom of your hair. How it carries with it the years and experiences, all it has witnessed, has endured. The reason you can’t let go of your past is that it’s still attached. That weight on your shoulders, the strain on your back and neck. It’s your dead ends.

Maybe independence is just the flag we wave to distract from the pain of being alone.

The old me would have just gone with it, done whatever he wanted. Endured, hoped for enjoyment or, if that didn’t come, for it to end quickly. I wonder how much of a woman’s life is spent this way. Enduring. Waiting for enjoyment or, fuck it, death.

“I gave you so much of myself,” I say, “and you wasted me.”

“Women are out there tethering themselves to mediocre men just so they can wear a ball gown. It’s a shame.”

It’s best not to be specific with wishes. Otherwise, you end up getting what you think you want instead of what you really need. How dangerous.