Cackle

by Rachel Harrison

“Okay,” I say. “But if this goes poorly, I’ll do nothing about it and suffer in silence.”

My mother died when I was five years old, and my early years of bows and lace dresses, tea parties and dolls, died with her. My dad is a former soldier who worked construction and didn’t have the time or patience for a daughter, especially one with such “feminine” interests. No taking me to my beloved ballet lessons. No Barbies. No makeup. It was school, microwave dinners in front of the TV to avoid conversation, chores, sleep. I did the dishes, the laundry, all of the cleaning. I could watch sports with him on the weekends, but I couldn’t comment, and if his team lost, I knew to get out of his way.

It must be exhausting to be in your head, Sam told me once. I think what he must have meant was, it was exhausting for him to hear about it. I exhausted him.

“you’ll discover for yourself soon enough the things that devastate us most in the moment are always the things we look back on with such gratitude.”

“Someone else built this house. A man with too much money and too much ego. He lost it all and left it to rot. I merely saved something beautiful,” she says, “though I do have a fondness for beautiful things, especially ones in need of saving.”

The tension drains from my body, tension I didn’t even realize I was holding.

Well that's a new spin lol

It’s the fact that I let a good mood delude me into thinking happiness was something I could hold in my hands, that it wouldn’t slip through my fingers the moment I stopped fearing it would.

Typically, I’d ask anyway because it’s the polite thing to do, but there’s a little voice in my head that says, Don’t bother. Spare yourself.

The people pleaser is beginning to melt away ^_^

“Don’t flatter me, pet,” she says. “My poor ego can barely fit into this dress.”

I love sophie so god damn much

“I’m never going to advocate looking for a romantic partner, especially not a male partner,” she says, and pauses to shudder. “I don’t much care for men. Or romance. I think both are a waste of time. And I’m someone with a lot of time.”

I'm going to just highlight all of Sophie's dialogue from here on out

“If this singer is truly seeking a partner, someone should tell her good conversation is much harder to have than good sex. That should be her primary concern.”

“Rats are selfish creatures,” she says. “They want to survive, and they do whatever they can to survive. I admire them.”

Ugh i think she's going to be the villain

I embrace the next morning with all the enthusiasm of a goat entering Jurassic Park.

I can’t tell if I’m crying because I’m angry or crying because I’m scared or if this is my default reaction to everything. Tears.