Well, Actually

by Mazey Eddings

My drunken fingers take over, and I’m hitting “stitch” before I can even worry about the fact that I’ve never used the feature before.

OH NO LMAO

I stop recording, check the captions for the audio, and insert a few stickers and his picture to the video, thoroughly enjoying myself as spite makes me drunker than the alcohol. I add the song “Sweet Home Alabama” in the background to really seal the deal. And because in my heart of hearts I am nothing more than a troll, I tag it #TheCancellationOfRylieCooper.

NO YOU DID NOT

I’m about to tap out of his profile completely when I notice something that makes my stomach bottom out and little black dots float in my vision. Rylie Cooper now follows me. Fuck.

LMAO THATS CRAZYYYY

“As we speak, our people are reaching out to Rylie Cooper’s.” “What the fuck for?” I cry, immediately slapping a hand over my mouth as I realize what I said to my boss.

LMAO

You watched Gilmore Girls and resonated with Rory and subsequently learned who Christiane Amanpour is and also made her your role model so you could be smart and clever whenever an adult asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up.

Ok wow LMAO

Now doesn’t seem like the best time to point out that teams are actually the ones made up of team players, and families, in the nuclear sense, are made up of genetically connected, emotionally scarred people doing their best not to strangle each other at any given time.…

I’m a lot of things—coarse, sarcastic, anxious, aggravating, aggravated, emotionally stunted—but vain tops the list and I’ll own that sin with pride,

Real

I spent my early twenties dimming myself down, making myself as palatable as possible for the people I was dating in the hopes that they’d tolerate me enough to stick around. They left me anyway.

It’s only when his smile grows that I realize my damn mouth is hanging open. I slam it shut so hard I give myself a headache.

UGH THE SECONDHAND EMBARASSMENTTT

“Haven’t you ever wanted a second chance to right a wrong?” I chew on this, flashes of all my exes flickering through my mind like thumbed pages of a magazine, all the nights I stayed up late wondering why I’m so easy to leave, making an endless list of all the things I’d do differently given half the chance.

I know this is probably breaking friend code but I gotta know … was it really that bad? I feel like he’s packing. I roll my eyes so hard I feel the force of it in the center of my brain. Another message from Ray immediately follows. I also feel like he’s curved to the left for some reason. Just gut instinct. He has that energy.

LMAO

“Hey, Siri, send a text to”—a glob of shampoo drips into my mouth, and I start to choke—“Ra—” I cough so hard I gag. “Really?” I wheeze out. “I can’t have one moment of peace?”

OMG ITS GONNA GO TO RILEY ISNT IT LMAO

“What do you want it to say?” Siri’s robotic voice replies. “Rylie”—cough, gasp, heave—“is the antichrist—period.” Hack, retch. “He does have a huge dick for what it’s worth. No distinct curves but I agree he gives off that vibe.”

NOOO THE SECONDHAND EMBARASSMENT IS ACTUALLY GONNA KILL ME THIS TIMEEE

Siri’s voice rings out, echoing off the walls: “Sent to Rylie: Antichrist. He does have a huge dick for what it’s worth no distinct curves but I agree he gives off that vibe.”

OMG NOOO

“Siri, unsend! Siri, no send! Hey, Siri, unsend!” I scream as I lunge forward. My feet slide on the wet tub, moving like a cartoon character’s under me before completely giving out and slipping away. My body crashes forward, my chin clipping the edge of the windowsill and hip catching the majority of my fall as I land. “Okay, resent,” Siri’s serene voice calls.

RESENT???? omg im CRYINGGGG

But the screen lights up like normal, proudly displaying a text from Rylie fucking Cooper. Wow. When you said you’d contact me, this wasn’t what I was expecting as the initial message. Another one comes through in rapid succession. You really want me to know about the antichrist’s dick.

LMAOOOO

Heat erupts across my cheeks. The dickhead is rubbing my nose in it. Guess you returned the calls from those willing to teach you, I type. Shame I wasn’t one of the chosen ones to worship at the Cooper cock of fame

STOP LMAO

The noise of fear that retches out of me isn’t a cute little yelp or squeak. It’s a prolonged, full, bloody-murder scream of terror. The car jerks as the driver slams on the brakes, my seat belt digging into my chest and gut, turning my scream into a wheeze. The world is still for half a second—my body slumped forward like a rag doll, my pulse pounding from the hefty dose of adrenaline from almost being slain by a stray cork—then another car bashes into us from behind, my head bouncing around my neck like a bobblehead. In the chaos, my eyes somehow catch Cooper’s alarmed gaze, his glasses askew and mouth gaping.

LMAO SHE CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT

Someone threatens to call the cops and another person calls them a pussy-ass tattletale.

LMAOOO

“I just didn’t know you could read,” I reply sweetly. “Lea Michele is shaking.”

Damn not Lea Michele catching strays

“So you’re saying you want to get to know me?” The spark of hope in his eyes is so sweet I have to bite back a smile while something in my chest melts. “No. No, no. You misunderstand. I was trying to be generous and allow you to get to know me. I’m a goddamn delight.” The radiance in his expression softens to a shimmer, his head tilting to the side as he looks at me. “Well, I already knew that.”

STOP THEY'RE CUTEEEE

“Do the slutty little glasses you wear now help with that? Is that why you couldn’t see all the red flags you were waving in college?” “You think my glasses are slutty?” he says, smile huge and voice hopeful. “We both know your glasses are slutty,” I say, narrowing my eyes. “Men don’t pick tortoiseshell frames like that without being a little bit of a ho.”

LMAOOOO

“Maybe I don’t know everything about you, Eva,” Cooper says, leaning forward. “But I know some things, and all those things make me want to know more. If you’ll let me.”

I hate my stupid, overeager heart for leaping at the idea. Someone wanting to know me. Someone seeing my sharp, prickly edges and gleefully asking for more. But that’s not how it works, not for people like me. It’s fun and games and an exercise in sparring until it becomes too much work, too many minefields to navigate the second things get a little bit real.

His gunpowder eyes spark as they hold mine, crinkled at the corners as he smiles at me. Like he heard me. Like he loved the sound. Like he’s calculating how he can make me laugh in such an unfiltered way.

A few slutty little curls tumble across his forehead as he studies me,

Not his slutty hair!??!??

It physically pains me to ogle Cooper—I’d rather walk on hot nails than be attracted to this man—but it’s impossible not to notice he has an impeccably bombastic ass as he leads me up the stairs to his recording studio a few days after brunch. It’s a bit obscene and offensive for a man to be so caked up on a Sunday afternoon.

LMAAOOO

“You might be the most conniving woman I’ve ever met.” “Thank you.” I blow him a kiss. “Maybe you have more game than I’ve given you credit for.” “That wasn’t a compliment,” he murmurs. “You terrify me.” My heart does a little flip as if he just told me I’m the most beautiful girl in the world, but I keep my face neutral.

“You’re something else,” Cooper says, voice low. I glance at him, expecting to see sharpness in his face—annoyance, resignation, disdain, something similar to all the other people I’ve pushed just a step too far—but he’s looking at me with a dopey expression. Almost thunderstruck.

“Uh-uh,” Rylie says, a dark wickedness to his voice. He leans over me, palms on either side of my head, caging me. My heart hammers as I take in the wild flush of his cheeks, his heated focus, the way he licks his lower lip like he’s so hungry for me he can’t stand it. I’ve never been so excited to be trapped. “Don’t you dare stop yourself, Eva. Fucking use me.”

“I guess I landed on weird because this whole thing is just that,” I babble. “I mean, we go from not talking to doing public dates for social media attention to having a heated fight after fake couples therapy like any of it means anything at all to either of us when we both know it doesn’t.” I can see Cooper out of the corner of my eye, and I watch him blink a few times, his face falling.

God shes so MEAN sometimes

He looks so fucking good, I can’t even find something to pretend to poke fun at. His suit pants are impeccably tailored, hugging his ass and thighs in a way that makes me want to start barking,

LMAO

His smile makes me think he’s tasted human flesh and didn’t hate it.

EW LMAO