Semi-Well-Adjusted Despite Literally Everything

by Alyson Stoner

At the time, we were assured by studios that Screen Actors Guild and California labor laws had ample protections in place for child welfare. But as it turned out, there were myriad loopholes. Unbeknownst to us, my own employers at Disney and Nickelodeon hired registered sex offenders who were my and my peers’ colleagues.

“Typecasting is necessary to get your face on the map,” Susan Curtis muttered over the phone in her notoriously rushed cadence. “We remind our other client, Jennette McCurdy, the same … it’s a win to be visible and employed!”

My storyline followed a celebrity child actor-dancer, Ally Parker (named after me), who longed to be a regular kid. Upon returning to public school, she’d learn to navigate a double life as a normal kid by day and television star by night. I was literally made for this!

Everyone made money off me, yet the outside world thought I was the cash cow. If I hinted otherwise, people construed it as whining or greedy: “A million dollars isn’t enough? Good luck in the real world!” Little did they know my last residual check was for 37 cents.

Even at ten years old, I had to get a medical physical before flying to film Cheaper by the Dozen, and an industry-referred doctor discovered a heart murmur. Upon sharing that I had dizzy spells and blackouts, he didn’t mark anything on my file because it “might stop the production company from letting you work.” I followed the doctor’s orders and ignored the murmur like he did, deducing that Hollywood must exist above medicine, above the law, and even above common sense.

My mother subscribed to the stigma around professional help, avoiding it herself. “Why would I rehash the past? I’ve always moved forward,” she’d say, filling her water bottle with vodka.

Everything that is in the oak tree is in the acorn.”

At a legislative level, most people are surprised to learn that federal law exempts child actors from child labor laws.