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“You need to know, Delphine, that building a true home with you, being with you as that woman, has given me the happiest months of my life. We’ve had years together combined, and I’m going to spend the rest of my days thankful for every sunset we had. You were worth waiting for. You were so worth waiting for. So fucking worth it”—my voice cracks—“so worth it.”
“I never thought I would know happiness, but I’m taking so many good days with me. Thank you for seeing me, Tyler.”
“I’m here, baby. Please try to hold on. I want to look into your eyes.”
“It’s snowing, and I didn’t want you to miss it. I didn’t want you to miss it because I wanted the last thing you see to be the man who loves you more than any selfish need, more than himself, more than life, and take that with you as the absolute truth,”
Despite that, I fucking loathe the thought of leaving her in a hole. Of some stranger that doesn’t know her worth tossing dirt on a body that, just weeks ago, I worshipped. A body which contained the spirit, heart, and brilliant mind of a woman I’ll go to my own death loving.
Condolences by people who are probably thinking to themselves that one day, I’ll heal. That one day, I’ll live again. But how can I? She’s not here.
The saying grates on me like no other because it’s a bullshit acknowledgment. A polite pass-off. The person still breathing, saying those words, is forgetting about the person they’re giving condolences to in the next breath, their next blink, while your entire life stutters in their wake.
“I don’t know which of us has it worse,” I finally say to Tobias, my fury quickly rising to the surface. “You because Cecelia still breathes, or me because Delphine wasn’t granted that privilege.”
“The life you get to live from here on out is entirely what you make of it once you reach her, T. There’s no quick fix. You decide. She decides, and then you decide the rest together. That’s all there is.”
“I can’t live without her,” he whispers, his voice distant but filled with surety, “and I won’t.” “That’s apparent.” “No, Tyler.” His eyes lock with mine, and I take a step back at what I see. I’d read it all wrong. “I won’t live without her. If my decisions or this club cost her life . . .” He trails off, but his implication is clear, and he’s completely of sound mind. “You’re serious?” I ask, though I know better. “Before I take a step near her, I need your word that will remain the case.”
“Jesus Christ, T—” “I don’t breathe a day without her, Tyler, fucking promise me. Promise me. I don’t last a minute past her last breath if it’s possible.”
“I can’t reason my way out of this fucking grief. I can’t. I just need—” “Faith, Dad. That’s all she asked of you. You need faith. Real faith. She asked you to believe her and you need to start.
“Breathe, Soldier,” her whisper reaches me as the trees sway with the crisp arrival of fall. Visions of her swarm me just after, leaving me aching as her whispers continually reach me. “Je t’aime, my miracle, soldier of my heart,” she whispers.
“Have faith, Soldier. Have faith.” “I’ll have faith, baby . . . I love you.” “My one true love,” she whispers.
“Open your eyes, Soldier of my heart. Go.” A peace washes over me as I inhale her one last time and exhale her slowly. Not completely, but enough to take another full breath since the last time she took one of her own.
Her voice echoes back to me one last time as my severed heart beats soundly for the first time in years. Even if it remains in pieces. “Win again, Soldier. Win again.”
