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“Peace,” I scoff. “Since when has peace brought change? The cost of peace is being compliant to whatever our government decides without our say. That’s not peace, that’s enslavement. Alain says the same corruption stands just beneath the veil of American capitalism and is ready to join the fight to liberate them.”
“Son, when you grab your uniform, make sure you stand firm in your stance to be nothing like me.” “I won’t,” I declare confidently. “No, because you’ll do it better, right?” He shakes his head ironically. “You won’t hurt your son, or fuck with his head, or belittle him like I swore I wouldn’t. You won’t disappear from your wife day by day like I swore I wouldn’t. Go to war one man and come back another. You’ll be the exception, the better soldier, husband, and father. You won’t ever bring the war you carry on your back through your front door.”
“I refuse to forget that and the husband he was to me. You don’t just leave someone you’ve spent half your life with because they’re going through a dark period. That’s not what you do. At least, that’s not what I’m going to do.”
“I say that I don’t care, that is mostly the truth, but I know I make it hard for people to like me.” “I like you,” he says softly, tossing the last of the kindling on the fire. “And fuck anyone who doesn’t. Like I said, you’re misunderstood. That much I know, so if they don’t want to take the time to figure that out about you, it’s their loss.”
“You’re the most beautiful goddamned woman I’ve ever laid eyes on,” he states emphatically. “I’m sorry you don’t like that to be noticed, but just so you’re aware, for me, it’s fucking impossible not to.”
“I want you so fucking much, it’s eating me alive, and I’m done playing ignorant to the fact that you want me too.” I gape at him. “You don’t know what you are saying. So much can change in a short time, Tyler . . . within a single blink.” “You think I don’t know that? My whole life has imploded in blinks the last few years, but this isn’t a blink type of thing. I want to give you all of them.”
“Get out.” He remains steadfast, tone unflinching. “Love may have lied to you in the past, but I’m not them, Delphine. You know I’m not. You trust me. This is just your fear talking.”
“Non,” she clips. “I won’t entertain this, you, another second. You’re a boy, and I’m—” “Call me a boy one. More. Fucking. Time,” I grit out in warning as irritation attempts to take the reins, but it’s my heart that grips it before firmly pressing it back under. “We both know I’m more of a man than any other fucking sorry excuse you’ve dragged into this house the last few years. And I only say a few because that’s how long I’ve been paying attention. Since the first time I truly saw you for who you really are, not what you hide behind or your cruelty and attention-seeking tantrums.”
“Utterly and entirely yours,” I whisper in offering as she stares up at me, her lips parted, her return expression granting me my answer before I ask the question. “Tell me, beautiful,” I ask her, as tears spill over her cheeks, “is love lying to you right now?” Her answer comes out in a croak. “Non.”
“What’s happening here, what’s happening between us, started pure and remains pure.” I stroke her cheek with my thumb. “It happened gradually and naturally. Neither of us forced this. Just . . . wait for me. I can’t be here for you while I’m gone, but I’ll come right back to you.” She refutes my words. “I’m not your problem, Soldier.” “No, what you are, is my fucking reason,” I declare, pulling back slightly to command her eyes. “My reason to fight and my reason to come home. You are home. Haven’t you figured that out yet?”
“You need someone to confess to?” I cut in, refuting her diversion and tapping the leather spine of her bible to my chest. “Confess to me. Keep your relationship with Him, but He’s going to let you die if that’s His will, right? But, you see, General, I’m going to be the man to witness it, so I deserve your fucking confessions as well.”
“You can’t make that promise,” she whispers. “I just did,” I declare with certainty. “You have so much—” “I know what I have. I’ll do what I need to do. If I can make this happen, then you can too. Show me, Delphine. Show me you want it, and I’ll move heaven and earth to be there for you, to help you succeed, and won’t ask for a damn thing in return.”
“Where are they?” I ask. “On a date,” Sean sighs. “Dom . . . on a date.” I shake my head at the irony. “Hell really has frozen over.” “He loves her,” he states emphatically, forever having Dom’s back. “I fucking love her, Tyler. She’s it for me, brother,” he admits hoarsely. “I know.”
Chest alight, body humming, I turn to my soldier with watering eyes. “Today is the best day of my life, Soldier.” He gazes back at me, his eyes filled with love and promise, his tone one of confidence. “No it’s not, General, I promise you, it’s not.”
“From hell, you brought me into living in this heaven with you. A dream which became so much more in loving the man in front of me with all of my heart.”
“It was you who was worth waiting for, Tyler,” I whisper as he stares back at me. “Je t’aime, Soldier, creator of my newborn heart. Mon seul véritable amour.” My one true love.
“Forever,” I whisper against her parted lips. “Forever,” she whispers back instantly. I feel the truth of that vow everywhere because there’s no honeymoon period when you find such a hypnotic and intoxicating connection with someone to the point that it feels spiritual.
“You care so little about this?” “Not tonight and not right now.” “So easy for you to say,” she counters, “you get to—” “To what?” I snap back. “I get to live? You aren’t that ignorant. I have to bury you while you’ll be completely unaware of any of that pain. God or no God, you’ll be in a perpetual state of bliss or ignorance while I reject any life without you, fucking forcing myself through every breath. So no, I don’t feel sorry for you, Delphine, because you get to die, and you won’t be the one left behind. I wish . . . fuck what I wish.” I swallow. “I have to fucking survive losing you.
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“I love you, best friend,” she drawls out as I turn to see her gazing back at me, a peaceful twinkle in her eyes. “And if I have to kick buckets, then I’m so glad it’s with you.” I bite my lip and shake my head just as she shouts, making us both jump. “Bucket, it’s ‘kick the bucket!’” she corrects herself. “This is . . . a pretty morbid start,” I sigh, “and not how I want this portion of our night to go.” “So what,” she states.
“Please don’t mourn me. Please let me go when the time comes. I want you to live a full life. You are too young to limit yourself so much. Let me be and remain your first love, Tyler, not your only. Promise me.” “I can’t promise that.” I shake my head. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”
“Okay, Soldier, this is the best night of my life.” A deep ache surfaces when, for the first time, I allow her sentiment to pass without my typical rebuttal. “Then it’ll be the best night of my life, too.”
“She worked so hard to make this Christmas perfect for us. I don’t want to ruin it.” “It is perfect. You’re not ruining anything. Nothing will or could ruin it, mark my words.” The instant I release that declaration, a French shrill sounds from the house and fills the yard. “MERDE! PUTAIN! MY FUCKING YAMS ARE BURNT! DAMN IT, TYLER! I TOLD YOU TO TELL ME WHEN IT WAS FORTY-FIVE MINUTES!” Zach and I hit the ground, laughter erupting from both of us as more shrieks ring out. “ALL FUCKING DAY I WAIT TO COOK THESE LAST SO NOTHING GETS BURNED . . . THEY ARE POTATOES . . . HOW DO THEY BURN? . . . I
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This is the only time I laughed during this entire book lmao
Tobias’s words from our conversation drift back to me. “Do we ever really know people?” We do, the people we truly love and memorize, and God, how I memorized her.
“Ne me pleure pas. Promis moi. Do not mourn me so long it hurts you, Tyler. Steal your life back the first chance you get. Win again. And when you find her, or when she finds you, let yourself love her as you loved me. Live as both man and my soldier. Win again.”
“I loved you through space and time before, and I’ll do it again. I’ll do it again. I’m with you, I’m with you, always,” I croak in promise.
Her voice echoes back to me one last time as my severed heart beats soundly for the first time in years. Even if it remains in pieces.
RIP and thank god this is over
