Always You and Me

by Dani Atkins

‘You’re going to be with me for longer than that. We said forever, remember? We wrote it into our vows. You don’t get to wriggle out of it now, buster.’

‘Please, Lily. For me. Go and see him. Listen to what he has to say. And then, when you’ve heard it . . . forgive him. And then forgive me.’

There is probably a special place in hell for people who lie to someone who’s dying, and I was already halfway there.

Adam Tennant – my husband, my best friend, and the love of my life – simply stopped being.

I learnt that you can’t outrun grief because it always knows where to find you, but you can keep yourself so busy that it can only squeeze into the gaps of your life, instead of burying you under an avalanche of sadness.

‘Some days he does. And some days he doesn’t. His memory is like an old pair of binoculars that look into the past. Sometimes – on a good day – it will be able to focus sharply for a moment or two, but most of the time what he sees is fuzzy at best.’

Some threads run so deep in your tapestry, perhaps it’s impossible to ever unpick them all.

If he looked any harder, I was pretty sure he’d be able to see my heart beating crazily beneath the fabric of my top.

‘Nobody wants to hear about him. They don’t ask you what he was like, or what were the things he loved. No one wants to know what made him laugh or drove him crazy. They edit him out of every conversation because they believe it’ll be too painful for you to talk about him. But really, the most painful thing of all is never getting to talk about him.’

‘I love you, Lily. I’ve always loved you. There’s never been anyone else in my heart except you. And yes, I know this is the worst possible time to be telling you this. But better now than after you’ve gone through with it. I had to come. I had to stop you marrying the wrong guy, even if he is Mr Right, Mr Nice Guy, Mr Good Guy. He’s not the one you’re meant to be with. You’re meant to be with me.’

Josh shook his head. ‘No. I don’t. I know I don’t deserve you, that I’m not worthy of you. Someone as incredible as you shouldn’t be in love with an idiot like me. But I think – I know – you are. And I couldn’t let you walk down the aisle without letting you know that there’s someone else who also wants to spend his life with you.’

Panic is a strange dish that goes from a moderate simmer to a raging boil almost without you noticing.

‘Somewhere out there, there’s a perfect guy for you. And he’s going to be strong and healthy, and he’s going to want to give you all the things that Adam and I couldn’t. There’ll be a houseful of children, and then grandchildren, and fifty years from now, when you’re sitting there holding his old, wrinkled hand, you’ll realise that walking away from me now was the best thing you ever did.’ I sniffed inelegantly. ‘It doesn’t feel like it right now.’ He nodded slowly, and I knew this was hurting him too. ‘I know, Lily. I know.’

‘I hope this little baby knows how incredibly lucky it is to have you as its mum.’ I smiled as I turned on the bench towards him. ‘I think in all the years I’ve known you, that might possibly be the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. Thank you. You’ve no idea how badly I needed to hear that, because now that it’s a reality rather than just a dream, it’s as scary as hell to be doing it on my own.’