Always You and Me

by Dani Atkins

There is probably a special place in hell for people who lie to someone who’s dying, and I was already halfway there.

I learnt that you can’t outrun grief because it always knows where to find you, but you can keep yourself so busy that it can only squeeze into the gaps of your life, instead of burying you under an avalanche of sadness.

walked into the kitchen, breathing in the familiar smell of home, a fragrance so precious I would have paid a fortune to have it bottled.

Perhaps it was because I knew that to take the next step forwards I would need to go back to where it had all started.

It was one of those moments when you wonder if Fate is deliberately out to get you, while simultaneously thinking that if this is a dream, it would be a really good moment to wake up now.

‘You can do this. You like driving,’ I reminded myself as I turned my car towards an even more remote area on the map.

‘I don’t want you to go.’ For just a moment his words affected me in a truly visceral way, because it made it sound like he cared, but I knew from his actions that he didn’t.

The prospect of spending so much time in his company would once have been my idea of Heaven, but now it felt like a stay in a considerably hotter location.

Some threads run so deep in your tapestry, perhaps it’s impossible to ever unpick them all.

wondered why I was trying so hard to keep our relationship purely in the friend zone. Because you’re an idiot, who’s still waiting for something you should have given up on a long time ago.

The middle of the night is made for honesty and the sharing of secrets.

His words felt like walking into sunlight after being in the shadows.

‘Are the guys in this city all blind or just stupid? You’re gorgeous, funny, kind and super smart. You’re a catch. These blokes are all idiots.’ You’re the idiot, I silently screamed at him. Or maybe I was, to keep on waiting for something that I should know by now was never going to happen.

‘You really think that much of yourself?’ Josh shook his head. ‘No. I don’t. I know I don’t deserve you, that I’m not worthy of you. Someone as incredible as you shouldn’t be in love with an idiot like me. But I think – I know – you are. And I couldn’t let you walk down the aisle without letting you know that there’s someone else who also wants to spend his life with you.’

to one of the chintz

I didn’t need to find the perfect man to be an ideal husband; I’d already found and then lost that. I also didn’t need a man who made my pulse race and filled my head with thoughts and dreams that could never be, because I’d found and lost that too.

The pain felt real, because I was right back there again, loving two men in completely different ways and knowing someone’s heart was going to break, and it wasn’t just going to be mine.

It was the worst moment to be interrupted, but bad timing had always been a thing with us.

‘Anyway, what I realised was that all the things I didn’t know how to do, all the things I was afraid of feeling, weren’t nearly as terrifying as the thought of not trying to make this thing between us work. I know we have a lot to figure out. There’s a lot of baggage – mostly mine – that needs to be unpacked. And I’m still scared there are things you want – that you have every right to expect – that I won’t be able to give you.’

‘I fought being in love with you for so long, Lily; I just can’t do it anymore. I’m done. I don’t know what forever feels like. But I do know there is no one on earth I want to share it with except you. We can take this thing as slow as you want or need. But this time I’m not walking away.’

More than the enthusiasm in his voice, or the light of excitement in his eyes, I loved the use of ‘we’ instead of ‘I’.