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“Yes. So we have nothing to w...
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“We don’t have one thing to worry about. Preventing STDs isn’t the on...
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“I can’t have...
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He shuts his mouth so fast his teeth click. “Oh. I…” He clears his throat. “I’m sorry.”
I laugh at how uncomfortable he is about my revelation. “I don’t generally think about it. I’m only telling you so you don’t worry about a surprise baby.”
He nods. “Okay. Well…t...
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Today, she’s wearing black plastic ones. They don’t have a prescription—her vision is perfect. But she claims they make her face look slimmer and sexier.
Since she values comfort above all else, she’s in a stretchy blue shirt, purple yoga pants and sneakers.
I’m not looking for a long-distance we-only-meet-on-weekends thing. I want somebody I can see every evening and share moments with.”
“God invented video chat for a reason, Sierra.”
“It’s not the same. You can’t cuddle wit...
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“Ah, but you can have p...
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I’m looking for somebody to share my life with, not just have sex on weekends when our schedules work out.”
I pull out champagne and make toasts when my father forgets my existence. If I could, I’d make him think I was dead. Which might be possible if he were on his own, but he has a pesky assistant who reminds him of the fact that all seven of his sons are still alive.
People overcoming enormous odds to find each other only happens in fairytales.
And given Prince Charming’s obsession with that slipper, I suspect he had a foot fetish.
I don’t want fame or fortune. Fame comes with notoriety, and fortune… Well, I have plenty.
If I become unemployed, I’m going to run Dad over with a car. Not my Tesla, but my Prius. Dad isn’t worth banging a Tesla up for.
God damn it. This is not how I wanted the day to go, getting roped into some bullshit I am not interested in.
God save me from the drama king and his idiot assistant.
“The world is full of good people. We just need to be strong for each other.”
But just because something’s made of marble and bronze doesn’t mean it’s art. I could’ve made a dick going into a vagina with bronze-colored clay in one afternoon and sold it to my father for a million bucks.
I do not need Mom finishing three bottles of vodka and executing a naked cannonball into the pool. The last time she did it, she lost consciousness and sank like a rock, and a guy had to pull her out and perform CPR.
I always thought romance novels lied about how great the orgasms were in the sex scenes, the idea being to talk up the hero’s virility and prowess in bed. But maybe romance novelists have their own Midnight Gods in their bedrooms, and they’re just writing from life experience.
I don’t want to discuss my ex’s dick size. Actually, I don’t ever want to think about his dick at all. It’s like God was feeling rushed when He created Todd.
“All the good men aren’t just taken. They also aren’t local.”
I bet you could grate cheese on his abs.
He’s furious he’s stuck. He’s made it clear he doesn’t want to be here, but we all have to do things we don’t like. Best just to put a good face on it, I always say.
Nothing this woman does is going to shock me.
But as a rule, I remove drama from my life as much as possible.
Then Sebastian arrives. He’s in a suit, probably from a business meeting or something. He’s the heir apparent to Sebastian Jewelry. The reason his name is the same as the company on his mother’s side isn’t because his mom has some weird identity issue. It’s due to the fact that our dad decided remembering seven boys’ names was too much work and named us after our mothers.
Noah quirks an eyebrow. “Do you know if you read strap-on backward, it spells ‘no parts’?”
And now I’m doubly annoyed that I’m thinking about a dildo CEO. Again.
I’m not an asshole by nature. I’m only an asshole when I’m driven to be an asshole.
Expectations bring nothing but heartache.
Smiling takes entirely too much effort.
“She didn’t hit him. The tree did,”
“What?”
“He fought that tree”—Griffin points at the crabapple...
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“I didn’t offer because I didn’t want to.”
I’d rather drink bleach than tell her I’m feeling horny over the infernal apple scent.
At least nothing here smells like silicone dicks.
I turn over and force myself to count sheep.
She is a goddess—my sex goddess.
Then, when the story reaches the part about how Todd conked his head against the tree, she pumps a fist. “Yes! I knew I liked that tree.”
An impressive spider, indeed.
Sebastian shakes his head. “Regardless of the song’s copyright status, I’m not going to traumatize my grandmother. I actually like the woman.” He pauses. “Most of the time.”
“True. You sing like a dying wildebeest,” Noah says.
just a huge dinner together with my brothers, since all of us were born four months apart.
She hasn’t moaned my name since Friday night, so either she’s being really quiet or there are no more impressive spiders around.
