Smut

by Karina Halle

Piano music starts tinkling and he begins to sing. Sing. “I remember all my life,” he croons, wiggling his brow even as a drop of sweat rolls down. “Raining down as cold as ice.” Holy fuck. Is he singing “Mandy” by Barry Manilow?

I would have died, shriveled up with embarrassment

I’m not socially awkward, but to be honest, most people are total morons, and my tolerance for them isn’t very high.

Oh, it’s me

I’m cognizant that we possess a lot of freedom with this byzantine project, but even so I think we need to discuss our intent and the subsequent strategy we need to follow.

Someone just discovered a thesaurus for the first time

In other words, if a girl says she loves you and she’s not looking you in the eye, it means she doesn’t. Or she has intimacy issues. Or she’s cheating on you.

Or she has autism, or adhd in my case

But since he says smut and filth will lower our standards,

Lower my standards? Sir, my standards were already in the basement, building a shrine to fictional men. Try again

“He also wasn’t a teacher anymore. He was fired after he was caught selling drugs to the students.”

Well,, that’ll do it

Romance readers want romance, they don’t want it with a plot about bird women and wizards and monsters that look like a giant ant crossed with a spider.

Bold of you to assume I don’t want my romance with a side of bird women, wizards, and nightmare fuel from the bug kingdom. Some of us like a little spice with our eldritch horrors, thank you very much

He does seem like the type to drive an obnoxious car like this, vintage and all.

@ my husband

His smile is infectious. Then again, so was the plague.

the two great equalizers: charm and mass extinction

“I’m a liar and a thief. A thief of a heart that shouldn’t belong to me. A thief of a heart that was easily taken. But I am one man, with two hearts, and none of them are my own.”

So poetic- men are trash

“Well, I’m pretty sure you can’t really make a quick buck these days unless you’re writing Fifty Shades of Grey Part Eight: Grey and Greyer.”

Yuuup, the scum of the reading world(no offense, unless you’re E.L James)

Susie Dicksuck, I.M. Hornay, T. Aint Licker, P. Ennis and Mike Hunt.”

Quality names

I wouldn’t amount to anything besides a weirdo.

I don’t know why characters who identify as a weirdo have a huge pick-me vibe to me, but they do

Thank god for e-readers. You can read the filthiest shit and pretend you’re engrossed in War and Peace.

I’ve tried this, but I’m convinced everyone knows what I’m reading. Nightmare

“Yes, it is a girl,” I tell him. “We’re having a cootie convention.”

Stealing that

“No. It’s been years since that manchild was last appropriate for kids. He knocked up one of the Baldwins. He has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face.”

The biebs went downhill bad-personally, I blame Diddy

“The ones I saw on Goodreads were,”

It’s so trippy to see Goodreads mentioned in a book

“Stephen King is also a liar.” I frown at him. “He’s a liar for a living, all authors are. So are we.”

You dare speak negatively on the King’s name?