Just Bromantically Invested (Accidental Love, #4)

by Saxon James

Some days, it feels like I have to fight for his attention when I’d never make him fight for mine.

When people say they don’t give a fuck, it’s because I have them all. The fucks, I mean. I give entirely too many fucks every single day, and things like this going wrong send my anxiety skyrocketing.

I wish they’d all fuck off and let me do my job. I’m Madden’s best friend. They don’t need to worry about him when he has me.

I’m lonely, I don’t want to be lonely, but I don’t want someone in my life who can fix it either.

The thing is, if Penn’s lonely, I need to fix it. Does it hurt to know I’m not enough for him? Of course. It’s like a knife to my motherfucking heart, but it’s not about me. Nothing is when it comes to him.

So Madden can have friends and be there for them, but Penn can’t?

I’m trying to do some protective best friend stalking here, and if Penn knew about what I was doing, it would all be completely consensual. I just don’t actually want him to know about it at this point because I’m beginning to get worried that I’ve crossed the line from protective to needs-a-restraining-order, and I’d like to take a moment to reevaluate my choices

There are moments I don’t mind a little ridiculousness, but in this case, COME ON! You’re in your 30s! Why is he acting like he’s 15?!

I don’t like the thought of one of my friends knowing what my best friend is like in bed when I don’t.

Jesus. I don’t know if I’m in a mood or if everything about him is bothering me

Xander has … well, he has us. And anxiety. He’s practically married to that bitch.

“Don’t get me wrong, I want to lose my virginity. I want to be fucked in every way I can be fucked, but I’d like to be thrashed respectfully, thank you very much.”

“Because loving someone who doesn’t love you back is the hardest fucking thing in the world to go through. It tears your heart into itty-bitty shreds. You don’t want to tear his heart into itty-bitty shreds, do you?” She gives me a soft smile. “Good luck.”

Or you could get naked with him again? See if you react in the same way?” “And if I do and he doesn’t?” “Give it a peck and it’ll spring to life.”

The need to go after him is strong. The need to cry is deeper though. Because I’m suddenly terrified I just fucked everything up.

I’ve disappeared for almost an entire day, and there’s no single person who’s noticed. No one to check in on me, no one who cares. That’s a dark thing to realize. Madden’s all I have. And I ruined it. I crawl into the shower and let myself cry.

This is another reminder that I’ve been so focused on building my life around Madden’s that I forgot to keep building my own as well.