The Courage to Be Disliked: The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How to Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness

by Ichiro Kishimi

None of us live in an objective world, but instead in a subjective world that we ourselves have given meaning to. The world you see is different from the one I see, and it’s impossible to share your world with anyone else.

Total lack of objectivity in order to say all is good would be a radically simplistic mistake. Lets see where it goes.

the coolness or warmth of the well water is an undeniable fact.

Untrue. The fact is in the objective temperature. Your feelings toward the fact are variable and maleable. This is not valid with regard to war or injustice.

“So you see, it’s not your fault.” The argument concerning so-called traumas is typical of etiology.

Is this what is said? What of heres why but you are responsible for your reaction? is that where this is headed?

Your life is not something that someone gives you, but something you choose yourself, and you are the one who decides how you live.

Certainly possible but i wonder how thorough. What capacity may be missing that an already healthy individual has? what privileged circumstances allow you to be self determined ? Paul would agree in his stoic joy being within and free of circumstances. So may different views of holocaust survivors .

But there is no doubt that he is also taking action in line with his goal. This

Finding causes but within the person. This is again largely going to work out but wont be thorough.

Of course. And please understand, it is Freudian etiology that denies our free will and treats humans like machines.

Either or doesnt fit here. Humams are very complex and not all drives and emotions are present and conscious. Not all derived narratives for action will be correct or useful for change

Adlerian psychology’s view is that it happens around the age of ten.

A truly radical belief wich would require extraordonary proof.

but what kind of goal could I have here? I mean, what kind of advantage could there be in my not liking myself? I can’t imagine there’d be a single thing to gain from

This doesn't seem like the right question. What does the having of a goal have to do with change if it can be found. Deciding on a different goal will not do much.

You start to think that people are always looking down on you and treating you with scorn, that they’re all enemies who must never be underestimated, who lie in wait for any opening and attack at the drop of a hat. In short, that the world is a terrifying place.

Look, people are extremely selfish creatures who are capable of finding any number of flaws and shortcomings in others whenever the mood strikes them. A man of perfect character could come along, and one would have no difficulty in digging up some reason to dislike him. That’s exactly why the world can become a perilous place at any time, and it’s always possible to see everyone as one’s enemies.

You are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations, and neither am I. It is not necessary to satisfy other people’s expectations.

Overly puritanical. True and yet it has the advice of "just stop it". In fact you may learn to keep going and yet feel it would be great to be recognized as that does give a validation and value.

When one seeks recognition from others, and concerns oneself only with how one is judged by others, in the end, one is living other people’s lives.

Yes if in this extreme state, but it is overstated.

On the other hand, what kind of judgment do other people pass on that choice? That is the task of other people, and is not a matter you can do anything about.

This is again too stark in making the point. Judgement can be wisdom and choosing only the path which seems right to you is folly if loving people exist who offer it. Ultimately true only you make, and live with the choice.

This is complete etiology. But it’s really, I don’t want to work, so I’ll create an awful boss, or I don’t want to acknowledge my incapable self, so I’ll create an awful boss.

Nihlism does sit beneath this view. You try hard and take all success and failure to yourself. Your bad boss fires you and you assess you should try harder. If again you fail you just take on board that you are not able. Of course boss blaming doesn't work either as an ultimate strategy, but the real answer is a mix.

Even if there were no intention to repair relations on his side, I would not mind in the least. The issue was whether or not I would resolve to do it, and I was always holding the interpersonal relationship cards.

It is true that forgiveness requires that you do the work and not be hung up on their action. However this seems like forgetting, which isnt useful imo. Recall that they hit you ,you didn't like it, they may not be changed and you may not enter into relationship, but you will forgive recognizing I have done so, and move forward responsible for your own adult strategies.

Adlerian psychology refutes all manner of vertical relationships and proposes that all interpersonal relationships be horizontal relationships. In a sense, this point may be regarded as the fundamental principle of Adlerian psychology.

This is another good example of a reasonable idea taken to a silly extreme. Of course there could be manipulation but there is also affirmation of direction. From a friend we might call it encouragement. Its very difficult to say this is really negative.

You are wrong. Even if you do derive joy from being praised, it is the same as being dependent on vertical relationships and acknowledging that you have no ability. Because giving praise is a judgment that is passed by a person of ability onto a person without ability.

This sophistry is flaccid. The point is lost.

When receiving praise becomes one’s goal,

Note again the extremes while parsing normal words. Its back and forth to make a bad point.

confidence in someone unconditionally,

Unconditional love has been turned to confidence but the idea is clealy the same.

Unconditional confidence is a means for making your interpersonal relationship with a person better and for building a horizontal relationship. If you do not have the desire to make your relationship with that person better, then go ahead and sever it. Because carrying out the severing is your task.

And here the amoral system will break down every time because constant separation will make all relationships shallow. Sticking with faulty people is difficult with a moral system, but i suspect impossible without.

We should live more earnestly only here and now. The fact that you think you can see the past, or predict the future, is proof that rather than living earnestly here and now, you are living in a dim twilight.

Again extremes or black and white distinctions worthy of religion.