The Courage to Be Disliked: The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How to Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness

by Ichiro Kishimi

Freud’s idea is that a person’s psychic wounds (traumas) cause his or her present unhappiness.

But Adler, in denial of the trauma argument, states the following: “No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure.

We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.”

We can’t go back to the past in a time machine. We can’t turn back the hands of time. If you end up staying in etiology, you will be bound by the past and never be able to find happiness.

You should arrive at answers on your own, not rely upon what you get from someone else. Answers from others are nothing more than stopgap measures; they’re of no value.

having a feeling of inferiority is a condition of feeling some sort of lack in oneself in the present situation.

They use their misfortune to their advantage and try to control the other party with it.

Adler says, “In fact, if we were to ask ourselves who is the strongest person in our culture, the logical answer would be, the baby. The baby rules and cannot be dominated.” The baby rules over the adults with his weakness. And it is because of this weakness that no one can control him.

It’s enough to just keep moving in a forward direction, without competing with anyone. And, of course, there is no need to compare oneself with others.

once one is released from the schema of competition, the need to triumph over someone disappears.

And one becomes able to celebrate other people’s happiness with all one’s heart. One may become able to contribute actively to other people’s happiness.

Personal anger soon cools. Righteous indignation, on the other hand, lasts for a long time. Anger as an expression of a personal grudge is nothing but a tool for making others submit to you.

righteous indignation goes beyond one’s own interests.

No matter what the provocation, you must not get taken in.

When you are challenged to a fight, and you sense that it is a power struggle, step down from the conflict as soon as possible.

Adlerian psychology is a psychology for changing oneself, not a psychology for changing others. Instead of waiting for others to change or waiting for the situation to change, you take the first step forward yourself.

Adler does not accept restricting one’s partner. If the person seems to be happy, one can frankly celebrate that condition. That is love. Relationships in which people restrict each other eventually fall apart.