I Was Told There'd Be a Village: Transforming Motherhood through the Power of Connection

by Melissa Wirt

“For years people thought the best thing you could do for a lonely person is to give them support… Actually, we found that it’s about receiving and also giving back. So the best thing you can do for someone who is lonely is not to give them help but ask them for help. So you give them a sense of worth and a chance to be altruistic.

Tiara syndrome is the tendency of women in the workforce to grind themselves to the bone hoping that when someone notices how much they are giving they will be rewarded in some way—with praise, a promotion, a bonus.

when we keep our heads down, we are in fact less likely to have the metaphorical tiara bestowed upon us than if we make a clear case for why we deserve some form of compensation.

If I could turn back the clock, there are many things I would do differently. I know, though, that I can only control my response to the way those events unfolded, so I look forward, not back.

I acknowledged that losing those relationships was hurtful and I mourned what I had lost.

It was tempting to go on a self-hate spree, telling myself I was destined to be alone forever because I was obviously unworthy of companionship.

There’s a unique blend of chemistry and convenience that leads to a good match. While I’ve learned to turn down the volume on my judgment, I also haven’t welcomed just anyone into my village. We have the right to be selective so we can find a village that lifts us up instead of weighing us down.

If a storm hits your village and you lose members, you grieve, learn what you can, then pick yourself up and keep looking for your people.

alloparenting, defined as care given to kids by people other than their parents.

In the weeks following the end of Valentina’s marriage, Nicole was a true partner to her.

Nicole also started picking up tasks that would usually be done by a parent. She got the kids off the bus, took them to practices and birthday parties, helped with their schoolwork, and attended their events. Valentina didn’t even have to ask. If one of the kids had a big performance coming up, she would just let Nicole know so that she could pencil it in on her calendar. The two women know many people who think Nicole is the kids’ second mom—and in a way, she is. She’s just not Valentina’s wife. They are a chosen family.

Having a second set of hands and another heart to love my babies for the weekend was a total game changer for all of us.

We are communing, we are momming, we are villaging.

Every village is a work in progress. The only wrong way to build a village is to let an isolation mindset prevent us from trying.

Our default mode with each other is “I gotcha. No explanation necessary.” We trust our bond to be stronger than the obstacles that put pressure on it. We know that it is impossible to answer every text when a three-year old is stepping on your chest, trying to get your attention.

There are already so many barriers to connection. Let’s not erect additional barriers by judging ourselves for not living up to an idealized version of what our village should look like. We need to let go of the unrealistic expectations we hold for ourselves and others in order to embrace the beautiful reality we have in front of us.