Say You'll Remember Me

by Abby Jimenez

“Are you keeping it?” I asked. She leaned on the exam table. “I mean, yeah. You don’t turn down the cat distribution system.”

I never get why white men are grumpy. Like, we’re living in a patriarchy. You’re the most privileged class on the face of the earth. You’re not walking to your car with your keys through your fingers like wolverine and you’ve got bodily autonomy, why the bad mood?”

I read the note. My three favorite words: You were right.

“While you two figure out which fictional monster I am, I’m going to get back to work.” I gave them a pointed glance. “It’d be nice if you also resumed working at some point.” They continued on, talking about faeries with bat wings.

This got him. His smile cracked and his whole face changed. WOW. What a beautiful, glorious thing. I was instantly addicted to it.

Right now my world was also a little gray. The last time I saw color was that night in the escape room. The promise of something can be so vibrant.

“The one who gave her the hoodie she wears twenty-four seven,” Jeneva said. “I don’t wear it twenty-four seven!” I said, literally wearing it.

I didn’t get to shut my brain off very often. Most women don’t. The constant situational awareness that we have to practice is exhausting. But Xavier made me feel like I could mentally check out. I could just be here bopping around, enjoying being outside and surrounded by these eccentric weirdos and not have to worry about how safe I was because he wouldn’t let anything happen to me.

she’s lactose intolerant but will never stop eating ice cream.”

Lol literally me

I felt courted. It was weird, but there was no other word to describe it. I had obviously never been properly courted before because now that I was, I was giving those other guys some serious side eye. Damn if Xavier wasn’t ruining me for all other men while he was here.

“That there is nothing more beautiful than being a witness to someone’s life. To know them inside and out and be with them through everything, share the same memories. Memories are everything. I want that.”

“Yeah. I want someone who knows everything there is to know about me, and I want to know everything about them. I want to be able to say one out-of-context comment to someone and they get what it means and they laugh and it’s just some stupid joke from like eleven years ago that means nothing to anyone else.”

“It’s the result of a parallel life. A shared collection of experiences, like a snowball rolling downhill, getting bigger as it goes. And then you get to a point where you’re so far in, you can never replace that person. Not really. No one else can ever be the same kind of witness because you’ve lived through so much. It really is a once in a lifetime thing.”

I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would never forget this moment. That this was a memory sticking to a very new and very small snowball. And I liked where it was going.

I should be happy. I was in the worst mood of my life. I could not stop thinking about her.

So why was I still thinking about her? Because the facts didn’t change the feelings. I’d been taken by the riptide. I thought by going to California I’d only put my feet in the water, but I’d gotten all the way in. I’d been sucked out into the open sea and I was fighting it and fighting it and I was getting tired and I didn’t know how much longer I could keep it up.

I thought I had been getting over him, and then immediately I wasn’t. It was literally that fast. Instantaneously back in the throes of it after three words out of his mouth.

There was a tiny glimmer of a chance. And I felt instant peace. The gnawing discontent of the last two months was finally quiet, and all I could think in this moment of relief was that I was kissing my wife.

OMFG

This was what they meant when they talked about the one who got away. She’s the woman you never stop remembering, the one who haunts you. The one who stays at the front of your mind even when decades pass.

I’d taken recognition for granted my whole life. The way it lights someone up, how it can speak to you without a word across a crowded room. That split second of raw reaction when you’re seen and known. Relief, joy, happiness at locking eyes with someone you were looking for or seeing someone you didn’t expect.

He just had this in a secret show of loyalty. Honoring all my tiny allegiances and petty vendettas.

It’s weird knowing what’s going to be in your end-of-life montage, as it’s happening. But I already knew when my life flashed before my eyes, the best parts of it were going to be about her.

Until I’d met her, I had no complaints about tedium. Now her existence in my world changed how I felt about everything else.

“Because if you were my wife you would be my world. Everything starts with you and ends with you. Anything else is just the stuff that happens in the middle.”

“They are never going to let me live this down…” he said, totally talking about Jesse, Mike, and Chris. They weren’t. They seriously weren’t. They were playing this at his funeral. He had no choice but to outlive them all. I couldn’t stop laughing.

Lmfao

I think there are two types of people you fall in love with. The ones who are a good fit. Their lifestyle matches yours, you share the same values and beliefs, you find them attractive and you like spending time with them. It’s good. Great even. You can live your whole life with this person and be madly in love and never want anything different… unless you’ve already met the other type of person you fall in love with. The One. The person who was made just for you. And you only ever get the one.

Knowing that we would never have more than this—and knowing that we should—was so hard to accept.