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And I didn’t care. Whatsoever. So he wasn’t human, big fucking whoop. Neither was I. Neither were the countless people he brought home to fuck.
After I’d shaken his hand and sat down, he’d swivelled his monitor around to show me an online store selling a bunch of ironing boards and asked, “Which of these would you say is the sexiest?”
The dude who’d taken notes during my interview with a pink fluffy pen? The dude who’d accidentally hit play on the audiobook he’d been listening to when he went to show me something on his phone, so I’d been subjected to a few seconds of a vampire called Fabio railing his human pet, Steve?
I got the sense that Larkin hadn’t overly warmed to me, but I was used to that. I wasn’t going to pretend to be all perky and eager-to-please just because I was new.
“Computers? Can you build us a karate robot?” “What?” I rasped blankly. “A robot. That does. Karate,” the other said slowly, like I was an idiot.
“Oh, Lucifer, get them off me! Their hands are all sticky! Why the fuck are your hands so sticky?
“I have very important and sexy business to discuss with you, Mr. Hough…”
“Uh… you shoved your face in your neighbour’s tits, bro?”
an MMORPG called Black Oasis.
“Seb, this dude in the game knows my name. You might have to protect me from a stalker with your big werewolf muscles.”
“Sorry, bro,” Larkin said sheepishly. Then, after a pause, as my buddies’ characters watched on in silence, his elf stepped forward and began crouching repeatedly, directly over my dead archer’s face. His friend Hans cackled. “Noice. Classic teabag, bro.”
The newest episode was about a pair of what were believed to be goblins who’d carried out a string of armed robberies on the east coast in the early noughties and never been caught. True crime aficionados were only just beginning to take them seriously, because they’d been seen as a bit of joke at the time due to their propensity for dressing up in classic robber outfits, with stripy shirts and everything. Apparently, they’d been known for kicking out windows and scribbling an overly long phallus with ‘The Bratwurst Bandits’ written on it as their calling card.
a lot of valuable martial arts memorabilia, apparently—there
He was sucking his own dick.
Honestly, thinking about it, if I were a dullahan… I’d probably suck my own dick too.
He got you riled up, got your blood flowing. From anger. Nothing else. It’s an angry boner. And earlier was just jealousy masturbation. Angry jealousy masturbation.
He’d definitely seen me giving myself some neck the other night. Playing my own skin flute. Slobbing on my own knob. Polishing my dome. You get the idea.
“It’s attached, you dick! You can’t run off with it!” “Piss,” hissed whichever one of them was currently clinging to my head. “Abort the mission, Beans!”
“But it’s not all that hot if I’m the one holding the leash just so two weird little goblins don’t run off with my head. Plus, they’d just slide the collar off.”
I stiffened, my face tight. Did he? Did Vince know that? Had firsthand experience, did he?
I hated it. Asshole, making me feel shivers. What was his fucking problem?
Neville turned to face me with a delighted grin on his face, brandishing the pumpkin head with a cock sleeve for a mouth.
“You can just leave it, hon,” the fae said in a sympathetic voice as he and my best friend watched me jerk off a werewolf dildo suctioned to the floor of a sex shop at 10 a.m. on a Friday morning.
I can threaten to stop buying those vile hot dog water-flavoured sodas they love.”
Frank and Beans were here too. No one had wanted to share a cab with them. They’d bought a ridiculous amount of shots and were standing on the chairs at their own table, seemingly having a competition to see how many they could each drink. They didn’t look any less creepy in their human skins, to be honest. And for some reason, they’d changed into matching red boiler suits and fedoras.
Beans leaned in and whispered right in my ear, “You’re one of us now.” He was breathing weirdly heavily as he said it, so I made a hasty escape.
Holt had—god bless that flamboyant, money-hungry pirate—given me the day off.
I’d have to move. Quit my job. Get a new identity.
I should just go ahead and order myself a red squeaky nose, a big curly wig and one of those flowers that squirted water right now, because I was a fucking clown.
I hated people pointing out my appearance. It just made me wildly self-conscious. Maybe that was a little contrarian seeing as I had facial piercings and tattoos and dyed my hair bright colours, but I didn’t do that for other people.
“So I’m just saying…” His wide, muscled shoulders rose in a tiny shrug as his smile grew just a little. “You’re not drunk now. And I’m right here.”
He’d just… left. While I was still standing here in the middle of my dark living room, unsteady and dazed from coming on top of him.
He paused a split second before I heard the distinct sound of a squeaky fart, followed by a relieved sigh.
He was beatboxing and singing something about crab pizza.
I yanked open the fridge and scanned its contents, homing in on my big bottle of extra extra hot, throat-stripping homemade hot sauce.
“That was a special surprise.”
“That wasn’t weird. You just wait ’til I get you naked again, kitten. I’ll show you how weird it can get with a dullahan.”
I wasn’t just gunning for a participation ribbon anymore. Now I wanted a trophy. Bronze, maybe. I wasn’t delusional. This was still my first time sucking dick.
But Beans was just staring at me with horrifyingly blank eyes. He didn’t look away even when Frank climbed right over him to get higher, using his head as a foothold.
You’re just really, really attracted to him, I told myself, trying not to overthink it.
“And then he’ll be the perfect heeead,” Beans uttered darkly, before they both said in unison, “The perfect head.”
“We’re just living our truth, conformist pig.” Beans karate-chopped the air. “Yah!”
“Oh god, they’re in the walls?”
Shit. I was developing deeper feelings for him. That probably wasn’t good.
“Put ’em up, nerd,” a sinister voice said.
“I said put those sausages up, turd!”
“We were actually thinking…” He lifted his hands and spread them in an arc through the air as he dramatically finished, “Zippers.” I tried to keep my face blank. “Zippers?” “Sneaking into people’s houses and cutting all the zippers out of their clothes.” Beans cackled. “Truly despicable.”
“Do you want to see the sketches? We’ve been workshopping—”
“If you got stuff as good as gum in them there pockets, maybe you’ve got something else too.”
“Leave the weapon,” Beans rushed out. “Then it can’t be tied to us. Yeah, that’s right, I know the law, turd!”
