On Marriage and Family Life (Popular Patristics Series)

by St. John Chrysostom (Author)

Listen carefully, all married men and women: if you cannot call your body your own, then you certainly cannot call your money your own.

Husband and wife are equally responsible for the honor of their marriage bed.

If one abstains without the other's consent, it is an act of fraud; but if consent is given, it is not, just as if you took something of mine that I had already given you, I could not call it theft. Theft occurs only if you take something by force, without my consent. This is what many wives do when they refuse their husbands. They commit a sin which outweighs the righteousness of their abstinence. They are responsible for their husband's licentiousness and the broken homes that result. Instead of behaving this way, they should value harmony above everything; nothing is more important.

He does not mean that sexual relations would make the prayer unclean.

Paul's previous words, though not explicitly spoken by Christ, was nevertheless inspired by Him. There, however, Christ speaks specifically. That is the difference between “I” and “not I.” Never imagine Paul's words to be merely human opinion, since he says, “I think that I have the Spirit of God” (v. 40).

an unfaithful life has defiled the sexual act itself.

Impurity does not originate in the union of their bodies, but in their thoughts and motives. Here is the proof: if one partner remains unclean when a child is begotten, then the child would have to be either unclean or only half clean, but Paul says the child is clean: “Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is they are holy” (v. 14).

In order to make this assertion perfectly clear, he says, “But if you can gain your freedom, make use of your present condition instead” (v. 21). For what possible reason should a slave who could be set free choose to remain a slave? Pau1 is saying that slavery does no harm, but is actually an advantage! I am aware that some people interpret these words to mean, “But if you can gain your freedom, avail yourself of the opportunity.” This interpretation, however, does not coincide with Paul's purpose. He is trying to comfort slaves, and to reassure them that their condition does not hinder their salvation. Why would he suddenly urge them to seek freedom?

The ESV translation does not agree with Crysostom, nor does John Calvin.

Freedom is most radiant when it shines through bondage.

We are not harmed by chains, or flogging, or death itself; how then can slavery hurt us? The faithful have endured fire, sword, innumerable tortures, anguish, poverty, wild beasts, and countless sufferings even worse than these without injury— yes, they have even been strengthened by them. How can slavery hurt them? It is not slavery that injures us, beloved; the real slavery is slavery to sin. If you are not held in bondage to sin, rejoice and have no fear; no one can harm you, since you are made of such stuff that no one can enslave.

At least men are merciful from time to time, but the passions—they won't be satisfied until they have destroyed you!

Now, the virgins should listen to what follows: virginity does not simply mean sexual abstinence. She who is anxious about worldly affairs is not really a virgin.

It is the head that upholds the wellbeing of the body.

Even though you undergo all this, you will never have done anything equal to what Christ has done. You are sacrificing yourself for someone to whom you are already joined, but He offered Himself up for one who turned her back on Him and hated Him. In the same way, then, as He honored her by putting at His feet one who turned her back on Him, who hated, rejected, and disdained Him, as He accomplished this not with threats, or violence, or terror, or anything else like that, but through His untiring love; so also you should behave toward your wife. Even if you see her belittling you, or despising and mocking you, still you will be able to subject her to yourself, through affection, kindness,

and your great regard for her.

But one's partner for life, the mother of one's children, the source of one's every joy, should never be fettered with fear and threats, but with love and patience. What kind of marriage can there be when the wife is afraid of her husband?

Don't turn your back on your wide because she is not beautiful. Listen to what Scripture says: “The bee is small among flying creatures, but her product is the best of sweet things.” Your wife is God's creation. If you reproach her, you are not condemning her but Him who made her. What can the woman do about it? If your wife is beautiful, don't praise her for it. Praise, hatred, and even love based on outward beauty come from impure souls. Seek beauty of soul, and imitate the Bridegroom of the Church. Outward beauty is full of conceit and licentiousness; it makes men jealous,

and fills men with lustful thought. But does it give any pleasure? Perhaps for one or two months, or a year at most but then no longer; familiarity causes admiration to fade. Meanwhile, the evils arising from outward beauty remain; pride, foolishness, contempt of others. However, where outward beauty is of no concern none of this is to be found. The love that began on honest grounds still continues ardently, since its object is beauty of the soul, not of the body. Just think, what is more beautiful than the sky full of stars? Describe any woman's body you choose, and still there is none so fair; tell me about any eyes you like, yet none are so sparkling. When the stars were created, the very angels gazed in amazement, and we gaze with wonder now; but not with the same amazement as we did when we were children. This is what familiarity does; things no longer strike us in their original intensity. How much more so in the case of a wife! And if by some chance disease comes too, then all is immediately lost. Look for affection, gentleness, and humility in a wife; these are the tokens of beauty. But let us not seek lovely physical features, nor reproach her for lacking things over which she has no control. No; let us not reproach her for anything, or be impatient and sullen, Haven't you seen how many men, living with beautiful wives, have ended their lives in misery, and how many who have lived with those of no great beauty, have lived to extreme old age with great enjoyment? L...

Let us make her fair in God's sight, n...

“And what if my wife refuses to obey me?” a husband will ask. Never mind! Your obligation is to love her; do your duty! Even when we don't receive our due from others, we must always do our duty.

Early Christianity was not misogynistic

“Hear, O daughter, consider, and incline your ear; forget your people and your father's house, and the king will desire your beauty,”'

What does this “respect” entail? She should not stubbornly contradict you, and not rebel against your authority as if she were the head of the house; this is enough. If you desire greater respect, you must love as you are commanded. Then there will be no need for fear; love itself will accomplish everything.

Love her not so much for her own sake, but for Christ's sake.

If she really loved her husband, she would never speak to him like that, but would value having him close to her more than all the gold in the world. Likewise, if a husband has a wife who behaves this way, he must never exercise his authority by insulting and abusing her. Instead, he should show true nobility of spirit, and patiently remind her that in the wisdom of heaven, poverty is no evil.

But he must not teach her only by words, but by deeds.

If the bridegroom shows his wife that he takes no pleasure in worldly excess, and will not stand for it, their marriage will remain free from the evil influences that are so popular these days.

Remove from your lives shameful, immodest, and Satanic music, and don't associate with people who enjoy such profligate entertainment. When your bride sees your manner of life, she will say to herself, “Wonderful! What a wise man my husband is! He regards this passing life as nothing; he has married me to be a good mother for his children and a prudent manager of his household.” Will this sort of life be distasteful for a young bride? Only perhaps for the shortest time, and soon she will discover how delightful it is to live this way. She will retain her modesty if you retain yours.

Whenever you give your wife advice, always begin by telling her how much you love her.

Praise and show admiration for her good acts; and if she ever does anything foolish, advise her patiently.

when you come back home, let each ask the other the meaning of the readings and the prayers.

Now I'll add one more thing: none of you should look for a rich woman to marry, but a poor one instead. You'll get no satisfaction from her money, since if she is rich she will annoy you with her taunts and demands. She'll be disrespectful and extravagant, and will frustrate you by saying things like, “Don't complain about all my clothes! I haven't spent anything of yours; I'm still wearing my own clothes bought with the inheritance my parents gave me.” What are you saying, woman? Still wearing your own clothes? What can be worse than this sort of language? You no longer have a body of your own (since you gave it away in marriage), yet you have money of your own? After marriage, you are no longer two, but one flesh, and are your possessions still divided? Love of money! You have both become one person, one organism, and can you still say, “my own”? This cursed and abominable phrase comes from the devil. Things far nearer and dearer to us than material possessions God has made common to all: we can't say “my own light, my own sun, my own water.” If all our greater blessings are held in common, why should money not be? Let the riches be lost ten thousand times over! Or rather let not the riches be lost, but that frame of mind that doesn't know how to use money, but holds it higher in esteem than all other things.

Teach her these lessons along with the others I have indicated, but do it with much compassion.

Above all, remove from her soul this notion of “mine” and “yours.” If she says the word “mine,” ask her,

“What things do you call yours? I honestly don't know what you mean; for my part, I have nothing of my own. How can you speak of ‘mine’ when everything is yours? I am yours!”

When you say, “I am yours,” you are repeating St Paul's own advice: “For the wife does not rule over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not rule over his own body, but the wife does.”'

for she had only one object: how from the very beginning she could dedicate her heart's delight to God.

If a child learns a trade, or is highly educated for a lucrative profession, all this is nothing compared to the art of detachment from riches; if you want to make your child rich, teach him this. He is truly rich who does not desire great possessions, or surround himself with wealth, but who requires nothing. This is how to discipline and teach your child; this is the greatest riches.

Don't worry about giving him an influential reputation for worldly wisdom, but ponder deeply how you can teach him to think lightly of this life's passing glories; thus he will become truly renowned and glorious.

Don't ask how he can enjoy a long life here, but how he can enjoy an infinite and eternal life in the age to come.

Don't strive to make him a clever orator, but teach him to love true wisdom.

Don't sharpen his tongue, but purify his soul.

Don't think that only monks need to learn the Bible; children about to go out into the world stand in greater need of Scriptural knowledge.

All these great men looked at this present life as nothing; they did not thirst for riches or other earthly attachments. Tell me, which trees are best? Do we not prefer those that are inwardly strong, and are not injured by rainstorms, or hail, or gusts of wind, or by any sort of harsh weather, but stand exposed to them all without fences or garden to protect them? He who truly loves wisdom is like this, and his riches we have already described. He has nothing, yet has everything; he has everything, yet has nothing. A fence does not provide internal strength, nor is a wall a natural support; they provide only artificial protection. What is a strong body? Is it not one that is healthy, whether hungry or surfeited, cold or warm? Or is it something that is dependent on restaurants, tailors, merchants, and physicians for health? The truly rich man, the true lover of wisdom, needs none of these things, and that is why the blessed apostle admonishes us to bring our children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Don't surround them with the external safeguards of wealth and fame, for when these fail—and they will fail—our children will stand naked and defenseless, having gained no profit from their former prosperity, but only injury, since when those artificial protections that shielded them from the winds are removed, they will be blown to the ground in a moment.

wealth is a hindrance, because it leaves us unprepared for the hardships of life.

“Remember my bonds,” Paul says. Marriage is a bond, a bond ordained by God. Why then do you celebrate weddings in a silly and immodest manner? Have you no idea what you are doing? You are marrying your wife for the procreation of children and for moderation of life; what is the meaning of these drunken parties with their lewd and disgraceful behavior? You can enjoy a banquet with your friends to celebrate your marriage; I do not forbid this, but why must you introduce all these excesses? Camels and mules behave more decently than some people at wedding receptions! Is marriage a comedy? It is a mystery, an image of something far greater. If you have no respect for marriage, at least respect what it symbolizes: “This is a great mystery, and I take it to mean Christ and the Church.” It is an image of the Church, and of Christ, and will you celebrate in a profane manner? “But then who will dance?” you ask. Why does anyone need to dance? Pagan mysteries are the only ones that involve dancing. We celebrate our mysteries quietly and decently, with reverence and modesty. How is marriage a mystery? The two have become one. This is not an empty symbol. They have not become the image of anything on earth, but of God Himself. How can you celebrate it with a noisy uproar, which dishonors and bewilders the soul?

I know that my words embarrass many of you, and the reason for your shame is your own wanton licentiousness.

Where there is filthy talk, the devil is always eager to make his own contribution.

Invite as many people as you know that have good character,

Don't adorn the bride with golden ornaments, but dress her modestly. Thus from the beginning of her married life she will shun excess.

So when Christ is present at a wedding, He brings cheerfulness, pleasure, moderation, modesty, sobriety, and health; but Satan brings anxiety, pain, excessive expense, indecency, envy, and drunkenness.