I used to be like you—wearing cute clothes all the time, and cute undies too. But that was back when I thought getting laid was a possibility. Now I’m like, sweet, these come in a six-pack, and I get two more pairs for free. And I’m thinking these thoughts at Costco, Madi. I’m going to die alone. Just me and my jumbo-sized jar of cheese balls, sitting around in my granny panties, binge-watching Bridgerton on my couch. All alone. I’m done with love.”
