Fall Shook Up

by Piper Sheldon

“I’ve read your work. That’s what you do. You shine a light on the truths of the world, no matter how they look.” I smiled into my clasped fingers. To know that he had read my work filled me with pride. “I want to make a difference,” I admitted, but I didn’t add that I felt like I was failing. “When I make art, all I’m trying to do is unearth some version of truth. What’s more beautiful than truth, no matter in what form? It’s that human connection.”

“My whole life, I grew up thinking I was meant to change the world and help people. I read stories where heroes sacrificed everything for the moral good to make the world better. But I don’t think he really wanted that. Maybe he did at first, but not recently. Recently, he wanted the security of money. I get that. But it wasn’t the most important thing. As much as he said he supported me, I think he just wanted me to fit into the role in his story. Kevin wanted to be the main character, and I messed with that.”

“You carry an entire universe in you. Every time you speak, I’m excited to hear what you’ll say. You make me feel things in a way that I haven’t felt in years. You make me see the world in a different and exciting way.”

“If somebody told you at any point that something was wrong with the way your mind worked, they were simply incorrect. Or jealous. Or motivated by their own wants. I’ve seen the beauty of that machine”—he brushed his thumb along my temple—“and there isn’t anything wrong there. It’s all magnificent.”

The moment her lips touched mine, my growing suspicions were confirmed. I had fallen for Claire, and I had no way of coming back from these feelings. I wanted more from Claire, and I couldn’t do that without her understanding bits of me. She’d been so open and honest. It was time to share part of myself in return before things went any further.

It hit me then. The real reason I wanted to show Claire this room. It was about sharing a part of myself, but it was also my way of showing myself the truth. When you fall for a woman, it’s going to hit you like a train. It had felt like a warning when my mother said it. I felt things too deep and wanted things too much. My mother always recognized my sensitive nature. I was sure I had inherited it from her. But where it made her patient with the world, understanding the ebb and flow of nature, it made me scared and hard. She said that the softest insides have to develop the strongest shells. It wasn’t easy to be an artist male with squishy insides who cried at movies and got goose bumps at musicals—yes, we watched musicals—living in a small town. She never made me feel bad about it. She tried to teach me the balance of it. Too soft and too hard for this world. This time, I heard Claire’s voice.

There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted her. I had wanted her and thought about her every moment of every day, even when I told myself I wasn’t. Fuck the rules. They were in place to protect me, but now they were hurting me. “Having the rules is important to you?” I asked. “I like clear boundaries and expectations,” she said with a nod. Nothing about my feelings for her was clear. I would have probably followed that desire if I hadn’t started to develop feelings.

But then, she enraptured me. She spoke in a way that made me anxious to hear what she’d come up with next. She had such a special way of seeing the world. I couldn’t take her up on her offer as much as I wanted to. I wasn’t content to only have her for a night or a few weeks while she was passing through town. If only I didn’t feel things so deeply, if only I was able to take things in stride like everybody else seemed to. But now, having kissed her and spent time with her, my meeting Claire felt monumental and crucial. Everything I thought I wanted and knew had changed.

I didn’t want to know what these feelings for her were, or if I did, I wasn’t ready to admit them. It was like the empty shell I had been living in was now too small to contain everything I had experienced. I would never be able to squeeze myself back in now.

I kissed her forehead, brushing my thumb along the dimple that appeared. I searched her eyes, hoping the right answer would come to me, but I only found my feelings for her growing every second. I didn’t look back as I walked up to Big Cabin. I needed help from someone who could talk me through this.

Move over, Mr. Darcy and the hand flex. We had a new contender in town.

It was far more innocent than our last kiss, but I found myself pressing a hand to my chest as I walked away, sucking in my lips to keep from smiling. I couldn’t help how charmed I was by the whole exchange. Forget groping; let’s get more slightly awkward but wholesome PDA.

They gave me several more story ideas for my online journal and the people I could talk to in town, and I was excited at that prospect. Not in the same way I felt about a new story but like a little sugary treat for my brain and the few regular readers I now had.

As they spoke, more information came to the surface about the less charming aspects of Lily’s past. Of course, there had been a man who had swept through town and broke her heart. At some point, I decided this was the sign I needed. I was eager to get back to Little Cabin and learn more. An idea was forming, and I needed focus and quiet.

“I really like Claire,” I admitted. “She’s wildly smart and thoughtful. She’s kind and inquisitive. And obviously, she’s gorgeous.” “But she doesn’t want to cross any lines? Is that the issue?” Pace asked. “No. The opposite actually.” “But you don’t want to?” Pace asked with a frown. “She’ll be gone before Christmas,” I said. “I really like her,” I repeated, cringing at how juvenile that descriptor felt for the massive knot of feelings currently tying me down. Pace leaned back as understanding dawned. “You don’t want to get caught up in anything, only for her to leave.”

I bent and dropped a kiss on his temple without thinking. More tension melted from him. It was nice to be able to make somebody relax instead of clench with worry at my arrival. I kissed his other temple to keep things balanced, lingering a moment longer.

“I’ve wanted this for some time. I’ve wanted you. And I know that once I let go of this restraint, this thirst won’t be easily quenched. When I want something, I want it with my entire being. I don’t really half-ass anything in my life. When I finally have you, it’s going to be fully. Repeatedly. Ruthlessly.”

I wanted her to stay here. I wanted her to know that she could stay here as long as she needed. Forever. If there had ever been doubt before about my growing feelings for her, they vanished as I tried to soothe her. If loving someone meant feeling desperate to stop them from ever hurting, then there was no doubt I loved Claire. There hadn’t been doubt for a while. I wanted to protect her. Keep her safe and satisfied.

“It’s all your fault I fell in love with you. Do you think I wanted this? You think I even wanted to rent out the cabin? No. I only did it so Pace and the rest of this town would stop harping on me. This is your fault.” “My fault?” “Yes. You completely disarmed me. You wormed your way into my head. I never wanted this. You know it. You just said it. So this was all some game. Make your way in and just leave.” “Oh, because this was all part of my big master plan. Get dumped. Lose home. Lose job. Checklist of every woman hitting thirty.” “Well, stop being so damn charming and beautiful and sexy and smart.” Her head shook with a sarcastic laugh as I went on. “Stop listening to me when I speak and being so interested in what I have to say. Stop stealing the thoughts from my head and giving them the voice they need. Stop being so authentic and tenacious and vibrant.”

an entire universe in my brain and that it fascinated him. Or something. It was really sweet.” My bottom lip trembled. “It’s just that when things burn too hot, they burn out fast.” My dad sat thoughtfully for a moment. “Do they burn out? Or do they change their chemical makeup to something else? Fires demolish, but they also provide life, warmth, comfort, and protection.”

“There’s a bravery to that sort of blind feeling. It’s easier to rationalize and compartmentalize rather than feel.”

“I know your mother’s death blindsided us both,” he said, holding my gaze, “but knowing it was coming wouldn’t have made it hurt any less. You couldn’t have changed it. It wasn’t your fault that it happened because you weren’t paying attention. You were starting college; you were doing exactly what you needed to be doing. Her passing didn’t happen because you got caught up living,” he said.

“And-and what if I’ve been using work to avoid feeling anything ever? What if I don’t have a job now, and I’ll just have to sit and think and process things.” I held his gaze, and we both knew what I was referring to. That Levi wasn’t the only one still processing the loss of his mom. “Can’t imagine where you get that from.” His throat tightened on the words. “Let someone with that sort of emotional intelligence guide you through, then? Let someone else have more knowledge in an area and be okay with that,” he suggested.

“Yeah, welcome to the club. Club human. It is a wild freaking ride.”

“I’m not sure what I did that made it so easy for you to see me as this awful person. But I’m sorry if my reaction to your offer to stay hurt you. But the story is for you. I wanted you to have a proper memorial of your mother. I wanted you to be able to see her as the world saw her and not as the victim of your father. She chose you. She chose love. She was the winner in all ways. She got you. I just wanted you to see that, so hopefully, you could finally mourn her. I wanted you to see yourself the way she saw you and not as some huge cost she had to pay.”

It was the final paragraph that broke me. With Lily’s natural talent in photography, it would be easy to envision a different path for the woman who touched so many. A lifetime of rewards and accolades, full magazine spreads, and a name of notoriety would certainly have been within her reach, but then she wouldn’t be the woman who touched a town, she wouldn’t be the mother and friend to many. Every person I spoke to couldn’t mention Lily without also mentioning her apparent and fervent love for her son, her kindness, and her overarching aura of peace. She held on to a truth about life that so many of us realize too late. If success is measured by some standard that involves only accolades and money, then it might feel like Lily could have hoped for more, but Lily seemed to have an inherent wisdom that nothing would ever mean more to her than a present life with her son in a town that she loved. However, if legacy is measured by lasting memory and love, then the legacy of Lily Carmichael will far surpass most of ours.

“I’ve known from the second I met you that you would shake my life up. But I was a chickenshit. I didn’t want my life shook up. I wanted to stay hiding and mourn, but not really. I wasn’t mourning my mother, though. I was in this awful holding pattern between self-disgust and doing nothing. When I told you how I felt about you, I felt small and insecure and a failure when you didn’t instantly return my feelings.” I looked down at our hands, but before I could speak, he went on. “But that wasn’t fair of me. If I know anything about you, it’s that you take your time to understand things. I should have been patient and waited.” He took a deep breath and prepared himself to speak. “Worse than that, though. When you brought the article to me, my pride took a deeper hit. I felt like an absolute failure. You had known the truth for weeks and saw it clearly when I couldn’t in thirty years.”

“It was incredible, and you were right. That was how Lily should be remembered. Not whatever it was I was doing. You are brave and full of love. I was fucking stupid to let my own hurt get in the way.”

His thumb lifted to brush my dimple. “God, I missed those.” I smiled wider. “I just wanted you to know that everything I said was because I was an arrogant man full of pride and embarrassment for my actions. I never believed for a minute that you would do anything like what I accused you of. I’m sorry.”

We loved each other still. Wasn’t that supposed to be enough? Weren’t we meant to have it all figured out now?

“I’m not asking for anything. I just wanted to tell you that your story changed me. It changed my life. I realized I was living in fear and labeling it as stoicism. You showed me courage and beauty and all that encompassed my mother and what she would want to have been remembered as.” He reached into his pocket and handed me a brochure. “I wanted to invite you to this. I know it’s last minute, but we are opening on New Year’s Eve.” “Lily Carmichael Memorial Art Gallery. Levi, really?” I grinned up at him. He blushed. “Pace had his friend Noah Cooper help make a website and all that stuff. I wanted to invite you.” I nodded. “It’ll feature some of my art.” He took a bracing breath and shuddered. “And some other locals have already expressed interest. Do you remember Lu Billings? She paints watercolor landscapes?” I nodded a smile, having recalled the pretty blonde who often popped up around town. “Anyway, should be good. Lord knows we can get those tourists to pay just about anything if we price it high enough.”

“If you need a place to stay. There’s one from Ruth’s place, though she will probably put you to work. There’s one for the apartment above the Confectionery and a few others. I wanted you to have options. I wanted you to know that you are wanted and welcome but also have autonomy. You are missed all the time, everywhere. But you have options, no matter what you decide. These will stay open through the New Year.” He held my gaze longer, something behind his eyes that made me want to reach for him.

“You’re always welcome at the Little Cabin, but I wanted to make some new rules. But it’s there. You will always have a place to stay if you want it.” My eyes tried to read the new list, but he put his hand over it. “You can read it later.” “Thank you, Levi.” “Whatever you decide, just let the others know if you can, sooner than later with the holidays.” “Of course.” I kissed Ripley goodbye and hesitated before leaning forward to hug Levi. He shuddered a breath before wrapping me in the safety of him. I felt him inhale a deep breath in the crook of my neck, a small tremor in his body as he held me tight. We both held on too long, neither ready to let go. How could one pair of arms feel so much like a home I never had?

The Listing - updated Little Cabin - For Rent Single-bedroom guest home available in the Colorado Rockies. Ten miles north of downtown Cozy Creek, Colorado. (My replies below in bold—Claire) Serious inquiries only. (I’m very serious.) This is my land. If you can’t follow these rules, don’t bother applying. (I’m already getting a little turned on.)

This guesthouse is on my property, but it is completely private and separate from my home. That being said, I will probably pass your window often to make sure you have fed yourself, that you have a fire going, and that you aren’t working too hard. I will tell you that I’m checking the property, but in reality, I will be worrying about you. (Perfect. I will pretend not to notice and secretly try to look cute. I might forget to do everything just so you’ll be forced to come help me.)

One tenant only. This home has one full-size bed. One kitchen area. One bathroom. One extra photography room that can be converted to your office or whatever you need it to be. (I bet two people could fit ...

The water heater is old and takes several minutes to warm up for showers. If you want to take a bath, you’ll have to come up to the Big Cabin. (As it happens, the shower has terrible water pressure anyway and ...

No heat or AC. I can fix that if you want but, in the meantime, if you are cold, I will build you a fire in the wood-burning stove. Or there is a fireplace and the perfect couch for reading up ...

You can have guests if you want, anytime you want. (Dad is alread...

I installed new internet so you have your own router and password. (I never thought I’d see the day.) - Amenities include stove, refrigerator, coffee maker, microwave, washer/dryer. I will provide you with whatever else you need. Just ask and it’...

The last tenant left major shoes to fill. I hope you like long conversations about everything and anything, but somehow not nothing and late-night work sessions listening to my “sad ...

Be as loud as you need to be, take as long as you need to when working. When you come back to earth, I will be waiting for you. (Whenever I leave, I will always come b...

There are no locked doors. Big and Little Cabin are both yours. You can lock doors if you need a break from me. (But unlocked door...

If you take a walk, take me with you. Or at least proper supplies. (Yo...

This is wild land. There are wild animals and unpredictable weather. I will protect you and take care of you. (I know you will.) - Ripley will still come and go as she likes. I have no control over that. (As she should.) - You are ...

You can book Little Cabin for as long or as short as you need. You will always have a home with me. (Hm...

If ever anything changes, I will let you know. If we need to talk, I will talk. If you need time, I will wait. If you need clear rules and lists, we will make them. I promise to stay with you while you work through what you are feeling. (Thank you. I am working on embracing my emotions, but I will be clear when I need time. I will help you talk about whatever is on your mind and make sure you don’t get stuck in any feelings too long. Tell me what you are thinking, and I will listen. Rules be damned, just talk to me. Oka...

You should know you are the only applicant for this rental. I will not be accepting any others at this time, but you can take as long as you need to decide...

I love you. See you so...

There was part of me that worried this was all out of desperation. Her father couldn’t make it to help her. Her crazy, delusional ex showed up. I wanted her with more certainty than anything I ever wanted, but I needed to make sure it was the same for her. “It’s what I want. I wanted to stay before when I realized I was falling in love with you.” She shrugged.