You Don't Need to Forgive: Trauma Recovery on Your Own Terms

by Amanda Ann Gregory

“Grandpa says that I should forgive my mom,” said Owen. “What do you think?” I asked. “He says that it’s not right to be angry at her ’cause she’s my mom, and she’s dead. He says if I don’t stop being angry, it’ll hurt me in the end.” “What do you think?” “I don’t know. I tried to forgive her, but I couldn’t. I know all that stuff she did wasn’t my fault. But now I feel like because I can’t forgive her, and I’m supposed to, now that’s my fault. It makes me feel like I’m bad all over again.” Owen’s shame was reinforced by his grandfather’s well-intentioned attempts to help him by encouraging forgiveness—a forgiveness he could not offer. This is a common response when we are forced, pressured, or encouraged to forgive when our shame is keeping us from doing so. “Everywhere I turned, I heard the same words: ‘You have to forgive,’” writes survivor Nancy Richards. “They came from my family, my counselors, and the religious community alike. I saw myself as a complete and utter failure. As though my self-esteem wasn’t low enough from years of abuse, try as I might, I couldn’t even get forgiving right!”21 If you are told over and over that you need to forgive to move past your shame, but you can’t bring yourself to do it, the most intuitive explanation will be that there is something wrong with you. This only exacerbates your shame, moving forgiveness further out of reach.