Pushin' Cushions

by Vera Valentine

Explicit titles like “Fintech bro gets railed harder than consumers” and “Junior partner forced on humiliating coffee run” sat beneath each preview.

STOP IM SCREAMMMINNNNGGG

FINFUCKERS apparently led to Finance Bro porn, rather than his favorite human-dolphin content creator, FINFUCKERZ.

💀

He hated cats with every fiber of his being, almost as much as he hated the childless women that took them in. Vile, unnatural creatures, the both of them, subverting American values.

LMFAOOO HOW IS THIS A REAL BOOK

Sure, he could have invested in some better fitting clothes, reasonable hygiene, or a haircut that he didn’t do himself—he did have his trust fund after all—but Dennis knew to the marrow of his bones what was to blame for his college-long dry spell: feminism.

So true

Oh yeah, this couch wanted to be bred.

I need to bleach my brain

Dennis hadn’t meant to cuckold his couch,

I—