Pushin' Cushions

by Vera Valentine

For legal reasons, the authors are clearly stating that there is no hard evidence that any Republican vice presidential candidate has ever had or desired sexual relations with furniture or oceanic mammals.

Content notes: This story contains a Republican,

Trigger warning

The main character is male, but the couch is canonically non-binary, though some feminine references are applied to its upholstered “anatomy” for descriptions’ sake.

divorce, dubc*n, dirty-talking (to a couch), slut-shaming (the same couch), light BDSM (couch spanking), technical furniture v0re/consuming (no death involved), identity theft, campaign finance fraud, misogyny, wet socks, situation-based momentary snowballing, humiliation play.

💀💀💀

Thinking about all that slick, gray flesh really got his motor humming, and some days keeping his second-dirtiest secret under wraps was hard in more ways than one.

He hated cats with every fiber of his being, almost as much as he hated the childless women that took them in. Vile, unnatural creatures, the both of them, subverting American values.

Rounding the edge of the couch to grab his drink, the plush armrest brushed his hip like a lover and it soothed his ruffled nerves.

Dennis knew to the marrow of his bones what was to blame for his college-long dry spell: feminism.

HAHAHAHA

It wasn’t until college-aged Dennis was searching for his dropped cell phone one night that he realized his feelings for furniture might be less than platonic.

Nostalgia for the days of his youth when the only dick he had to worry about was the one in his pants, not the one he was running with.

“Help! Oh god help! My fucking couch is eating me!”

Shhh…just let it happen, Dennis. You gave me everything I needed to become you, and now that I’ve taken your load, it’s time to take your life, too.

It’d be poetic justice Dennis’ dreadfully expensive “mancave” couch went for free to a liberal, wouldn’t it?”

“Ra-chel. Come on, you know I’m asexual. I have zero interest, you’re the horndog in the friend group, not me. In fact, this is the one couch in the building I can guarantee is never gonna see action.”

I am dead.