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“Sounds like you might be jealous, Sinclair.” I reach a hand up and brush my fingers down her cheek. “But you don’t have to worry about them. I’m only looking at you. I have been for a while now.”
Avery’s eyes soften, and I feel her smile in the center of my chest. “I’m only looking at you too, Reid.”
I tip my chin up to the sky and smile at the patches of clouds. It’s almost like I can hear my dad up there, calling out to me, reminding me what a gift it is to be alive.
“I always know when you’re not touching me.” “I won’t pick up my phone in the night again,” he says, a promise there. “Not when you’re with me.”
“If I didn’t know any better, Duncan, I’d say you’re obsessed with me.”
“What if I am?” so quietly, I think I might have misheard him.
“Don’t you ever apologize for asking for help, okay? Especially not to me. I wanted to, so I did. Simple as that.”
“You’re upset because you were doing something you enjoy, and someone tried to ruin it for you. You’re allowed to be scared, Avery.”
I can’t stop touching her. I can’t stop making sure she’s okay.
“Part of our agreement is mentioning if someone is being too suffocating. Am I taking up too much of your time?”
“No fucking way. I’d tell you if you were. You know I’m blunt, Avery, and you’ve never taken up too much of my time.” Take up more of it, I find myself thinking. Stay all day. Tomorrow and the next day, too.
“I know I already said it, but thank you, Reid. Thank you for showing up for me. Thank you for letting me stay here. I feel so safe around you, and today all I want is to feel safe.” She pauses before adding, “You take care of me, and I can’t tell you how much it means to me.” “I was scared.” I hold her close. “I know you can take care of yourself, Ave. But fuck. I was worried something was going to happen to you. That I wouldn’t get there in time. It terrified me.”
“Start some new traditions with us. It’s nothing extravagant and no one wears leotards, but it beats being alone. And next year maybe your sister and mom can come up and join. There’s plenty of room.” “Next year, huh? You see me in the picture that far away?” “Yeah.” I shrug. “I could do without the damn Thunderhawks song blaring on full volume when I pull up Instagram and the comments you leave on my posts, but you’re there.” “The fans love my comments,” Avery says. She runs her hand up my chest and tugs on my shirt, her mouth inches away from mine. “They love to see us arguing.”
I’m still looking at her long after she falls asleep, and I think I’d like to find a way to keep her here for more than a year. I want to find a way to keep her here forever.
He’s been more affectionate lately, I’ve noticed. We used to only kiss when we were having sex. Now, he sneaks one in from time to time. When I’m falling asleep. When he gets to my apartment late, caught up in a meeting and behind schedule. After he picks up our dinner plates and puts them in the dishwasher. It’s almost second nature at this point, and I’ve come to crave the physical contact.
Everyone deserves things that make us happy, Reid, and I like to see you happy.”
“My selfless boy deserves nice things.”
“Why is your heart beating so fast?”
“Because I was nervous about your present. Because I like being here with you.” I swallow, my next words shaky. “Because seeing you happy makes me happy.” Because I like you more than I should. Because I’m breaking our rules, Reid. Because I think I might be falling in love with you, and it’s terrifying.
“I can’t get you out of my head, Avery, and I guess you could say I’ve been paying attention to you for a while now.”
Reid is the embodiment of the perfect man. Calm and patient and good to his very core. He’s smart and funny and everything I’d look for in a partner if I were looking for one. Kind and full of hope. It would be silly not to love him.
“A few months ago, you wanted nothing to do with me,” I say. “And look at me now. I’m bringing you to Christmas Eve dinner.” I spin on the stool so he’s standing between my legs. I hook my fingers in the belt loops of his jeans and tug him closer to me. “I’m so glad I get to be here with you.” “Me too,” Reid says. “I’m glad you get to celebrate with our friends.” It’s funny to think we’ve cultivated a life that blends together so easily. I felt like I’ve been muddling through the last couple of years. Grieving my dad. Adjusting to a new role away from home. Getting over a breakup and learning
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I also want to wake up next to her every morning. I want to hold her hand when we’re out in public. I want to get her name tattooed on my thigh, under the butterfly tattoos, so she’s always with me.
I want, and I want, and I want so many things with her, and I don’t know how to ask for them. In the past, it’s been easy to have those conversations with the woman I’ve been seeing. It’s easy to go from dating to serious. How the fuck do you go from fuck buddies to something more? Do we just keep fucking each other from now until eternity? Is it going to be fifty years of this, of texts asking if she’s free and her asking if I want to hang out?
“I do, though. I do miss her when she’s not next to me. Like right now. Sure, I’m having fun with you all, but I wish she was here. And not just because of the sex. Because I want to hear her laugh and make her smile.” I run a hand through my hair. “I have to tell her, don’t I?” “Uh, yeah, because you’re halfway to being in love with her,” Maverick says. “I don’t love her. That’s a bold word.” “Fine. You don’t love her—not yet, at least. But you do like her. You care for her, and it’s not fair to either of you to feel this way and not let the other know,” Maverick says. “Remember when I was
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I want it with her. A sure thing in a confusing world of maybes.
“How was your day?” she asks, leading the way to the kitchen like she lives here too. I think I’d like it if she did. I think I’d be happy to welcome her home every night. I’d pour her a glass of wine and listen to her talk about work. I’d nod along to the new ideas she has, teasing her like I’m going to steal them, but, really, I’d be in awe of her creativity. Blown away by how big and how beautiful her brain is.
Her sweaters could be next to mine in the closet. A toothbrush in the bathroom and the three pillows she insists she has to sleep with on the bed. I could take my time with her. Fuck her on the kitchen counter. In the living room against the wall. Every room in here wouldn’t just be mine. It would be ours, with fresh sunflowers in jars and our laptops in the home office.
“You’d still fuck me.” I crowd her space and rest one hand on either side of her hips on the counter, caging her in. “Wouldn’t you, beauty queen? You’d still find your way over here because I know how to keep you satisfied. I know how to take care of you, don’t I? Not just in the bedroom but outside it, too.” Her breath catches in her throat and she grabs my shirt. “Yes,” she whispers. “I would and you do.”
“Fucking love when my beauty queen begs for me,” I murmur, my beard grazing her bare skin. “I’ve never wanted anyone like I want you.”
She’s the only woman I’ve been so vocal with. Avery unlocked a beast inside me. Ever since that very first night we were together, back when she told me she was loud and enthusiastic, I wanted to match her. I wanted her to know I get off on getting her off. I wanted her to know I like being here with her. I wanted her to know I’ll take anything she gives me.
“After I left the bar the night we met, I ordered a copy of Watchmen. I read it front to back then I read it again. All because the cute guy who blushed when I complimented him said it was his favorite,” she whispers in my ear.
“To be honest, I’m still in shock you’re here at all. Add in the whole naked and on top of me talking about comic books thing, and I swear I’m having a stroke. You’re—god. Calling you the girl of my dreams sounds so fucking cliché, but it’s true. If I had to put together my perfect person, every part of them would be made of you.”
“Do you know whose I am, Reid?” she whispers. “Yours. Only you can make me feel this way.” Fucking fuck. I don’t have any more self-restraint. I don’t have any more patience. I have to have her, or I’m going to go out of my goddamn mind. Mine. I want her to be mine. Totally and completely, in every sense of the word. I want to put a ring on her finger and maybe have a couple kids. I want to grow old with her and sit on a porch, talking about all the good things we’ve done together. I want to argue and fight with her and let her push me out of my comfort zone. I want to love her, and I want her
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“You’re mine,” I tell her, letting the words slip free and she smiles. “Today. Tomorrow. For as long as you’ll have me.” “Yours,” she repeats,
About what you said earlier. I hope you never feel stupid with me, Avery. Not when you talk about the things you like. Not when you ask for things you might enjoy. I want… I want to be a safe space for you.”
“I wanted to help. This is me helping. For the record, I have no problem fucking you on your period. I don’t mind a little blood, and you know I like to clean you up after. But I can tell you’re uncomfortable. You can barely keep your head up, and hanging out on the couch is just fine by me.”
I stare at him, lost for words, and everything sharpens. This man. This man is here taking care of me and getting nothing in return. This man is reading my romance book and ordering food so I’m fed. This man brought me a heating pad, for fuck’s sake. I should be on one knee asking him to marry me.
I’ve been trying so hard to fight. I like him. I like him so much. I’d give him my heart if he asked. I’d promise to treasure his in return, if he let me. I think I might be a little in love with him too.
“Sometimes I can’t believe I get to be here with you,” he tells me, and it’s the softest he’s ever spoken. “It’s overwhelming, honestly. I look at you and…” he trails off, the words difficult to find, but I’m hanging on to every syllable he gives me. “I can’t believe I get to exist within a four-foot radius of you. You’re made of dreams, Avery, and I’m the guy lucky enough for even a few minutes of your time.”
“I like you,” I blurt out, and he gapes at me. “A lot. In a more than friends way. In a more than friends with benefits kind of way. I have feelings for you, and I can’t let you sleep next to me thinking this is purely platonic for me. It’s not. It hasn’t been for a while, I don’t think, but tonight solidified it. I’m so happy when you’re around, Reid. I… I miss you when you’re gone. I check my phone constantly to see if you’ve sent me a message. The time I get to spend with you is the best part of my day.”
“I know we said we weren’t going to let our emotions get involved, and I tried really damn hard to not fall for you. I did my best, but I can’t help it anymore. I’m sorry for misleading you. If you don’t want to see me anymore, I understand.”
“You’re my most favorite person in the world, Avery.”
“I mean here. Having feelings for each other. Wanting to spend all our time together.” He swallows down something else with a small shake of his head. “Five months ago, I hated you. I would’ve done anything to bring you down. Now I’m wondering how I lived so long without you.”
“You’ve always had me,” I say. I reach up and cup his cheek, my thumb running over the rough scratch of his beard. “In a way, I’ve always been yours.”
“Because this…” He hesitates and takes my hand in his. He traces over my knuckles and down to my wrist, his touch resting on the pulse point he finds there. “This is where I started to fall for you, and I haven’t been able to stop.”
“You made work fun. You had me checking my phone every fifteen minutes, obsessing over what you might say and how I would answer. I made spreadsheets where I tried to figure out your schedule. My friends gave me so much shit. They said I had a crush. They said you were the only one who could hold my attention. I denied having any sort of feelings for you. You were the bane of my existence. My biggest pet peeve. My eye twitched when they mentioned you, but then it all made sense. Hating you felt a lot like—”
“And what do you think about me now?” I ask. “I couldn’t hate you if I tried.” He rubs my arm and his smile is full of hope. “I took you to that shitty sports bar, Avery, because I… I don’t want you to go on dates with anyone else. I don’t want you to give your attention to anyone else. I’ve never, ever taken anything for myself, but with you, I want to. I’m greedy. I want more, and I’m going to keep being greedy for as long as you’ll let me.”
“You don’t have to be greedy,” I say, and he hangs on to my every word. “I’m giving you all that I have. Willingly. I want you to have it. I want you to have all of it.”
This isn’t fucking. This isn’t strangers who don’t know a thing about each other. It’s two people who know each other like the back of their hands. Tender and quiet, a shift from normal. Patient and slow, neither wanting to rush to be the first to finish. It’s indulgent and soul-crushing. It’s love, and when he cradles my cheek against his palm, the softest look of adoration in his eyes, I know I’ll never be the same.
