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I had such high hopes for joining the working world—a real professional atmosphere. I didn’t expect to be surrounded by married men who flirted with all the women. Or stressed-out coffee addicts who screamed about their spreadsheets. Or women who gossiped and stirred drama like they were paid to.
His melancholy smile carries a hint of sensuality. He’s like an eclipse—simultaneously dark and light, and not safe to look at for too long without suffering a burn.
I’m slightly unsettled as I sit on my bench. This is my place to come to relax every day, and now he’s invaded it with his musical backdrop and his odd magnetic pull. I kinda wanted to give in to the gloom today, to be sad with the absence of the sun. But his music, along with the bobbing dance of his head and the obnoxiously bright tropical bandana around his dog’s neck are making that impossible.
“If it’s only rain, how come you’re in here? You afraid your hair will frizz, too?” I say it playfully, but my heart is pounding as questions race through my mind. Did he follow me in here? Why? Is he just trying to get out of the rain, or have I made myself an easy target for who-knows-what by being alone in a gazebo?
“Ladybugs are supposed to mean good luck,” he says. “I know.” That’s why I got it, actually. Because ladybugs are cute and dainty and lucky. Everything I’d like to be. But instead, I’m awkward and clumsy and not very lucky. “Did you also know in Norway, there’s a myth that if a man and a woman see a ladybug at the same time, they’ll fall in love and are destined to be together forever?”
I don’t want to find a man at all. I’m open to meeting one, but the term finding one scares me. I’m lost enough on my own. I don’t need to find a man equally as lost and disoriented with life as I currently am.
Knowing he watches me makes my heart and stomach feel like I’m in an elevator endlessly riding up and down because someone has pressed all the buttons and the lift has no idea where to stop.
He pulls away. Walks away. Every time I watch him walk away, I’m struck by a sudden fear that I’ll never see him again. The feeling disappears just as quickly as it comes.
I can’t imagine how awful it must be to feel sick and not have a bed to sleep in, a bathroom to use, or medication and something to drink and eat. Or someone to take care of you other than your dog.
But I like this. For once, I’m not boring, safe, and predictable little Piper. I’ve walked willingly into the depths of the unknown, which comes under the guise of inked arms and a beautiful voice. He’s my first taste of wild, and he’s nothing short of delicious.
It’s not because I’m ashamed of him. I want to covet him. Savor him. Keep him my own little secret. If no one knows, then he’s just mine.
“I don’t think you’re scum at all. And I like the way you look. I didn’t think you had a disease because you’re homeless, Evan. You’re just really good-looking, and I figured you probably sleep with tons of women.”
I want all of him, everywhere. There’s not a part of me that I don’t want him to own. I tangle my fingers in his long hair, holding him to me as I arch up into his mouth and thrusting fingers. My gasps and cries fill the car as I come, but I can’t hold back or hush myself. He’s taken away all my self-control with his lips, fingers, and scent.
“Piper, right now I can only live moment to moment. I don’t mean to sound like a dick, but you can either take it or leave it. Don’t analyze it. I like you. I want to spend time with you. But that’s all I got right now.”
I was hoping he’d want to see me tomorrow and at least let me know that, but he left without any solid indication that he ever wanted to see me again, other than as some girl who sits on a park bench and listens to his music.
My boring life has unexpectedly become filled with an onslaught of excitement, sex in any place but a bed, and emotional stress. I’m overwhelmed, petrified, anxious, and falling head over heels in love.
“I don’t want to, but I will. And you’ll keep letting me.” He brushes his lips across mine. “You falling in love with me will destroy us both.”
The thing about being crazy is that it can slowly become normal before you even realize it.
“I don’t know how to love you, Piper,” he says roughly. “But I know I love you a little more every day.”
“Love doesn’t have rules, Blue. The way you love me is perfect. And I love you. That’s all that matters.”
“My head is fucked with you. Every note, every word I write is haunted by you…” He unclasps my bra and whisks it off to cup my breasts in his palms. “All I can hear is your voice. All I see is your eyes. All I can feel is your body…”
“I promise to give you as many tomorrows as I possibly can.” “You promise?” I need to hear him say it again because I want all the tomorrows forever.
“I love you like there’s no tomorrow. Don’t ever forget that,” he says with his chin against my shoulder.
“Do I look like I want to be a part of someone’s life, Piper?” he asks in a low voice. “I don’t even want to be part of my own fucking life right now. If I wanted to sit around with family and rock around the Christmas tree and open presents, don’t you think I’d go back home? I can’t do it. Not with them or with you.”
“No. You don’t. Stop trying to. Stop trying to fix me or change me or save me or whatever crazy needs you have in your head. Those are things you want, not me. I told you weeks ago. Take what you see or leave it. But don’t try to dress it up in curtains and blankets.”
“I don’t want you to be sorry, Ladybug. I want you to just accept. I’m not going to live in an apartment with you and get a job and have a bank account and meet your family and build dreams together. It’s not happening.”
I love Blue. I’m trying my best to accept him for who he is. I understand his wandering spirit. But I’m cold and confused and scared, and as much as I try to convince myself that I can love Blue for now and give him the freedom he seems to desperately need, I can’t deny that my heart has been hoping for more. The sad reality of us is that I’m hurting him by wanting more just as much as he’s hurting me by not being able to give more.
I try to enjoy the rest of the night and be happily joyous, but I’m just not feeling it this year. I miss Blue and Acorn, and my heart aches to be with them. I’m worried about Blue being alone, especially if it’s snowing and he can’t walk anywhere to get what he needs or clear his mind.
“You can stay, Blue. As long as you want,” I say tentatively. “You could still walk and wander. I won’t hold you down. But this could be your home. It could be our home. If you want.”
I can’t help but wonder if nothing was wrong at all, and he chose to leave when everything was perfect, to suspend us forever like snapshots in a photo album.
“You can’t trust a man who won’t meet your family or come pick you up and take you out. He’s obviously got something to hide, or he’s just a user and doesn’t know how to treat a woman. You’re too good for someone like that. You’re a good girl. Don’t lower yourself,” my father lectures. “Remember this, he’s not going to buy the cow if he’s getting the milk for free. You have to make him work for it and respect it.”
Sometimes, I do hate Blue, but I still can’t stop loving him.
I miss him and how he made me feel so wanted. So loved. So alive. I miss our little secluded bubble of love. I miss him.
“But if given the choice,” I continue. “I would much rather have you in my life, than to lose you. None of those things were worth losing you over. Not to me.”
“It’s like living with a monster in your head, Piper. And it just fuckin’ owns you, consumes you, bleeds you, tortures you. It doesn’t let you sleep. It doesn’t let you be happy. It doesn’t let you trust. So you do what it says just to shut it the fuck up, to try to get just a tiny amount of peace, and then it starts all over again.”
“You can’t. And the more you try, the worse it’ll fucking be. I warned you, Piper. I told you we’d destroy each other. You’ll kill yourself trying to save me and I’ll kill myself trying to make it right and in the end the monster will kill us both. Don’t you see? We can’t win this.”
“Ya know what, Piper? If you’re the one that’s got a hold on me? Then that’s it. I can go without sex if I have to. Maybe that makes me weird, I dunno. The way I look at it, I’ve always been too much of a fucked-up mess to give you any kind of normalcy, but I can give you my heart and I can give you my body. We’ve had a shit ton of ups and downs, but I’ve always believed that we’re not over. So no, there’s no one else.”
“For someone as fucked up as you are, sometimes you’re really kinda perfect, too.”
“What perfect life do I have? I have some guy who’s been jerking my heart around for years! I work my ass off every day! I’ve been single since the day you disappeared and ya know what? It sucks. I’m lonely. I wanted to be married and have a family and instead I’m all tangled up in this mess with you because I don’t know how to forget you.” Tears stream down my face as I yell at him. “Do you think I wanted to raise a kid alone? Do you think I want to play house with my bi friend? Do you think I like carrying your poor dog up and down the stairs because he’s too weak to come upstairs by
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“He was my dog, too,” I remind him. “And you have no right to do this to me. I gave you so many chances, Blue. I gave you my heart a million times, and every single time you broke it. You always let me down. You let drugs and alcohol come between us and destroy your life. At least Josh is a person.”
“I want you back. And I want to meet my daughter. I’m thirty-four, Piper. Thirty fucking four. I’ve fucked up a ton of shit. I’ve lost literally years of my life being high or running away from something that I can’t even see or explain. I don’t want to do it anymore. I want you, and my kid, and my band.” He grabs my hand. “I wanted my dog too, but I’m too late. I won’t be too late for you and Lyric.”
“You don’t have to spoil me.” “You waited forever for me to get my shit together, babe. You deserve to be spoiled.”
“You’re the only one in my world, babe, and I’m gonna try like hell to make you want to stay in it.”
hate saying those words. The last thing I want to do is take things slow. I want everything now—Him. Happiness. A wedding. My own family, together. I want it now before he changes his mind or something happens to take it all away.
In the past forty-eight hours he’s brought up marriage, living together, and adopting a puppy. I want all of that with him. It’s everything I’ve always dreamed of and wished we could have together. It’s also everything he’s always been scared of and avoided. Things I let go of, to give him the space and freedom he needed.
“A long time ago I promised to give you all the tomorrows I could. I know I’m not supposed to make any life decisions, but fuck that shit, I’m making this one because nothing is going to change it. I know we can’t get married until I’m cool and prove I won’t slip up. But until then I want you to have this, so you know I’m dead serious. So you know you’re the one, you’re it, you’re my home.” He takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry if I fucked this all up and it’s not mind-blowing.”
I never wished for, or wanted perfect. I only wanted to love and be loved. I believe in the happy ending—for all of us.
