I See You've Called in Dead

by John Kenney

“I’ve been with this company for thirty-one years. Thirty-one. And this is the first time the system has told me that we cannot technically terminate a dead employee.” “I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m a little confused. I’m not dead. Or I am and heaven really sucks.” Buckley, eager to answer: “For all intents and purposes, you are dead to the company. Which is why you have rights.” “But if I were alive?” “You’d be fired and we would end your COBRA due to negligence on your part.” “So I’m better off dead?” “Certainly in terms of health and dental, yes.”