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“The Boyfriend… Is this any good?” “Oh, yes—I love it. But I’m on page two, and I’m pretty sure I already know what the twist is going to be.”
“She wrote this one thriller novella that was supposed to be satirical.” “Satirical? What does that mean?” “Like, it makes fun of other thrillers in a way that’s supposed to be over the top and funny.”
“Oh! She also wrote The Housemaid.”
“That’s Michaela on the sofa—always on her phone.” Marnie gives me a conspiratorial look as if I’m intimately familiar with the relationship between the teenage progeny of my husband and their phones. “Then that’s Deacon eating the ice cream. Ember is the one making snow angels on the carpet. Royce is the one spinning around in a circle. Ayah is the one who is—Ayah, stop writing on the wall! And then over on the dining table are Shyleigh and Skyla. And then this one on my hip is little Arlo.”
there are enough children in this room to become a pop band of siblings that tours around the country in a psychedelic school bus.
“It’s up to Auntie Alice over here.”
“I will arrange to give you half of the insurance and inheritance money.” Her face fills with fury, pink circles appearing on her cheeks. “Half?” she bursts out. “Do you see how many children are in this room? It costs me a week’s salary just to pay for one night of dinner!
How many children was my husband planning to have with this woman before I found out about it?
The words etched into the stone read In loving memory of Grant Lockwood. Below the words are the year of his birth and the year of his death and underneath, in script letters, Loving husband of Alice. Nice touch, right?
I can’t believe I’m married to a woman who is too stupid to tell the difference between white and gold versus blue and black.”
sooo it’s blue & black
“It’s blue and black,” I said numbly. “Right,” he said in a slow voice, like he thought I was stupid. “And what color are the box and ribbon?” “White and gold.” “Very good. Now do you see the difference?”
“I’ll have you locked away.” “Locked away?” I stared at him in astonishment. “For what?” “For hallucinating!” He waved his phone with the picture of the gold-and-white dress. “I could do it if I wanted. The director of the psychiatric ward is my father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former college roommate.
my sisters bestfriends aunts grandmas dogs goldfish brother
“I put LED lights in every closet, but I still got pregnant. I don’t understand it.” She cocks her head to the side. “LED lights?” I nod. “I read online that if you have LEDs placed, they are over ninety-eight percent effective in preventing pregnancy.” Poppy stares at me for several beats, a confused look on her face. “Do you mean… IUDs?”
I don’t even have time to dry my hair. I pull it back into a messy ponytail, then I throw on a pair of blue jeans and a cardigan. I sprint down the steps as quickly as possible just as the doorbell rings for a third time.
I so badly was expecting this to be “I walk downstairs to see one direction standing in my living”
“He did do a terrible thing,” the detective says. “I’ve never met anyone who had over thirty overdue library books before.”
“That’s why I checked him out. And it turns out Willie has an airtight alibi for the day your husband was killed.” My heart does a jumping jack inside my chest. “He… he does?” He nods. “Yes. He was playing in a Quidditch tournament all day up in Vermont. It was filmed. There’s no way he could have been responsible for Grant’s accident.” “What?” “It’s true.” “Wait. So Quidditch is an actual sport?” I ask incredulously. “And they film it?” “That’s right, Mrs. Lockwood,” he says solemnly. “Do they use broomsticks?” “They do.”
His airtight alibi of competing in a Quidditch match is bad news. But on the plus side, I no longer suffer from any attraction to him.
“Tell me.” he says. “What color is this dress?” My stomach sinks.
It’s a Roomba. With a cat riding on it.
only the Roomba and I guess sometimes a cat who likes to ride it.
“She…” He squeezes his eyes shut. “She doesn’t like Nickelback. And I…” His Adam’s apple bobs. “I love them. There—I said it. Nickelback is my absolute favorite band of all time, and my own wife can’t stand them.”
Especially pennies. I don’t understand why we even still have them. They got rid of the halfpenny centuries ago.
“Alice,” she says, “you’re holding your breath.” “I am?” “Yes, you are.” “Oh my gosh!” I clasp a hand to my chest. “I hadn’t even realized it! Thanks for letting me know.” I let out the breath.
“I told you I was pregnant.” “Pregnant?” She looks down at the test in her hand and then back at my face. “Alice, this is a Covid test.”
