Pounded by Produce

by G.M. Fairy

It’s a horrible thought, but the devil gets in my brain when I’m hungry.

Maybe God isn’t sinister; maybe he’s giving me exactly what I want, except as a cucumber. Weird, but God is known for doing some weird shit. He did make a donkey talk to teach some poor chap a lesson.

Praise the Lord for whatever the heck is going on right now, because God do I fucking love being a cucumber.

Two days ago, I didn’t know if I believed in God, and now they want me to believe they transformed into vegetables.

“Sometimes I like to write kids' songs. I figured one day I could have a special during church called ‘Silly Songs with Laurent.’”

He’s so easy to be around—sucking you in as if every word is a secret just for you—like you’re the most important person in the universe.

Somehow, turning into a vegetable is the least terrifying part of this. Facing my problems head-on? Yeah, I’d rather be a nutritious snack.

Nobody turned into a vegetable, but this is much, much worse.

I guess that’s why I thought spending the rest of our lives in nature would be a good idea—honoring whoever chose to bless us with such a bountiful life.